I haven’t written in a long while so
this might be a bit rusty. Tsk, tsk… trust me to start with a disclaimer. Some
things you can’t get out of your system easily.
Speaking of disclaimers, well I have
to say this: IT AIN’T LOVE. It’s not that giddy feeling of suddenly finding reciprocity
and all that jazz. It’s not waking up one day to see Pleasantville colour
everywhere.
It’s realizing IT’S NOT WORTH IT. Not
worth the pain, the agony, the waiting, the sulking, the dragging of the hours.
The vicious cycle and the downward spiral.
Maybe it’s maturity. Maybe it’s
mortality. Since I’ve always been morbid, I guess it’s more of the later. You
realize you only have one life to live. That time is like sand you can’t hold
in the palm of your hands. You realize you don’t want to be remembered as the
mysterious, sulky guy who never lived. YOU DON’T WANT TO WASTE YOUR LIFE ON
THINGS THAT ARE NOT WORTH IT.
It’s like having an epiphany. You
pause, take stock of things and change course. You adapt a new perspective, a
new life lens.
You wake up one day and realize you
don’t want your old life anymore. A life ruled by expectations and
disappointments. A life defined by other people. A life anchored on a past that
you can’t leave behind. A life that’s grey and bleak because you are could not
deal with the black and the white.
You wake up and realize you were lying
in a bed of thorns you made yourself. Emphasis on “you made yourself.” Meaning
it’s something you can undo, you can change, you can control.
I started young as a writer and my ink
of choice was pain and angst. My best pieces were outbursts from the most
difficult parts of my life. Because pain is familiar and it convinces me I’m
still human. To borrow from TFIOS, “pain demands to be felt.” I believed I can
only write in pain; it was therapy for me. It’s one of the truths I used to
hold that now has changed. And these words are proof enough that I can write
without that tortured sadness overwhelming me.
So I let go of the pain and angst and
moved on. I start to chill, to be a little more passive, a little more
enduring. Maybe a lot less caring. Because my excess baggage came from caring
too much and not doing anything about it.
I STOPPED PLEASING MOST PEOPLE.
Because cliché as it may sound, you need not please those who like you and you
won’t be good enough for those who don’t like you. So why bother? This is me
now. Deal with it. Love me or hate me, I’ll live. Feel free to judge, to say or
think what you want. I have the real thing, the rhyme and the reason; you just have your imagination and opinion. Only a fool will believe another fool.
I STOPPED SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF.
Rule of thumb is give everything your best shot. But you cannot do
everything so just focus on the things that matter. That’s the concept of
essentialism. Accept that not all things are perfect and ideal so you need
to weigh and work the pros and cons in your favor.
I STOPPED LOOKING ON THE OTHER SIDE. It’s
always greener there and that’s an optical illusion. The grass is greener where
you water it. I just take care of the grass on my side and make it greener. I
appreciate what I have instead of sulking about what I don’t have.
I BECAME ANTI-DRAMA. Some see it as
being anti-social but I just don’t want to be pulled into that dark circle
anymore. I don’t waste my time on people who create their own problems and
expect you to pull them out of it. Instead, I enjoy the company of people who
share the same positive energy, the same wavelength, the same mindset. And then que sera sera. My eye-for-an-eye mentality is no longer about revenge. It’s about
appreciating those who treat me right and ignoring those who don’t.
I CHOSE MY BATTLES. I don’t argue with
close-minded people. I disengage myself from those who are all bark and no
bite. If there is a problem, I attack it at the deep-seated root cause and stop
the domino effect. I stare the hard truths in the eye and make the hard
calls. I live and let live.
Bottomline, I no longer waste my
energy on the negative. It doesn’t bring me anywhere but down.
Sorry if I’m not the same person to
you. I no longer live for your opinion. I don’t breathe to get your attention.
I don’t do things to earn your likes and double taps. I do them because I want
to.
Hi, this is version 2.0. Nice to meet
you.
