I can’t remember where I read that but somehow it stuck. At the back of my mind, each day can be the last. I acquired this morbid perspective early in life. Blame it on my short dalliance with Anne Rice in college (for the uninformed: Anne Rice predates all the bloody vampire series of today. Before Kirsten Stewart’s lamb fell in love with the lion, there was Kristen Dunst who wants some more).
Not that I am fascinated with death. I just see it as something tangible, inevitable and yes, accessible. Looking at the tombstone on my dad’s grave, I see that the name is just two letters different from my name. That’s how close I am to having my name on that tombstone.
Digging deeper, my morbid persona could be an aftershock of seeing my Mom fight for her life before I even turned 7. Or maybe it has to do with my high probability of dying from sudden unknown death syndrome (bangungot in vernacular, hemorrhagic pancreatitis in medical terms). They say only male Asians has this curse. I’m not kidding when I say I’ve experienced it countless times, to the point that I know what to do when it happens. So I’m familiar with the feeling of fighting for your life. How your mind screams for your body to not succumb. One time , I was too tired to fight it and conceded that that was it. So I just relaxed and just let it take me. Then it stopped and I woke up. And the rest is history in the making.
Growing up, I didn’t see myself as an adult in his twenties. I just don’t see the older version of me. Since I don’t have that vision, I honestly thought that I would die at a young age. Now, I’m in my early 30s and, as the Joni Mitchell song goes, I’ve seen life from both sides now. If I die tomorrow, it will be OK. I’ve seen beauty in as much as I’ve seen horrors in this world. I’ve seen some of my dreams come true and I’ve even been blessed with some not-in-my-wildest-dream moments that just blew me away. If my journey ends, then I’m happy with how far I’ve travelled. Maybe I took some wrong turns and some paths of thorns, but I always found my way back. And a better person at that.
Our time in this world is finite. We are just a speck in this vast universe; we are just a blink in this great history of time. Some say procreation will guarantee survival. Hence, people think having a family and lineage is their only shot at immortality. I won’t argue with that, it makes sense.
But where does that leave me? I don’t plan on having a family of my own; I am happy with the family I have. Every time I would go thru that bangungot and still wake up, there’s no feeling of victory over the Grim Reaper. There’s only renewed hope and a small voice asking Why?. I know there has to be a reason. Maybe someone needs me, there’s still a purpose I have not served or there are still some dreams to be fulfilled.
So here I am at the prime of life. Or maybe just BEGINNING the prime of my life. I still don’t see myself as growing very old, like 50s old (but now I fear I have a Peter Pan complex). For now, I’m doing what I can to live that long. I take care of my body more than ever. Even if I have no bad vices that takes its toll on my body (except the occasional alcohol), I was not active before so my physical well-being was not ideal. The shift from sedentary to active lifestyle was quite hard (I had near-fainting spells when I was starting) but I now crave for that endorphin high. I go to the gym, I run, I eat right, I create my downtime. In terms of perspective, I’ve matured and have gone through endless paradigm shifts which led to an over-all optimistic view on life. I’ve somehow learned to ignore trivial things but I have yet to master dealing with Dementors. And if only I can manage my stress some more.
I realize as well that experience is not the best teacher. You’d think that you’d be wiser as you grow older. But the expectations are different. And the world is transforming right before our eyes so we have to catch up. Funny how I stared reading early but only recently did I discover the wonder of self-help and non-fiction books. I realize they are needed to feed the mind and expand the horizon. Currently I’m reading Delivering Happiness (by Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos) alongside No Time For Goodbye (whodunit thriller by Lincoln Barclay).
Speaking of novels and dreams unrealized, I still want to pursue certain passions. Writing has always been my first love and I have this inkling for investigative writing. But after being relegated to the back burner, my prose and poetry has become rusty. I still would like to work on a book (fiction or a compilation of essays) or be part of an investigative team a la Rappler. This will be my shot at immortality and with this gift, my chance to make this world a better place. Likewise, I’ve had growing interest in photography and design so those are options as well.
Lots to do, and I want to believe I still have time. Life is indeed short. But never too short to not be able make the most of it. Life will kill you anyway, so just attack it.
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"Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless falling
For all my days remaining"
- Why Should I Cry For You? / Sting
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The title of this blog is actually a twist on The Smashing Pumpkins album Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness which spawned a personal favorite hit called 1979. I was born before that. :)