Dreams and Despondency

Mood: Harassed (so much to do, so little time)
Music on Repeat: Something Pretty (Patrick Park)


The Wind Cries Hurry


For the past two weeks, I’ve been braving the sun and heat to provide my fair share of trade check reports. Admittedly, it did open my eyes on a lot of things that were going on at the store level. But it left me feeling more spent and disoriented than ever. It puts my multi-tasking talent to an extreme test. After all, who will do my reports and paperwork while I am out getting sales orders or playing undercover photographer for supermarket displays? I am the opposite of The King Of Nothing To Do.

And the elements are working against me as well.

First to break down was the power charger of my office laptop (which is perpetually plugged-in coz the battery already died ages ago). It could not have come at a better time because I was already in Naga City for a presentation when I realized that I cannot use my laptop. Thanks to wifi (one of God’s best gift to the modern man), I asked our Manila office to email the files I need and used the laptop of my colleague. (This feels like a freaking Mentos commercial).

Still, I was left with no laptop for a couple of days. Good thing E has a compatible power chord so I was able to sneak into my office laptop and save the recent files and migrate it to my personal laptop.

Then, after my days of field work, I was ecstatic to report back to the office and deal with my paperwork overload. Only to find out that the electric power on the entire third floor conked out because of some wiring trouble. So we had to do all our work in the small conference table in the second floor.

Plus points: after not seeing my fellow PM for days (yeah, I missed them), we were literally rubbing shoulders and exchanging stories. Minus points: nine of us were sharing the conference table so our things were getting mixed up and you somehow cannot work well and concentrate because it is not your “normal” office space. Bottomline: I did more field work and finished my officework elsewhere.

We were already forewarned that will be like this for the next two weeks .


***

Dreaming The Dream

Late one Saturday afternoon, we traveled South for an ocular inspection. We were gearing up for a celebration towards the end of May (sorry but everything is “secret” for now). As with any of our road trips, the conversation was peppered with nostalgic pop references, the usual sleaziness and…dreams.

J narrated that he had the weirdest and scariest “dream” the previous night. We went home late that night so you would expect a grand snoozefest. However, he woke up around 3AM (enter images of The Exorcism of Emily Rose) and felt an inexplicably unfathomable presence in his room. The presence was so palpable that he refused to open his eyes. And this was not a dream state because he was already conscious of his earthly body movements. It was only when he started praying that the baffling presence slowly dissipated. Then he was able to open his eyes, turn on the light and TV (to sleep mode) and returned to sleep.

T’s dream is more mystical than horrifying, but a tad scary nonetheless. For the past weeks, he has been dreaming of his relatives that have long passed away. He sees them in his dream as a “future” image, not as they were before they died. Like they aged in some cosmic parallel universe. And every time they are about to acknowledge each other’s presence, he would wake up. Also there is a tantalizing well-lighted room but T would wake up before he can peek at what’s inside the room.

We told T not to enter the well-lighted room and, if possible, visit his relatives’ tombs. And maybe he should stop watching Manigno on primetime TV and concentrate on mastering The Singing Bee, instead.

As for me, my dreams were haunted by a beautiful apparition we saw in BKTM that Friday night.

***

Something Wistful This Way Comes

I’m holding on tight in the midst of this wind
Trying so hard to stand still
But I’m swept away
Like a storm that gets lost in the tide
Yet I’m trying to stay on your side

Like some recurring omen, it is again that time of the year. The winds of change are blowing this way once more. It brings with it some fresh faces then it sends some of the old ones away. Or sometimes it changes the trajectory of the others. Just the same, everything will never be the same again.

Change is like a game of chance. We will never know, until much later, what the consequences are. If it spells fortune or doom. Everything boils down to half-chances.

Some things you’ll never know until you’ve tried it. Some lessons you have to learn the hard way. I am again in an unforgiving crossroad. Sooner of later, I will have to make that life-changing choice.

Will the promise of the horizon be enough for me to let go of the shore?


***

She’s Justified (A Birthday Greeting)


If this place was heaven, then she was my first angel. Who can forget that life-changing phone call, 6 years ago that brought me here? Back then, she was already a tad too insistent that I had the sneaky suspicion that she has the hots for me.

Joking aside, she became one of my most indispensable allies at work, up to this very moment. How we clicked instantly is a no brainer. We share a lot of things in common…from the addiction to pop music and MTV to wasting time at the mall. And yes, she can be a great writer if only she will put her mind to it.

I have seen her at her worst and at her best. I have seen her beaten by our so-called “true friends” and how her spirit shone through the hurtful tears. I have watched her suffer in silence, especially in the midst of her medical dilemma. I watched how she stood ground when I gave her the “unexpected space”, knowing that later she would understand that it was a space for her to grow. And grow, she did. From the sidelines, I was there when she received the recognition she long deserved. For what it’s worth, she made us proud. That crowning moment was something I have long wished for her because I know she had it in her.

Of course, we had our share of misunderstanding but what we have can stand the test of time, pressure and malicious intrigues. She is one of the few people who can tolerate the lethal combination of my mood swings, sarcasm and indifference, especially when I am so stressed out with work. She understands me better than the people I spend more time with. I am forever indebted to her because she is one of the few people who championed me and brought me to where I am now.

Though we have moved in different circles, there is no question of each other’s distant presence. Once in a great while, there will be the midnight phone calls and she will bleed her new challenging story. On the other hand, she is one of the few people who knows what I’m going through. She is also a big fan of what I enjoy doing... be it writing blogs, singing or making fun of RV.

This birthday blog is overdue (and that won’t be a surprise for her because she is so used to my “delays”). Happy birthday, K! This blog will not be enough to describe how great you are as a person. I wish you more happiness…in places now one will find (haha…admit you miss me saying this). Continue your quest for understanding this cruel life. As “your” C would say, there is a blue sky waiting tomorrow.

The Spanish Travelogue - The Journey To Madrid

Wow, this is surreal...but nice. Who would have thought that I'd be blogging halfway around the world...in Madrid!

It's 4:36 AM here and we just arrived about half an hour ago. Manila time is 6 hours ahead. What's cooler than the temperature here is that I am writing this blog using the Philips LCD screen and wireless keyboard in my hotel room. I am saving saving my laptop's battery because we forgot that Europe has a different electric power socket. Hopefully we can buy an adaptor later.

Whoever said that we will be having an easy time conversing with people here must have lived in the colonial era. Their brand of Spanish here is different. They talk quickly and in urgent bursts. Yes, we do catch a few words but it would be better if they were also at least half-fluent n English. Even the friendly front desk guy explained to me in Spanish how to connect to the internet and use the wireless keyboard. Thankfully, he knew the words "mouse" and "black cable" so I just took it from there.

THE LONGEST JOURNEY EVER

After spending Sunday doing some packing and last-minute work instructions and turnover, I was at the airport before 8AM Monday morning. I was reminded again why you have to be at the airport 2 hours before your flight. Their check-in lines are so inefficient and we even have to spend more than 20 minutes queueing for immigration. By the time we got through, we just have time for a pee break before we boarded our 10:45 KNL flight to Amsterdam.

Blooper #1: I forgot my hair wax in the car! Knowing me, hair wax ranks as one of my 5 must-haves in every trip (right after phone, wallet, iPod and before breath mints).


What do you do when you have 10 hours to burn inside the plane.

1. Have a sincere talk with your buddy, about life updates since you have not had a personal talk in ages. Be reminded that the workplace you abandoned for just a few days is getting more colorful by the day.
2. Sleep.
3. Eat.
4. Watch episodes of Entourage and Two And A Half Men.
5. Feed your premature homesickness by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks.
6. Sleep.
7. Eat. Do you know that they serve Nissin Cup Boodles in international flights? And red wine.
8. Sleep with drool.
9. Watch Superbad.
10. Forget your iPod and listen to the extensive CD selection on-board.
11. Sleep.
12. Eat.


