My Sacrifice

And suddenly the silence. I half-expected Faith, Sacrifice and Repentance to become trending topics. And I am not being sarcastic here. This is my penance for this week; to lay low on the caustic acid.




It’s Day 2 of an elusive 4-day weekend. Pardon the insensitivity but for agnostics like me, it’s just another long weekend. The only time of the year when I get to slow down and become the King Of Nothing To Do. I know Christmas is a longer holiday but it is a flurry of one festive activity after another. Until you wake up January 2 and exclaim What the hell happened? And it leaves a feeling like you have been robbed. You know what I mean. Wry humour, anyone?

But during Holy Week, you are allowed to do nothing. You are expected to do nothing. Just be good and meditate...or “reflect” to put it in religious context.

So I reflect on what I have done these past two days. I chose NOT to compartmentalize this vacation. Which entails making a list of To Dos and have fun watching the checkmarks appear. I decided to just let it slide by, seize the solemn minutes as they come.

I have no grand plans. Call me a loser but I’d rather stay at home than troop to the nearest tourist hotspot and burn my skin golden brown. I’d rather stay indoor or online; reading a meditative book, finally watching the DVDs I have bought, or surfing my favorite sites. I tried to give up Twitter and FB as my sacrifice but that would be like nailing my own hand to the cross (pardon the bad pun)...the tweets will just pile up. And since head bang/bob music is one of the 7-deadly sins this season, I’ll chill with some sappy ballads. Which means I’ll probably be asleep before the silky voice reaches the coda.

So I picked up Up In The Air, the book I have been reading for a few days and labored to finish it. And I mean labored hard. I am a big fan of the movie so I went out of my way to buy the book (to think that I seldom buy first-hand). I always thought that the book is better than the film version. Until this one. The book can be thrown up in the air. The first half was a nice smooth ride but it went tail spinning soon after. It was a mess; the writer is such a scatterbrain. Maybe I am too Asian to appreciate the Western humor but seriously the book lacked fluidity and coherence. RD was right; it has a lot of glitches and a huge part of the nomadic character is fictional. I sighed after I turned the last page. It felt like Christmas and I have been robbed of almost 400 pesos.



If this blog seems too rambling then I have the book to blame. I’ll try to copy Walter Kirn’s style in the next paragraph so you’ll know what I am talking about.

Then I turned on the small tube and had my fill of pop TV. AC360 on CNN talking about bullying in the schools, scientology and the scandals that rocks the Catholic Church. No, not during their week. American Idol on their R&B week with who else but Usher mentoring. This marks the week when invincible Siobhan Magnus shows her Achilles heel. But it was Didi Benami (as I have predicted) who was kicked. She is way better than two or three of the Top 8 but she did suffer from bad song choice syndrome. P. Diddy performed his new song and I think he is now called by another name. Something like Diddy Dirty something. He and Prince hold the record for multiple A.K.As. Reruns of The Ellen Degeneres Show. She is so cool that if asked who my man-crush is, I’ll have to say her name. I hope she doesn’t mind. Why does it seem like Glee is on every 2 hours? It’s overkill in soprano. Watched TMZ but I didn’t know half of the celebrities they featured. I now know some of the TMZ peeps by name (other than Harvey, of course); I am following Dax and Matt on Twitter. Then the usual suspects: CSI and CSI: NY (again pardon the pun). I know which season it is by looking at who’s in or out and judging by Nick’s haircut and Danny’s current flame. I don’t like Lawrence Fishbourne; is there a petition somewhere to bring Grissom back?

There. Are you confused now? That’s Kirn for you.

Not much movies to watch on cable either. I am surprised that they don’t show Passion Of The Christ, just the usual Ten Commandments and variations of Jesus of Nazareth. Even iffy PBO does not feature local adaptation Kristo. I fed The Blind Side onto the player and was caught up in the story in mere minutes. But then the DVD conked out after 35:04 minutes (the part when Big Mike and Sandra visit the ghetto after his first sleep in). Times like this, I curse piracy. Then I watched Precious (another Best Picture nominee) but the story was too miserable; I need something enlightening not depressing. For lack of better options, I chose The Rebound but it won’t play. I give up.

I checked my Twitter and it seemed like Ryan Seacrest’s account has been hacked. The hacker had the nerve to post some pretty malicious tweets.