Bryan was amazed at how I can lasts 10 hours with no bathroom breaks and how I was almost immobile while he was so restless in his seat. It's called survival in a cramped space.

Ocassionally, I would check the view of the terrain below. Imagine Google Earth, only more defined. Often it would be endless mountains or fields. I think we passed through most of what used to be USSR and Central Europe. The topograhy of this area is really postcard-perfect. It was my first time to see snow-capped mountains and their fields which are so geometrically perfect.

Finally, after 10 looooong hours we were in Amsterdam for the connecting flight to Madrid. We arrived there at 6 PM (12 MN in Manila). After locating our boarding gate, I did what I have to do... immediately buy hair wax at the Duty Free shop. My forgetfullness costs me 5 Euros for a tube of Loreal Hair Wax. The guy at the counter looked at my hair (ruffled from sleeping) and asked it I was to use the hair wax that very moment. I said no, my hair is fine, thank you very much.

The immigration lady asked us how long we are staying in Spain. I said two day tops. She made a funny face and asked if we were nuts for staying for only two days. I just said that we have work to do back home. As she handed our passports, she rolled her eyes again and said "Two days?!?" Like it was one of mankind's greatest sins.

The flight from Amsterdam to Madrid will be another 2 hours.

Blooper #2: Our plane seats were 30C and 30D, both aisle seats at the very back. The other two occupants on the both sides were couples with squealing babies in tow. While we already succumbed to our fate that we would hears creams and bawling throughout the flight, the stewardess asked us if we can transfer to another seat so that the babies will be more comfortable. With a sigh of relief, gladly moved to much better seats.

We arrived in Madrid at 2AM (8AM in Manila). There are only a few people in the airport and since we did not see anyone carrying the event signage, we called up the contact person and we were told to proceed to Exit 6. There we met the othe rep from the Philippines and eventually we were fetched by an old man who resembled Heidi's grandfather (Heidi from the cartoon adaptation of the children's classic).

We boarded the bus with the other event participants. Since it was past midnight, my first view of Madrid was in its deserted, sleepy glory. It was very quaint and neat. Very promising. I can't wait to explore it tomorrow.

The bus ride to the hotel took us almost two hours and I slept through half of it. When I awoke and realized the elapsed time, I joked to Bryan that we were already in Barcelona.

Anyway, I need to catch a few more ZZZZZZZs since we have a full day ahead. Sorry, no pictures for now as I am only using the uber-cool TV screen as computer. Meaning I can't upload the photos.

Hasta la vista for now.

Q&A: I Come Undone

I stumbled upon this questions/survey and decided to answer it just for fun…or maybe to mock the people who only sees me as a two-dimensional workaholic hotshot yuppie.

Name: I’ve been called different names during the course of my existence. Elementary friends call me by my legal name. College friends uses just two letters to address me. To present colleagues, I am like a purple dinosaur. Don’t ask my household name…it’s too far off that I don’t know even know where it came from.

Age: Like wine, it gets better with time.

Religion: Devout agnostic

What are you passionate about: Music, writing, fitness

Favorite movie this year: None yet. From last year, it has to be One More Chance (ha ha).

Most played songs on iPod: That would be my World-Weary playlist: Breakdown (Mariah Carey), Drops of Jupiter (Train), Back To Good (Matchbox Twenty), Fire and Rain (James Taylor), Can U Help Me (Usher), Blind (Lifehouse), Taken (Plumb), What Might Have Been (Lou Pardini), Far Away (Kevyn Lettau)

Best quality about me: My understanding of human nature

The worst: My sarcasm… or so they say

Last semi-sensible purchase: A heavier dumb bell. Back issues of Entrepreneur Magazine.

If you could buy one thing right now it would be: iPod speakers and a new iPod-ready car stereo

Beach or mountains: Any, as long as I am in good company. But beach would be better.

Sport: Badminton. Although I’ve tried some bowling and billiards way back. Oh…Wii Tennis!

Movie that makes me cry: Ok, the last was December Boys. I am a sucker for buddy-forever movies. And before that, The Pursuit of Happyness. Why am I admitting this!

Apart from what you're doing now, what would be your dream job: A newspaper columnist (paging Young Star). A DJ.

Temptation you have successfully avoided thus far: Smoking

Temptation you have succumbed to recently: Drinking….hic! And lottery.

The one thing you can never be: A third party.

The one thing you strive to be: A BLESSING to other people

The one thing you struggle with the most: Driving in unfamiliar streets. Wondering “what might have been.”

The most beautiful woman you've ever seen: I want Moore.

The best thing your mom taught you: Smiling through your worries.

The best thing your dad taught you: Responsibility.

The thing you surprisingly enjoy doing: Cleaning anything (car, house, computer files).

Last time you kissed someone: I don't kiss and tell.

What turns you on: Smarts, compassion, some attitude

What turns you off: Whore-ish demeanor (malandi, in vernacular). Wrong grammar. Trying hard to speak in English. Insensitivity. Close-mindedness.

Most pointless thing a girl can buy: Tons of accessories, bags, shoes (more than they can use).

Best thing a girl can buy: Consistency. Mindset. (ok, I’m being sarcastic).

Favorite sound: Keyboard clicking. The Cuppycake Song.

Worst sound: For some reason, The Papaya Song makes me tense. The alarm clock after only 2 hours of sleep. The sound of reality crashing to the floor.

Favorite swear word: Fuck, shit

When no one's looking I like to: Smell the leather of my watch. Oh my!

What would the movie of your life be called: Shades of Grey

What is the most ironic thing about yourself: that I’m always running but I seem to be going nowhere. I’m once-bitten-twice-shy but somehow I suffer the same downfall.

What do you like most about yourself: How I understand human nature, hence I tend to get along with most types of people. I’m quite sensitive but too cool to care. I can do what I nwat if I put my mind to it.

What do you hate most about yourself: I can be paranoid (trust only a few). I have a certain eye-for-an-eye mentality. I’m a bit jaded and world-weary.

Issue most important to you: Future stability. The environment. How to be a blessing to people I care for.

What is the bravest thing you've done: conquered my fear of extreme carnival rides. Be a man and stay true to my words. Stand up for what is true and what fair, even if means hurting some people you care for.

What is the one brave thing you've still yet to do: Get into another serious relationship. Let go and look for greener pastures.

What's food for your soul? Reading and writing blogs.

If you were to enter heaven, what would you like to hear at the pearly gates: "So you’re Bernard… welcome… they’ve all been waiting for you.”

CD Review: The Second Emancipation Is Sheer Genius

Hands down, The Emancipation of Mimi was one of the most satisfying pop/R&B album in recent pop history. The challenge now is how to follow up that massive success. E=MC2 (released April 15 under Island/Def Jam) was pitted as a follow-up of sorts to Emancipation, hence the title. The verdict is in: emancipation is better the second time around.

Yes, in some parts E=MC2 follows the formula of its predecessor, but expect Carey to push it a notch higher. Like some exact science, the new album meticulously combines hip-hop-tinged club ditties and slick mid-tempo ballads (first mastered in Emancipation) to sum up to another explosive pop/rnb masterpiece.

The album opens with “Migrate”, a bob-your-head club anthem featuring T-Pain. Then it smoothly flows into “Touch My Body”, the carrier single. As with the past Carey albums, the carrier single is a sexy and flirty tune (think “Dreamlover”, “Fantasy” and “Honey”). Though the lyrics to “Touch” can make some eyes roll, you can never resist its slinky hooks and licks and the charming reference to cameras and youTube.

That song has already touched the #1 spot twice and has broken two records. It was the 18th number one for Carey, putting her in pole position as the solo artist with the most #1 hits, leaving Elvis Priestly behind and putting Carey within striking distance of the all-time record (held by the Beatles with twenty #1 songs). It also broke the record for the most downloads (previously held by Rihanna’s “Umbrella”).

The personal drama you expect from Carey is delivered via the second single “Bye Bye,” a tribute to her father who recently passed away but has a universal appeal with its sentiment of longing and missing someone (remember “One Sweet Day?”). Those who knew Carey’s rise and fall will get tugs at the heart when she sings the lines “And you never got a chance to see how good I've done/And you never got to see me back at number one.” This early, I am writing this as her 19th #1 song.

Another gem is “I Stay In Love”, (a likely 3rd single) which rehashes “We Belong Together” but is still as engaging. Meanwhile, “I’m That Chick” employs a smart sampling of Michael Jackson’s “Off The Wall”, setting a vibe that evokes disco balls, roller skates and multi-colored dresses.

More drama is offered in “Side Effects,” a song that describes the aftershocks of an abusive relationship, with latent references to ex-hubby Tommy Motolla. Amidst a darkly sinister background beat courtesy of Scott Storch and Young Jeezy, Carey spews pent-up vehemence in lyrics such as "Sleeping with the enemy/ Aware that he was smothering every last part of me"” and “Keepin' me there, under your thumb/Cause you were scared that I'd become much/More than you could handle.”

Carey proves she is chameleon extraordinaire when she allows her vocals to complement her guest artist’s style. For instance, in “Migrate,” she mimics T-Pains auto-tuned vocalization. Then later in “Cruise Control,” Carey pleases when she intones some Jamaican vibe in harmony with Damien Marley. Think “Shake It Off” given a Marley makeover.

The album closes with “I Wish You Well”, a ballad that brings Carey to her gospel roots and showcases the 8-octave vocal range that is downplayed to soft whispers in the other songs.

Even the less-glittery songs (“Love Story”, “Last Kiss”) sounds better than the carrier singes of other established artist. And this is the beauty of E=MC2: each song plays like a potential hit and the over-all aural feel is so consistent that you can listen to the album through and through.

I predict that this album will spawn at least 3 number one songs (making Carey match the Beatles’ record), bring home at least two Grammys (best contemporary R&B album and best R&B or pop vocals) and amass the aplomb and accolades of Emancipation of Mimi.

E=MC2 plays on Einstein’s infamous formula and rightfully so. Carey and Einstein’s works are sheer genius.

-Reviewed by: Bernard Crisostomo, Philippines

Mixed Signals and Birthday Wishes

Sometimes, even if you have the power to do so, you quell the urge to lash back and inflict an equal amount of pain (karmic relief if you may call it). Yes, you have a higher probability of winning that battle. But often there is no point in doing so. Sometimes you just have to let things be, if only to prevent matters from getting worse. Or sometimes you are just too world-weary to give a damn. So you end up swallowing everything and clinging to that wild hope that they will LEARN, or understand at the very least.

You learn to live. You live to learn.


***

Some people just refuse to let go.

Last weekend I received a disturbing text from a former officemate. She said she heard that there were stories going around the office on why she left. She asked that I clear her name. I said I was not aware that her “ghost” has been resurrected.

Suffice to say, I find it kind of ridiculous that she was agitated about something that was so long ago. If feels like she wants to disturb the dust that has settled in the wake of her leaving. Why so… when she was supposed to be happier and better off where she is now? I thought that was redemption enough.

Maybe you can take the person out of the company but you can’t take the company out of that person. Or maybe, she hates being outside looking in.

In parallel, I heard stories about how a friend reacts when confronted about some touchy topics. It goes without saying that she still does not understand the rhyme and the reason. Oh well, that is the least of my problems. I’ve learned that dishing out the truth even if it hurts defines sincerity.

Here’s to you my friend: take your cue from our nonchalance, and most of all, from our silence. For everything we did and for everything that we turned a blind eye on, the least you can do is KEEP QUIET.


***

He came into our world with an air of static seriousness. At some point, I failed to connect and I have to ask the common friend to break the ice. I wanted to reach out because I recognize an unpolished gem when I see one (not that he was “unpolished”). But life has other plans of bridging the initial gap. It’s called shared experience and common goals.

He became one of the few true and sincere personalities I have encountered in our pressure-driven workplace. No politics, no agenda, no guarded moments. His best trait (other than his booming voice) is a bottomless reservoir of understanding and patience. Not to mention a dependability that defines true friends coupled with compassion that is elusive to most bosses. He reflected my philosophy of going after what is just and fair, at any cost. For in doing so, you can never go wrong.

He thought we lived in a black-and-white world. Until our Pleasantville workplace bled its iridescent colors. And we have to be mature enough to understand the colors and hues of the ever-changing kaleidoscope.

Happy birthday, T! I wish you well as you move on to other challenges. Maybe there…you will not be a “Shoppersville” anymore (lol!)

***


It takes great effort and a lot of planning to pull off a surprise birthday gig. With the many movers and shakers in our workplace, it took more than the usual connivance and temporary deception to coax birthday boy T in this secret place. After coming up with a lot of excuses and false stories, we finally pulled it off.

J and I went early to the hideaway to reserve the perfect spot. Our procrastination skills were rewarded with some star sighting. In the place we planned for T, actress AC was wrapping up some scenes. AC, as we saw with our own eyes, is one of the most drool-worthy faces in Philippine cinema. And she caught my eye not once but twice! I was immediately Curtis-ized.

Then came our own endorser AM who turned out to be more fit and (if possible) younger than the last time I saw him last February. It was funny how the girls kept shouting Quaker! Quaker! as they were feasting their eyes on his presence.

Anyway, the real star of the night finally came. Our surprise did materialize since he never found out that we were conniving all the while.

Happy birthday again and I hope I can borrow that hard-to-find PB Magazine! Haha!

Sounds Familiar...And I Quote

Sounds Familiar

A pivotal scene in a movie requires a resounding aural backdrop (read: soundtrack). A grandiose theme song will be played or a big-band symphony will crescendo. And when the Hollywood fanfare has ended, hearing that song or sound makes us remember that magical movie moment. Why, just hearing My Heart Will Go On makes me want to jump off a ship, just to drown out Celine’s screams (pun intended).

Well, life imitates art. In real life, there is no musical backdrop during those life-changing moments. “Feels Like Heaven” didn’t play when you had your first kiss and “If The Feeling Is Gone” was not cued in when you broke up with .

But there are sounds and music which brings us back.

Recently, I asked a friend (who reverted to his old cellphone) to change his ringtone. That ringtone brings me back to a place and time when everything was pure fun…no pretensions, no politics, no guarded moments. It stirs a bubble of happiness which soon bursts as I realize that things are not as they used to be. Gone are those days.

Of course, sadistic friend won't change his ringtone. Oh-well....Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

****

And I Quote

One of our favorite pastimes lately involves throwing quotations at each other and guessing who it was meant for. There are two types of such quotes: serious or fun.

Serious quotes are meant to teach a lesson, ridicule or drip caustic acid on the intended recipient. Hence, if the quote is about friendship, you have to think of a friend who violated the concept of the quote.

Fun quotes are silly statements that breathe humorous life unto inanimate objects. For example, who would have said: “Ano ba ang nagawa ko sa inyo at pati ako binibigyan nyo ng malisya?!” The answer is an Eggplant (Nye!).