Until I remembered it was April Fools. You almost got me there!

I also wanted to do some detox so I have been eating healthy: fruits, yoghurt, fruit juice, water, sugar substitutes. I just cheated when the oysters fresh from Hagonoy were delivered. But as a sacrifice I have abstained from chocolates. It was a toss up between giving up on snacks or chocolates. But you gotta love your own so I chose chocolates. Hello, Frito Lay!

Speaking of, I had some work done and answered some emails a few hours ago. Just so I won’t be swamped on Monday.

I wanted to do some tidying up but the heat prevents me from even emptying the trash can. It is now full of used tissue papers. I’ve had a bad colds and cough since Tuesday. Again the heat. Unlike most people, I get colds during summer.

What to do tomorrow? Mall time with the family. I need to get out or I’ll have cabin fever. I could have met up with my high school buddies but they changed plans. Try again next time.

All in all it has been one heck of a good Friday. Excuse me, I am about to have an epiphany.

Now That's What I Call Christmas!

I am a Christmas-phile; I never lost that child-like amazement at the magic of Christmas. At this age, Christmas still leaves me breathless and ecstatic (like the song goes...if every day could be Christmas). Forget the toxic holiday rush, the stress of buying gifts and the financial implication. It’s the time of the year when I actually forget the perils of my 9-5 job and prioritize my family, my friends and all the things I love doing.

This 2009, Christmas was again a blur of food, festivities and 10-shot family photos. Though the season is far from over, here are 10 things I enjoyed doing or will (still) do this Christmas break.

(1) Christmas Carols. Do you hear what I hear? As early as November, I start listening to my Christmas playlist/CDs just to get in the holiday mood. Mock my “dirty pop” choice but I dig the Christmas albums of Mariah Carey (Merry Christmas), NSync (Home For Christmas) and 98 Degrees (This Christmas). Would you believe that I listen to Christmas songs on my iPod any time of the year, especially when I start to feel depressed. All the one-horse-open-sleigh and chestnuts-roasting-on-an-open-fire never fails to pick me up.



(2) Shopping. For gifts, of course... to fulfil my holiday obligations. But somehow, I also end up buying gifts for myself (heck, I deserve it). My usual destinations are Shangri-La Mall, Duty Free, Trinoma and despite my reluctance to patronize their malls, SM Megamall/Podium. This year the Marquee Mall in Angeles opened and quickly became one of my favourites (free parking, nice mix of stores). I tend to visit the malls with lower foot traffic and I come during off-peak hours. But then again, every hour is peak hour about a week before Christmas. My favorite shops are Make Room/Handyman (for useful home stuff), Hobbes and Landes (for kid’s stuff), Rustan’s (for my sashyal friends) and Powerbooks (for booklover friends). Sorry but during this time, you cannot drag me to Greenhills or Divisoria where all the gift items are cheap but you could barely seen them because they are covered with humans.



(3) Gift-giving. As a champion of the marshmallow test, I have enough EQ to resist opening all my gifts until the strike of midnight on Christmas day. I love receiving gifts I can use (even socks, a hankies or Post-Its). Pardon my worldliness but since we are talking about gifts, this year has been the best harvest of gifts. I can practically use everything! Thanks to all the people who complained that they find it difficult to buy me a gift but did a great job anyway!



(4) Reunions. Even if I get to be grilled about my relationship status (single but happy, thank you for asking), I look forward to Christmas day when our whole clan gathers at the ancestral house and celebrate. Great food… videokefest…bingo games. This year, we added two games that rocked the house: Hep Hep Hooray and Pinoy Henyo. I realized I sucked at the first one. Meanwhile, the fastest Pinoy Henyo record was 18 seconds, set by the tandem of my cousin Patrick and brother Louie. Here’s how their exchange went:

Tao ba? Oo!
Sikat ba? Oo!
Artista ba? Oo!
Channel 2 ba? Oo!
Nakikita ba sa teleserye? Oo!
Nasa May Bukas Pa ba? Oo!
SANTINO!!!

Their other quick exchange went like this:

Tao ba? Oo!
Sikat ba? Hindi!
Ordinaryong tao ba? Oo!
Nandito ba? Pwede!
Patay na ba? Oo!
AMA ONIONG!!! (our deceased Lolo)

For friends, December 30 has always been reserved for my long time (meaning grade school) peer group. We have a lot of catching up to do, especially this year when we didn’t see each other during our birthdays because of family emergencies. I wish we can have the same regular reunion sked for my high school barkada and college orgmates.