I’m still compiling the fun quotes (believe me….there are gazillions of them). However, here are the serious quotes that are meant to make us ponder and wonder....hmmm. Disclaimer: Bato, bato sa langit….

“The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority”

“No person is your friend who denies your silence, or denies your right to grow.”

“The only way to have a friend is to be one”

“Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.”

“Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.”

“Remember the difference between a boss and a leader, a boss says, “Go!” – a leaders say’s “Let’s go!”

Trust J to leave no stone unturned and come up with the killer quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

"People change for two reasons. Either they have learned enough that they want to. Or they have been hurt enough that they have to."

I learned that I was hurting. Please don't quote me on that.

Losing My Religion

I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priest
I’ll see you next Sunday
We all have a reason to be there
We all have a thing or two to learn
We need something to cling to
So we did

- from “Forgiven”, Alanis Morisette


****

People always give me that questioning second look when they discover that I’m agnostic. Religion has become one of my favorite arguments, and this is coming from someone who spent his elementary days as a little missionary (one of the elite clubs in my alma mater, Holy Spirit Academy).

For the ill-informed, agnostic means that you believe in A Higher Power but not in religion (agnostic is a notch higher than atheist). I call it faith without borders. I believe in God but I don’t believe in rules telling me how I should express my faith.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against people who practice their religion. One of my personal philosophies: To each, his own. I am an advocate of respecting one’s personal choices. Just as long as they also respect mine.

News talking about the frenzy over the Black Nazarene in Quiapo, the so-called healing priest or the Church’s love-hate affair with politics (Noli Me Tangere, anyone?) resurrected my arguments about religion.

There is a thin line between faith and fanaticism. I understand that some people have to cling to that one hope that they can hold on to. Above anything, religion offers HOPE. And hope is a double-edged sword…it can either make or break you.

Honestly, I find Catholic faith too old-fashioned. It clings to its age-old tradition even if it is unfit for these modern times. How can a priest preach about family when he does not even know what it feels like to be a real father? How can you condone safe sex methods when the entire world is already grappling with overpopulation and resultant scarcity of basic human needs? How can their repetitive prayers end the famine in Africa and the war in Iraq?

I will paraphrase. There is nothing wrong with praying. So long we inject some kind of reality in it. As the cliché goes, do your best and God will do the rest.

Religion, for me, is just a structure or a manifestation. But at the very core, you just have to know the correct concept of what is RIGHT and what is WRONG. And you don’t need the rules of religion to tell you that. I will even go as far as saying that I live a more “religious” life that half of the devout Catholics out there. I know one too may Catholics who are so passionate about their blessed religion but who will think ill of their “brother” as soon as they step out of the confines of their beloved Church. Talk about practicing what you preach. I bet gusto na silang kunin ni Lord.

Faith does not depend on outdated book, an earthly image or a repetitive ceremony. IT LIES WITHIN YOU.

And, as with anything in this world, your FAITH is wortless. It's what you do with it that counts.

****

You can find yourself a God
Believe in which one you want
Coz they love you all the same
They just go by different names

- from “It Means Nothing”

Last Straws and Newfound Voices

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Coz it seems that wrong
Really loves my company
The clouds are rolling in...

***

Some say I talk in riddles. Some say I am a puzzle. This is true to some extent. Because most people DON’T KNOW ME. And I won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing what I am and what I can be. I have saved this for the few people who deserve it. In goes without saying, if you don’t know me… then you don’t deserve me.

If you get lost in these words, it means they are not for you. If some words hit home, then you are the prelude and the aftermath. That can either be good or bad.

***

I asked a friend: “I wonder what I saw before that made me tolerate things.”
He retorted: “Kasi ROBOT ka din dati.”
It hit home.

***

I may be part of an inner circle but that doesn’t mean I am one of them. I speak the same language but I don’t have the same tendency. If this renders me irrelevant, then so be it. There is bound to be somewhere where my philosophy will not be sacrificed by latent avarice, covetousness and self-dominance.

Lamentable as it is, it is excruciating to get this far and still feel this…strangely volatile and remarkably aimless. Pictures faded in time are becoming clearer. What’s more preculiar is the realization that this is not borne out of the familiar gloom. It’s the other way around. The newfound light has rendered the shadows more hauntingly catastrophic.

***

I was a silent warrior all these years. I took everything in stride, learned to roll with the punches. But there is always THE LAST STRAW. And with that…a NEWFOUND VOICE.

To each, his own. I already expect some people will take things differently (human nature, if I can say so). While some people are appreciating the colors of the moment, some people chose to paint the picture black. But everything is relative. At the end of the day, only I can tell the colors of my world.

***

What the world need is not love. Love is too amorphous and intangible. There is something that is more accessible but most people render it elusive.

It’s called UNDERSTANDING.

It means putting yourself in other people’s shoes so you can see the world from their eyes. Hence, you will comprehend their actions and from there you will know how to lead or advise them. It also means listening to all sides of the story to get the total picture.

Understanding is a sister of OPEN COMMUNICATION.

***

Everyone has a story to tell. Having said that, everything is also NOT as it is told. That’s where UNDERSTANDING plays its vital part.

***

I thought that INSENSITIVE was already a superlative. Until I realized the next level: RUTHLESS.

***
LIFE is a bittersweet tangle of irony. You have to stop before you’ve even begun…The hardest thing and the right thing are the same…The cause is often the cure…Things change but somehow they remain the same…beautiful disasters…quiet storms….

All I know is life in not meant to be understood. It is meant to be learned, to be conquered. Like a treacherous wind, it can either break you in its fury… or you can harness its power and let it propel your predestined flight.

I summon the winds to take me in another direction.

***

The humble improves. The arrogant aimlessly walks in his own inert circle.

Random Act Of Kindness

It happened one sweltering Holy Thursday afternoon. J and I were sauntering along the length of Emerald, after meeting a friend who asked a favor from me (Good Karma #1). It was dreamlike to walk along a seemingly abandoned street, which on a regular day will be bustling with people and traffic (think I Am Legend). But the event that will follow will be more dreamlike (think Pay It Forward).

The combination of scorching sun and concrete jungle became our early Calvary. We sought refuge in a spot between two buildings where the wind is being funneled. While the cool wind is slowly lifting the clammy feeling on our arms (not to mention, our dampened spirits), we reminisced previous moments in the nearby buildings.

Out of nowhere came Joe (as we now call him). He is a American, a bit short in height but has the look of a globe-trotter (weather-beaten face, comfortable travel clothes and backpack). He may well be one of those contestants from The Amazing Race.

His first few words already resounded with desperation and a need for help. We initially thought he was asking for directions to get back to Subic and my mind was already processing bus terminal information. But as his story unfolds, we learned that he is not lost direction-wise (he came from California and has been here for almost a week), but he lost his wallet (with his money and cards) somewhere in Cubao and all that was left with him are a few coins. He has been trying to come-up with 360 pesos to get back to Subic .

Between J and I, we only have 300 pesos in small bills. So we decided to give Joe 500 pesos. The relief on Joe’s face is priceless. He shook our hands and greeted us Happy Easter. As he walked away, we saw him look up to the heavens in gratitude and kiss the 500 peso bill.

He left us with a surreal and uplifting feeling. Of course, the feeling of having helped someone in need is indescribable. What’s more surreal is that we were not supposed to be there. I know this will be melodramatic, but the chance that we will stop in that particular spot is very slim. It was like an invisible force wanted us to be there for that moment. And it sure felt that way.

We just wished that we will not be placed in the same predicament as Joe. Or whatever Judas experience Joe felt in this country will be masked by our Good Samaritan effort.

And maybe…Joe can throw some elusive good karma our way.