(5) Home Makeover. OC side up! My Mom established this routine of general cleaning of the house days before Christmas. While this is primarily to tidy up the house for holiday visitors, admittedly this is the only time of the year when our schedules allow us to organize the clutter we manage to collect all-year long. This year, I finished the makeover of our living room, kitchen, dining room and toilet/bath before Christmas. And before we welcome the new year, I would have gone through the rest of the house (bedrooms and garage/porch).



For my other home (the office), I organize my office table (which screams busy and toxic) during the last work day of the year. This year was extra exciting because our department transferred to a new space on the same floor.



(6) Read, (7) Watch and (8) Write. If you are a workaholic like me, it is already a luxury to do the things you love. This vacation, I caught up on my reading. However, I ditched The Time Traveler’s Wife and picked up some Christmas books instead (Finding Noel by Richard Paul Evans). When my brain starts to hurt from the imagery of the text, I shift to DVDs. I brought home some DVDs I have yet to watch. Plus, there are Christmas-themed movies I watch every year (Serendipity and Love Actually). Yet on Christmas Day, I ended up watching Home Alone (for the 814th time). Lastly, I need to catch-up on my other favorite creative outlet and stress-buster: blogging. I need to stop tweeting and do some serious writing.



(9) Foodtrip. So I have been starving myself all year long. And I am also trying to get back on my all-white-meat diet. But Christmas is the perfect excuse to damn the calories and pig out. For some semblance of nutritional balance, I added more greens to the Christmas menu this year (with a recipe for salad dressing courtesy of R). But the desserts are provocatively sinful. Rich fruit salad, chocolates, cakes, rice cakes, ice cream,...you name it! I have a theory that the Selecta Gold Selection (especially Vanilla Almond) is a ploy concocted by the flailing gyms to increase membership. Or the Vicky Belos of the world to create more demands for lipos.



(10) Sleep. Like a baby. Zzzzzz.



Even if I miss my office friends, I am enjoying my time off.



Dear Santa, please slow down the time. I am excited at what the new year will bring but I am enjoying this and am not ready to go to work yet. I've been a good boy naman. Please?


(Santa Bella courtesy of YP).

Enjoy the rest of the Holidays, folks!

A Hallmark Christmas SMS

SMS killed the Hallmark greeting card. Since the advent of texting, it’s been part of the Christmas tradition to send a text greeting to friends and loved ones as early as Christmas Eve (which explains why the networks are clogged beginning 5pm of the 24th). Empirical evidence shows that more than 200 million messages will be sent within these hours (that’s 20 million people or a quarter of our population multiplied by average 10 SMS per person).



Yes, I fall victim to this tradition. But as a self-proclaimed disciple of arts and letters, I never send forwarded SMS. I just “borrow” some lines and give it my own twist. Which makes it some kind of original and a little more thoughtful.

Last Christmas my message goes: "As we celebrate the season, let us remember to celebrate THE REASON. A wonderful Christmas filled with peace, laughs, love and blessings to you and your family."

This was inspired by a tweet sent by an ANC news anchor (initials: TM).

The funny thing is that my message gets resent and recycled. Yeah, like a stubborn chain letter. I get it back at least five times; which means a friend forwarded it to other people...including myself or to another friend who sent it back to me.

And that’s just fine with me. Consider it my share in spreading the holiday spirit.

I hope everyone’s enjoying the holidays!

Emotional Breakthrough At 31

There is no better way to say it so I’ll say it plain and simple. I HAD A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I am almost scared to shout this out to the universe thinking that it might steal this away from me. But no, I already have this blissful slice of time. I have immortalized this in the depths of my cortex.



For the record, I am not good at being happy. I lived my life thinking that I thrive on disappointment and misery. For people like us, happiness is a burden; it is fleeting and has the tendency to vaporize. And it comes with a heavy price. Whereas sadness is more tangible and permanent; it leaves a scar in your heart.

For my birthday, I planned something a little out of the ordinary and mid-key. Not something lavish, just something I know people will enjoy. Part of me wants to celebrate this great year. I didn’t know my family and friends caught the same virus of excitement. They have been gushing about my birthday for days and I can’t help but feel some pressure.

My birthday bash at the office went beyond expectations...I almost expected fireworks. Everything was pitch-perfect. Outside of the great food, I was really happy being around these people. Sometimes I don’t understand the logic to their kind of affection. How can they love a grouch and moron like me? Haha!

On the day after my birthday, I tried to capture the beauty of it with words. But they escaped me... I had this gaping blank page. I almost panicked at the thought that I need misery for my creative ink to flow. And it seems like misery upped and left me...for once. This is a little morbid but I told a dear friend that should the best moments of my life be replayed as I am breathing my last, this point of time will surely come up.

This mood is new to me: I am pensive but in a good way. The feeling that is engulfing me now is realization and GRATITUDE. Seeing the cake and candles, I’ve asked myself what I wish for for my birthday and surprisingly I came up with no answers. I am good.

It took me this long to find the key to being happy. No, I have not opened the floodgates of happiness. It’s just that I am ecstatic of the puddles of happiness that I unlocked. I am not HAPPY. I am just happy. And I like it that way.

I realized a lot of things this year (I had the opposite of a mid-life crisis...a mid-life renaissance?). Although my life is far from perfect, I realize I AM OK. Yes, there are still things I want (things could be better) but not having them at this point will not de-value my life. I find happiness in enjoying what I have instead of wasting time longing for what I don’t have. I even learned to find happiness in the small things. Forget renaissance, I will call this 31st year my EMOTIONAL BREAKTHROUGH.

I’m blessed to have a fulfilling job, with an added bonus of being able to work with great people. How many can lay claim to this? I have a supportive family and we are enjoying what we dreamed of and worked hard for. I live a largely comfortable life. I am able to do the things I want: blog, read, go places or just some time alone.

This year, I have this almost zen-like attitude in tackling things. I learned to handle people and manage expectations. After being given my second chance, I saw the good in most people and became more accepting. I now know who my real friends are. They are the people who understood me at my worst. The ones I wronged but never took it against me. The ones who stayed silent when they have the right to lash out and be one with the world in torturing me. The ones who offered help even before I could muster the courage to ask for it.

After life broke me countless of times, it seems like I just decided to ditch my walking-wounded drama. I learned to stop struggling and let myself go with the flow. And I wonder if age does this to a person. Have I accepted my fate and resigned myself to the ravages of the times? Whatever it is, this is better than where I was before. After running drenched for so long, I suddenly burst into my own place in the sun.

On my way home Friday night, I realize I did not look at my birthday horoscope (from The Philippine Star), which has become a birthday tradition. I thought of dropping by 7-Eleven to get a copy but then I changed my mind. What the heck. I will make my own fortune, my own future. I will not let some stupid stars foretell it for me.

Looking back at the things I went through just to be here, I will not say I deserve this. Rather, I’d say IT WAS WORTH IT.

Cheers!

***

I want to thank A LOT of people from the bottom of my newfound heart. But please allow me these special mentions:

MY FAMILY for single-handedly preparing everything. I knew the food tasted good because it was a labour of love.



MY (Extended) MARKETING FAMILY for pulling all the surprises. Makes me wanna scream and make some noise. Haha! I could not ask for anything more. How can you do such good things to a "boolei" like me?! Loved the video (Buti na lang safe...whew!)



K, B and J for helping me pull it off until the very end (which is clean-up time, hehe!). And the wonderful gift straight out of my wish list (how did you know?)!

For my “silent” friends for being as excited as I am and for making sure I enjoy every minute of it.

For The One Who Need Not Be Named, for doing everything above and beyond. Even if I’m not worthy, you still choose to overwhelm me.

So Sick...

Hey there everyone! I realize I have not been blogging as fast as I should. The last blog I posted was last Tuesday; but I wrote it over the weekend. And what kills me is that some of my dear friends have or will celebrate their birthdays and I haven’t written my token blog (What kind of friend am I?!). I will just roll out those birthday greetings in one heart-melting blog one of these days (Promise!).

I have the perfect excuse. I was Ne-Yo this past week. So Sick.

This is my worst bout with sickness and I can’t believe I was already a few steps from the O.R. door! No, please, no! I’ve lasted thirty years without having been hospitalized, more so undergoing surgery (well except that rite-of-passage surgery that male tweens go through).