Glass Houses and Pretenses

I have lived so many lives though I’m not old
All I know is everything is not as it’s told
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds, the more I sow


I take pride in how I understand human nature. I can tolerate how some people react a certain way to a given scenario (even at my expense)…because they are only HUMAN. However, the flaws and foibles that define human nature can be downplayed if the person has the correct concept of what is RIGHT and FAIR. Such flaws include malevolence and envy. And once I detect that a certain course of action was borne out of these “ill will,” then I will exercise my human nature to lash back.

I am confident of what I am and what I have achieved. I have built my castle on rock solid ground. You can shake it all you want (if that gives meaning to your miserable existence), but I am stronger that the sum total of your travesty and pretenses. While I have “substance”, you only have “air.” Using this logic, a wiser person will choose his battles elsewhere. Tsk, tsk.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people have the audacity to cast stones at you when they themselves live in GLASS HOUSES.

You made your own bed of thorns, now you must lay on it.


P.S. You don’t deserve the attention. You don’t even deserve this space or this “tribute” to your wretched ways. But I have to say my piece (consider this as my Judas kiss). After this, I shove you back to where you were…to the NOTHING that you are.

Hodgepodge (February 2008)

It seemed ages since I last blogged. It seems eons ago since I opened my Friendster and Facebook accountw. What happened? February descended upon us with an avalanche of deadlines and hullabaloos, so much so that I have to hit the ground running. Excuse me while I catch my breath.

***

Winning B.I.G.

February is Sales Conference month. The two days of the year when we are brought together by a common goal: to unravel the plans (and targets) for the year. The time to bond and supposedly reinforce our teamwork. It is also the time when we acknowledge that everything and anything in our company revolves around SALES.

This sales conference was extra stressful for the organizers because it coincided with the celebration of the 20th year of our company. I was tasked to do the write-up for the AVPs….not one, not two…but THREE write-ups!!! While writing (in blog mode) is effortless for me, corporate writing entails a different language. There goes the stress. I had to really rack my brain on that one, especially the one about the theme reveal (and the 5 rings).

Here are the highlights of the 2-day Sales Conference (in no particular order).

1. The Triumphant Turned Emotional Big Night. This is a strictly-formal gala night which is billeted as one of our surprises for the salespeople. The jampacked line-up for the night includes awarding of the top sales performers, theme unveil (Win B.I.G in 20..08…B.I.G. stands for Beyond Individual Goals), 20th anniversary toast and a tribute to our president. Pressure on me since I had to co-host the event. Good thing I was paired again with my favorite co-host so that our spiels are more seamless and natural.


2. The Team Games. It has been a tradition for the SalesCon to have team games a la Amazing Race. I was part of the blue team. The games this year are more parlor games than Amazing Race but they are physical nonetheless. I spent most of my energies on the ball toss, hula hoop relay and caterpillar relay. Eventually, our team finished over-all second place. Green Team took the lead only because they were damn lucky at drawing straws (haha…sourgrape).


3. The endless picture taking. We have two official photographers armed with professional cameras and they did a great job in chronicling the activities through high-res photos. Kudos to C and M.


4. The search for our assigned villa. This was such an exasperating experience for us that I have to do an entire blog on this (for posting soon). For now, I have to say that Canyonwoods is “over-rated” and the person in-charge of the front desk needs a crash course in the basics of front desk management and customer service.


5. The celebrity guest. Although this is already the third time that Aga joined us for the SalesCon, he immersed himself in the activities this time. He had fun judging the activities, especially the egg contraption, that I have to call him twice to go inside for the next activity.

6. The accident. One of our KAMs was injured while completing the obstacle course. She had a dislocated shoulder and had to be rushed to a hospital to have it corrected immediately. Another minus point for Canyonwoods: they don’t have contingencies for accidents like this. Anyway, I accompanied C to the hospital since I was finished with my brand presentation by then. I must say that she is one brave girl with a high tolerance for pain.


7. The God-forsaken Dinner. On our way back to Manila, we stopped by Tagaytay for dinner (we were famished and we want M to enjoy Tagaytay). After a seemingly endless debate, we ended up in Antonio’s Grill. Guess who were there?! The GODS! Anyway, nalibre naman kami. Haha!


8. The gossip that was served with the coffee. Call me anything but a gossip monger. I stay out (or take middle ground) on things that are none of my business. But somehow, gossip has its way of finding me. But my lips are sealed. I have enough on my plate already and I will not be senselessly dragged into other people’s mess. I just hope that some people realize that there is a correct use of the grapevine.


***





THIRD…BUT STILL AMAZING

I’ve been a big fan Amazing Race and, of late, have been riveted to the The Amazing Race Asia Season 2 (TARA2) because Team Philippines (Marc Nelson and Rovilson Fernandez) has a good chance of finishing first. The two has been called Magnum PI or The Boys From The Philippines and their goofiness reminds me Eric and Jeremy (Frat Boys) and BJ and Tyler (Hippies) from TAR7.

I always knew Marc was articulate and smart since he was a YS writer for some time. I’m a Gameplan fan and have seen Rovilson’s wacko side. I have even met him personally and he has this “good man” vibe. Being subjected to the TARA’s challenges, the two were the epitome of grace under pressure and of enjoying the experience despite being in competition. They are really good on both the physical and the mental challenges. Since this is a game, expect some unfair play. However, their brand of treachery was tactical (read: game-driven) rather than out of spite for the competing team.

M&R finished 1st in 7 out of 12 legs, was a shoo-in for the final three and was the team that everyone was trying to beat. Unfortunately, the last leg entailed arranging the flags in the order of the countries they visited. Too bad Rovilson had to do it because he had a difficulty figuring it out. Watching from the side, Marc remained cool despite knowing the correct order (he took up Geography in university). I was heart-wrenching to see them finish third. But despite that, I think they “owned” TARA2. (Sidebar: How true are the rumors that Marc is eyed to replace host Allan Wu?...hmmmm)

Top Moments in the TARA2

1. Collin and Adrian finishing the fasttrack challenge and then risking a different train route. This eventually put them ahead of Marc and Rovilson in the final legs.

2. Henry and Teri’s constant bickering and verbal assaults on each other. Often, I wished they were not representing the Philippines.

3. The participant’s response to BALUT. Always classic and priceless.

4. Paula suffering from temporary memory loss after completing the pool dive challenge


5. Henry and Teri yielding Marc and Rovilson, who was way ahead of them. They must have misunderstood the concept of Yield


6. The challenge at the orphanage in Africa added “heart” to the show.


7. Bret sticking it out Kinar with, even through their eventual elimination.


***

I’m gravitating towards another exquisite extreme. The knowledge that I have to balance the magic and the myth. I’m looking for what’s stable and logical, but I only get what’s happy and hysterical. It is more than enough… but also more than what I can take.

***

I promised myself that the day will come. Finally, your magic and spell has lost its effect on me.



***

All the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that’s wonderful. That’s LIFE.

Something Happened On The Way To Heaven

In one of those quiet silences that preludes a hectic workweek, I hastily finished a book that I slyly borrowed from an officemate. It was a book I’ve seen often in the NBS Bestseller List, a book that I’ve long wanted to buy for myself but never gotten into buying.

It was The Five People You Meet In Heaven.




Truth to tell, I didn’t like Tuesdays With Morrie, the first book by Mitch Albom which is in the Favorite Book List of almost every other booklover. I found it too preachy, dripping in saccharine and it just expounded on things that I knew all along… that life already taught me. I can understand why some people are so inspired and affected by this book. But for me, I sort of experienced it firsthand.

This book was a different. I couldn’t put it down and became one of the few books I had to finish in one sitting. For one, it talks about unfamiliar territory….death and the concept of heaven. Albom touched a sensitive and poignant topic which is the fear and obsession of any mortal. Albom used DEATH to give a new meaning to LIFE and he succeeds in doing so.