Monday, April 20

I woke up early Monday with the beginnings of a flu. But I ignored it coz we have a big product launch that day. During the launch, the microphone was not working well so we decided to ditch it and instead relied on our ever-capable loud voices. I was bellowing to be heard, especially during the fun and highly-charged game.






After the launch, I ran out of adrenaline and all the flu-ish symptoms came rushing back. I was also developing a sore throat from all the shouting.

Tuesday

I decided to take a sick leave so I can shake off the flu. Our business review presentation will be on Thursday so I have to regain my stamina for the next two days.

Wednesday

I had to work and finish the BR presentation. My body was a wonderland and cooperated with me. I thought I had kissed the flu goodbye. But turned out it can be like someone you know. A traitor.

Thursday (Business Review Day)

I hitched a ride so I won’t tire myself driving. I was there early and then I started having chills. It was only when room filled with people that the cold feeling dissipated. Good thing that my presentation just took several minutes. Maybe they pitied my sickly look and wobbly voice so they did not interrogate me as much.

But then things took a turn for the worse after that. I first had after a separate meeting with MB and KG to finalize a surprise for a couple of friends. A surprise that I will not be able to attend because of this sickness (please see invites I made below). Too bad.



I returned to the office and then it hit me and engulfed my entire body. I started having a very heavy feeling so I decided to just sit and maybe sleep if off for awhile. Yes, at the office. Maybe I am suffering from a “binat” (I wonder what the English word is for that?).

I was feeling so sick that I realize I couldn’t drive myself home that time. Later, my colleagues will find out that my hotness has reached a new level (and not the sexy kind) and they will panic over it. They gave me some cold compress and medicine until a few breaths later I was feeling well enough to drive.

Thanks to P, V, D and KE who played nurse at the height of my delirium. Pwede na kayong mag-asawa! Haha. Really, guys, thanks a bunch!

Friday – Sunday

I decided to go home to Bulacan for medical consultation and home care. I visited a throat doctor and he said I have an abscess on my throat. And the horrifying news is that I might need a surgery to remove it. Whatever, doctor! We decided to look for a second opinion and I was also given some antibiotic medicines in the hopes that it might still reverse THE thing.

Over the weekend I took the medicines and it seems to help. I can now eat, drink and talk almost normally. Too bad I cannot sing yet (gasp!). Whereas before even swallowing saliva hurts.

I was asked to stay away from coffee, chocolates, anything sweet and anything cold. Like they told me NOT to live. What am I without chocolates and coffee?!? They are like air and water to me.

Thanks to my dear friend, Dr. Jinx who was my doctoc-on-demand even if she was enjoying herself in Boracay.

Thanks also to friends and colleagues who have been sending well wishes for me to get well, along with reminders that I should take a breather.

What have I learned from this ordeal?

* That I should learn to drink water. And flat water at that (not cold, not warm).

* That I am not young anymore. My body is not as self-correcting or self-healing as before. So I really have to check with the doctor if something goes wrong and not try to weather it out as I normally do. Otherwise it will just get more complicated (I almost fainted at hearing the word operation).

* Your work will not take care of you (even if you have highly compassionate colleagues). So you have to give your body some R&R, a needed respite from all of the stress and rigors of the workweek.

* Being sick is v. boring! I can’t sleep but I also cannot read or watch TV either. And my iPod does not offer much comfort also. I drift in and out of sleep and had some really weird dreams in the process.

* There is life without coffee and chocolates.

I can’t wait to get back to LIFE. Hopefully I can get back to work on Wednesday.

Until laters!

The Other Side Of Christmas

Today, the whole country pauses to observe Good Friday.

Back when I was still spiritual, I have been solemnly scared of the Holy Week. It was so sobering for all the devout Catholics. Until now I see it as an exact opposite of Christmas, like the yin and the yang of the Christian calendar.

Christmas is about joys and the sharing of it. It is also about make-believe happiness, festivities and latent materialism. Everything in excess.

Holy Week is about sorrow and sacrifices. It is about pain and submission to pain. About silence through which we rediscover the foundations of faith. An act of giving up (as opposed to being in excess).

But both Holy Week and Christmas encourage the faithful to look beyond and within themselves. I think it’s called selflessness.

Something this world badly needs.