His concept of death and heaven is nothing out of ordinary. What’s unexpected is that we saw our life in Eddie’s. His story presents a proverbial paranoia of which five people we will meet if this is the correct concept of heaven.

Alboms injected the correct amount of sentimentality to deliver the transcendent impact. This book did not make me teary-eyed but it left me with renewed sense of importance. It presented alternative answers to some of my life questions. It re-acknowledged my vow to leave this world a better place by touching as many lives as I can. Should my time come, I want one my five people to thank me for being a blessing in his life. As simple as that.

Speaking of the five people, I have identified my potential Ruby and my potential Captain. I have a vague concept of my Marguerite (unless someone else will come along). Of course, I cannot identify my Blue Man and I do hope that I won’t have my Tala.

My choice lines from this book are:

The running boy is inside every man, no matter how old he gets.

Holding anger is poison, it eats you from the inside. Hatred is a curved blade: the harm we do to others, we do to ourselves

When these senses weaken, another heightens. Memory becomes your partner. Life has to end, love doesn’t.


Five Reasons To Like TFPYMIH

1. It inculcates profound values without the bias and discourse that taints the values adapted through religion.

2. It is written in simple, accessible prose. I’ve said it many times: what’s simple is often true.

3. It is only about 200-pages long. But its impact is beyond measure.

4. It has a lot of references to the Philippines. One of the five people is Filipino. Albom only missed out on one Tagalog translation: sundalong was used instead of sundalo (soldier).


5. It puts your life in perspective. Above anything, it forces you to understand your life NOW. It shows you that in the intricate tapestry called life, our individual threads become interwoven and one thing leads to another.

Anything But Down

They all say I’m too restless
But words cut deep when you’re defenseless

There was a time when we were fine
And I could tolerate you
But now I just don’t understand you
And you don’t know me at all

You paint my picture black
The joke’s on me and I refuse to laugh
Remember the good times?
Won’t you bring them back
Someday…somehow


We all try to cauterize the PAINS we have to carry. But sometimes our past is so significant that we cannot dissolve it even if we tried.

CHANGE can mask the pain, but sometimes it also uncovers and un-heals it. So you keep going back to where you once fell, in search of the redemption you need to move on. Who will save your soul? You search for the answers that you knew all along. It was YOU.

I fall asleep dreaming that things will be as they used to be. But I know everything is so fleeting. They vanish as reality comes crashing to the floor.

There is a metamorphosis that is too complex for me to take part of. There is a bitter pill that I refuse to swallow. We may be going upward, but for every climb there is this downward slide that I can’t ride.

I can and I will try. But somewhere….something’s got to give.

***

After my series of fall-and-rise blogs last year, my friend A (who is my self-appointed critique and talent manager) posted a bulletin inviting people to come visit my blog. She called it Blog For The Heart and Soul. I know I bled my heart out on those blogs but I’m no Chicken Soup.

When I was a child, somebody told me: You have to leave this world a better place than it was before you came.

Suffice to say, this is the best way I know of doing just that.

****

A friend, after bursting forth with her sob story, asked me: What is wrong with me?

I said: What is wrong with you is that you pinned your happiness on one person. I understand that in being in love, your happiness become directly proportional to the presence of that person. Which should not be the case. There are people out there who values the real you. But we tend to forget these people because we focus on that one person who does not even know what we have to give. Find your happiness…other than with him.

She said: I wish I can be as strong as you. Continue to be happy.

I said: I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. Who said my life now is better than last year’s? It’s just that I got tired of wallowing in the misery and negativity. It doesn’t get me anywhere anyway… so why bother.

It really boils down on how you see things. New life lenses, anyone?

A Ban On Misguided Moral Guardians

I heard some amusing news lately. A certain group of people is pushing for the banning of condom ads. They argue that it gives teenagers a license to be promiscuous or ill-informed about sex.

Funny…very funny!

In a country that is dominated by Catholics, it is not surprising that some people think of themselves as moral guardians. But this is really pushing the envelope too far. Can someone ask those people what their issues really are? Is it the promiscuity of teens? I’m sorry but that is a fact of life, you cannot argue with genetics. As if they never experienced how it was to have raging teen hormones. Is their issue the growing number of teen pregnancies? I’m sorry again but I don’t think banning condom ads is the solution to this.

Way back in college, I had a term paper which recommends abolishing the MTRCB. Back then, the MTRCB was receiving so much flack due to their ban of now-classic movies like Schindler’s List and The Piano. I discovered a lot of articles that supported our main argument: the Garden of Eden complex (remember Eve and the apple?). The more you ban something, the more it becomes tempting. We are after all, sons of Adam and Eve.

In Denmark, the government removed the ban on smut and porn. After some time people, it became a non-event, a fact of life. Did sexual crimes or unwanted pregnancies escalate because of this liberal act? Absolutely not. It actually worked as some sort of reverse-psychology…it became so un-tempting. Not that I am promoting smut or pornography here, my point is that we place undue attention on something that should have been "ordinary" in the first place.

Like I always said, look at the basic issue and address it. I am not prudish nor am I liberated but sex is not as “evil” as some people are depicting it. After everything is said and done, it all boils down to being RESPONSIBLE. We have to teach our kids to be responsible. If these parents continue rolling their eyes on this sex issue, then they should expect the kids to look for the answers elsewhere. So who now gave these kids the license to be ill-informed about sex? Tsk, tsk…some people have a weird concept of the term “guidance.”

Times like this, I miss Eminem. He is, hands down, the best adviser for teenagers. He teaches a lesson by painting the horror story and its consequences (do this and you get this). He confronts issues and explains without insulting the intelligence of these kids. But I digress…my views on Emimem merits another blog.

Too bad I lost my copy of that term paper. I would have mailed it to these misguided moral guardians. The 1.0 grade would have been enough to shut them up.

The Way 2007 Are (The Best Of List)

Year 2008 started off to a fantastic start. Part of the holiday spirit spilled over to the first work week of the year. Maybe (fingers crossed), this is a precursor of greater things ahead.

Like any mortal, I made some new year resolutions. But unlike any mortal, I vow not to forget them as soon as the crisp cold air gives way to the first sign of summer. After all, they are not just resolutions, but more of paradigm shifts coming from my challenging episodes last year.

Having said that, I’m glad some people also chose to leave the “remarkable” events and issues of last year in some corner of their cortex, to become distant memories. Only the lessons learned were carried over to the new year.

The first work week was relatively slow so I had time to organize the literal mess I managed to accumulate during the past months. I have regained part of my OC self; although I don’t know I want to go back to being that stringent. In my work maybe, but not in other aspects of my life.

***

A friend asked me what happened to my Year-end Best Of List. It took me a moment to understand what she was saying. Then it hit me. The critique and reviewer in me failed to release the Best-Worst List for last year. I was so caught up in my personal turmoil, so to speak, that I forgot my other passions.

Truth to tell, I was out-of-touch for the most part of the second half of the year. My priorities somehow shifted or maybe I expanded my turf. Case in point: I totally stayed away from the TV so much so that for the first time, I didn’t know what was happening with Pinoy Big Brother (Celebrity Edition) or Survivor (China).

Anyway, to stay true to tradition, here are my personal bests for 2007. You can mock my pop-infused choices, but these are the songs and programs I related to and served as the background of my life in 2007. I won’t put My Chemical Romance or Fall-Out Boy on my list just to sound cool. I’m cool enough to know what I like.

Best of Songs 2007

1. The Way I Are (Timbaland feat Doe and Keri Hilson)
2. Gotta Go My Own Way (Nikki Gil)
3. Do You Know (The Ping Pong Song) (Enrique Iglesias)
4. Hey There Delilah (Plain White T’s)
5. Samson (Regina Spektor)
6. Falling Away (Miguel Escueta)
7. Over You (Daughtry)
8. Wait For You (Elliot Yamin)
9. Umbrella (Rihanna/Mandy Moore)
10. Makes Me Wonder (Maroon 5)

Personal Theme Song 2007: Gotta Go My Own Way (from HSM2)
Most Played On iPod: The Way I Are (Timbaland feat. Doe and Keri Hilson)
Favorite Re-current Songs: Breakdown (Mariah Carey feat. BTNH), The Hurt (Kalapana), What Might Have Been (Lou Pardini)


Best of Albums 2007

1. Daughtry (Daughtry)
2. Wild Hope (Mandy Moore)
3. It Won’t Be Soon Before Long (Maroon 5)
4. Shock Value (Timbaland)
5. Loose (Nelly Furtado)

Best of Movies 2007 (Disclaimer: from those I got to watch)

1. Transformers
2. The Bourne Ultimatum
3. High School Musical 2 (made-for-TV movie)

Side-bar: For some reason, I haven’t watched Spiderman 3 and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. This is coming from a big Spidey and HP addict!

Best of TV 2007

1. Pinoy Big Brother Season 2 (ABS-CBN)
2. Amazing Race Asia 2 (AXN)
3. Anderson Cooper 360 Degrees (CNN)
4. One Tree Hill (ETC)
5. Executive Class (ANC)


***

I’m already halfway into reading “Dispatches From The Edge.” I must say this is one of the best books to read in between calendar shifts. The heartfelt but devastating stories which Anderson narrates puts your life in perspective and makes you appreciate whatever semblance of stability you have.

Sometimes Anderson uses a voice that borders on commentary or political diatribe. But those people who got the flack deserved it. In a world full of ironies, Anderson twisted the knife deeper and exposed a basic pain and suffering that seemed improbable in these ultra modern times.

Here I am wishing for a 2nd serving of Dispatches.

The ISKO In Me

This past week, I received text messages from fellow Iskolars; poignant and pompous text messages to commemorate the Centennial of our beloved Alma Mater.

This one is the most-sent: UP made you in such a way that when the world is sitting, you would be standing…and when the world is standing, you’ll stand out…and when the world stands out, you’ll be outstanding…and when the world tries to be outstanding, you’ll be be standard. In short, laging pasaway ka. Isang masaya and may-yabang na sentenaryo, UPians.

I don’t know if the UP world has evolved since I graduated. But whoever wrote this is not from UP. Coz we never called ourselves UPians. It’s like only the outsiders refer to AS as Palma Hall.

The sentiment is also way too cocky. I remember a naughty vandal on my dormroom locker which read: It’s not how big your tool is, it’s how you use it.

I will paraphrase: It’s not from which school your diploma is, it’s how you use it. This goes out to all youngbloods out there who think that a UP diploma is a surefire ticket to success.

***

With the whole fuss over the UP Centennial, I look back at my UP experience. It’s a known fact that UP boasts of an out-of-the-box education; of learning beyond the four corners of the classroom. And this is indeed true. After UP, nothing can shock me anymore. UP exposed me to a lot of elements, showed me all the astonishing facets of human nature. Looking back, my time in UP is similar to a 5-year Amazing Race stint. I entered with only the basics and learned to navigate all the detours and the setbacks. I came out of it, not with a diploma, but with a roadmap and blueprint to LIFE.

These are the 10 Things UP taught me:

1. You have to rely on yourself. You have to find answers to your own questions. You even have to self-study topics that the teachers never taught you coz it’s part of the curriculum and part of the exam.

2. Act tough. Stick and stones can hurt your bones but you have to remain strong despite all the shit being thrown around. Predators come at the first sight of blood. Teachers will grill you more if you flinched for even a bit.

3. To each, his own. UP prides itself in its diversity so you have to learn to deal with different kinds of people. Be careful with your choice of words or risk getting in the wrong side of a “minority” (sic). Be politically correct.

4. Analyze. There are different approaches to everything and you have to find the most utilitarian way. (I almost believed that “utilitarian” was another UP lingo).

5. Stand up. No, I’m not talking about the USC party. UP forces you have an opinion on a lot of things and discourages apathy. It promotes freedom of expression and exchange of opinion and ideas. Respect the ideas and opinions of others if you want the same respect.

6. Notice the fine line and thread lightly. There is usually a fine line between two worlds and the certified Iskos know how to navigate this line. Like there is a fine line between “that’s my opinion” and “live and let live.” There is also a fine line between being confident and being arrogant.

7. Do not generalize. Most things have to be dealt with on a case-to-case basis. Look at both the macro and the micro.

8. Think with your mind, not your mouth. Talking nonsense is a mortal sin. Learn to shut up.

9. Learn to KISS. Keep It Simple, Stupid. Putting too much icing on the cake or beating around the bush are tactics of a coward.

10. Do not be afraid to ask, to make mistakes and to say sorry. These are all part of the learning process.

GONE ARE THE DAYS (Kissing 2007 Goodbye)

My heart is in my hand, my head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground, my life is churning around
Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad
Bows and arrows, stars and sunset
Every heartbeat, every whisper makes me wonder what all this is
Suits of armor, hearts and arrows

I am writing this memoir in the comfortable silence following the bedlam that greets the new year. The past year 2007 is still slithering somewhere in the vast corner of my mind. Though I want to say good riddance to that year, I have cleared most of the cobwebs during that quiet lull between Christmas and New Year. I now look back, not with regret, but with appreciation and comprehension.

That I had a difficult time in 2007 is an understatement. The trainwreck that was waiting to happen finally shattered into a million pieces. I have written one cryptic blog too many on my predicament. For someone who yearned for stability, I made a choice to rock my world. I wore my pain on my sleeve and walked wounded.

In 2007, some things ended where it should have begun. I found myself in an overwhelming crossroad where I was forced to change my trajectory. It was a point where it hurts to remain in place; the more I hang on, the more difficult it was to breathe. There was no right and wrong, only the consequences of my actions. I have gone from being at the corner of possibilities to nothing at all, a journey that is both liberating and humbling.

Like my previous dismal episodes, Year 2007 was a lesson I had to learn. A necessary evil I had to go through if only to move forward. It was a year of realization, awakening and self-renewal. My life restarted and the person I was disappeared, dissolved by the turn of the tide. It was the year when I got myself a new LIFE LENS…and the view of the world as I know it permanently shifted.

Gone Are The Days So Grey and So Certain

I have lamented that I always live in various shades of grey. Like I’m neither here nor there. Now I understand why. If there is anyone who can understand the various shades of grey, it is ME. Black and white means absolute extremes, grey means compromise.

In a way, I played safe. I played my cards only when the aces are with me. I always strived for stability and shied away from the uncertain. But now I have realized that the discomfort of uncertainty is the most precious part of the experience. Discomfort means you still have something to learn. That holding on to your comfort zone meant you stopped before you even begun.


Gone Are The Days So Serious and So Guarded

I think I took one of the basic marketing concepts too literally: image is everything. I know people think I’m too serious and too stiff. The Scorpio personality also manifested itself in me by the way I presented a cool and stoic façade to the world in order to mask the relentless emotions that are churning within.

This year, I let my guard down and showed the other version of me to a chosen few. The version that knows how to let loose and have fun. The side that was not afraid to make mistakes or be judged. The side that will do things for the sake of doing it; without being too calculating or overly analytical. The version of me that is brave enough to assert himself at the risk of displeasing some people, and let them deal with it.

I reconnected with old friends, forged new friendships, revived old hobbies, worked on a new sport. Win some, lose some. In fact, I rediscovered the value of so many things, even the marginal ones. I also shattered my solitary driving force, the fragments of which I reinvested in a wider array of possibility.

I’ve decided that I don’t have to act too mature for my age. Now I am not afraid of acting stupid while asking the questions about life. After all, being smart is not about knowing the answers to everything, it’s about how you arrive at your answers.


Gone Are The Days of Science

In elementary, my school paper profile read: He wants to be a scientist someday (a juvenile dream that was chased away by more adolescent realities). Little did I know that I unconsciously took a basic science concept and applied it to life: that for every action there should be an equal reaction. I searched for the tit for every tat, the yin for every yang. Anything that didn’t match is deemed incomplete or unfair. And this lead to a lot of dissonance and unnecessary disappointment.

I also reached a point when all I was feeling was GRAVITY and I don’t know why. It was only later that I realized that I have to align myself to a greater sphere of influence so I can stay on the affirmative path.

I’ve said that life is a game and maybe I was playing too hard that I forgot to enjoy the experience. Or I was so focused on something that I forgot to stop and smell the proverbial flowers. That’s why it is only now that I was doing little things to fill a fundamental void. I leapt when I should have taken baby steps.


The Thank Yous

There are a lot of significant moments this year, mostly bittersweet. Having said that, there are two groups of people I want to thank for the so-called 2007 experience.

On one side are the people who shared my moments of laughter and tears, the moments I will cherish forever and the moments I am not proud of. These are the people who cared enough to know when I needed space and when I needed company. People who had me at my worst. Friends who will tell me not just the things I WANT to hear but also the things I NEED to hear. That to me is the truest form of sincerity. I am lucky to have people who are not afraid to twist the knife a bit deeper, if only to make me realize the painful truth.

This year, I met strangers who pointed me in the right direction, who forced me to read the writings on the wall. Strangers whose infectious idealism fed me with energy to reconnect with the better side of me. Strangers who listened as I bled my stories and never flinched as I unraveled the tainted layers of my being. Strangers who later became indispensable allies.

On the other side are my self-appointed nemeses and the sources of my trials and challenges. Sarcasm aside, they called me on things that need fixing in my life. It is said that only misery can build character. The pain they inflicted was part of the metamorphosis, part of the ruse to make a better version of me. While some stings have not dissipated and some scars have not healed, I know everything fades in time.

I welcome the new year with more fervor, more aplomb than ever before. I know I am back in the saddle, I am more sure-footed and I am in a much better path. I have survived another phase of self deprecation and like before, gotten the best out of it.

Maybe this will be another difficult year. Maybe this will be a year of beautiful changes. Uncertainty is the spice of life. But if there’s one thing I know for sure… it’s that I am poised to take flight.

A part of me died in 2007. But a new ME has risen from the ashes of my existence to embrace the promise of 2008 with arms wide open.

Hodgepodge (The Fourth Serving)

Sometime Mid-March
Mood: Swinging from normal to frazzled
Songs for the Moment: Let Go (Frou Frou)…go watch The Holiday.

***

I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control
But I’m just strong enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let if fall like rain from my eyes

***

I can’t believe that this is only my third blog for this year when I have resolved that blogging will be something I will do AT LEAST once a week. I might have lost my concept of time for good. A week for me has stretched to two months… like I am in a warpzone where time has succumbed to obscurity. Come back to the real world, Bernard. Time is fleeting and it goes on without you. You should have learned that valuable lesson last year.

***

Things I Learned So Far This Year

1. It is better to see things the way that they are. And not the way you wish they could be.
2. Silent victory means winning the argument by shutting up.
3. That "I have no time” is not an excuse. You have to “make time” for the things that matter (like watching Heroes and Entourage on DVD)
4. Common sense is not common anymore. Or some people are just freaking afraid and unsure.


***

Life on Shuffle

To spice up my life with some spontaneity, I’ve conjured a new scheme. I will put my iPod on shuffle and the first three songs that come out of it will serve as a horoscope / theme / guide for the coming week.

Here’s what came out:
- Kissing A Fool (George Michael)
- Hello Sunshine (Super Furry Animals)
- Flood (Jars of Clay)

Ok I get it. I will have sunshine and some flood. Very much like LIFE or something like it. Whatever…just bring on the kisses, fool!

***

Infinite Sigh

Sometimes I remember and the pain grips so hard it feels like nothing matters but the overwhelming misery. So this is how it feels. It goes without saying that I deserve it. I chose this road so whatever agony I feel is self-inflicted. Maybe I am masochistic.

Though I vowed to forget the pains of the past and just keep the beauty in all the madness, I still reel from the what-could-have-beens.

They say that it is only in misery that we find out who we are…and who we can be. Why must I always find it out the hard way?


***

March started on a stressful note and has been more of a losing battle to keep my cool. I blew my top as early as the first Monday of March.

It really pisses me to high heavens when people do not step-up or live-up when expected. It’s as simple as ringing the alarm bell beforehand so that I (in my own little way) can do something.

I am the type who works down to the details. Maybe it’s a blessing and a curse. But I really can’t take last-minute shockers. I often pysch myself up for something and those last-minute shockers destroy my sense of solidity.

But then again this is force majeure (as my law teacher would call it). I am just a hapless victim of circumstance. I have no choice but go with the flow…swimming against the tide is simply grueling and remarkably pointless.

They say that you can’t change the way the wind goes. Maybe it’s time to re-adjust my sails.

***


Just heard a news article over Breakfast that call center agents are subjected to a lot of work-stress because of the unusual work hours. And up goes my eyebrows!

While I have nothing against call center agents, I find it appalling that work-stress is credited to them. Last time I checked, stress is probable (maybe a “given” even) for all types of profession. There are devils in Prada lurking in all kinds of work environment and that alone can make Stresstab manufacturers ecstatic.

As with anything in life, it is a matter of the pros outweighing the cons. Stress comes when the “power” shifts to the cons.

At least those call center agents have fat wallets to go with their so-called work-stress. Some people are not that fortunate.


***

I can’t wait for June…if only because the long-delayed Wild Hope will finally be released. Wild Hope is Mandy Moore’s first foray into being a singer-songwriter. The album is already generating major buzz, with often anti-pop Billboard Magazine dedicating a cover story on Mandy and her new-found musical footing and creative relevance.

If the first singe Extraordinary will be any indication, then this album is bound to be well…extraordinary.

Visions Of A Sunset

In your lucid moments, you shine this beacon of light that rouses this world-weary soul. The same light cast a heavy shadow and I was content to just walk and dwell in it. Knowing that each step leads to a path of self-destruction or to a road of endless resistance. Hell or high water. Yet I convinced myself I needed that. To feel the pain if only to feel alive.

Sooner than later, I know that this will fade away. All colors will bleed to various shades of blue and I will be drenched with the all-too-familiar anguish. The sands are slipping through my fingers and all I can do is cherish each painstaking grain that I can hold onto.

I never asked for what they say springs eternal… or that one fateful shot. I just needed to vacillate in this moment. Until the next moment comes which will take me into another dizzying kaleidoscope. The colors will again come to life…albeit touched by a different light.

How weird it is to suffer the darkness of dusk when there was no dawn to behold.

THE BEAUTIFUL LETDOWN (A Look Back at 2006)

Year two-oh-oh-six was the toughest year ever. Not only did I have the most grueling and most challenging time at work for the most part of the year. Towards the end of the year, I have to deal with a family tragedy, the loss of our dad. It was the proverbial final nail to the coffin (forgive the pun)… the ultimate bad ending to cap off a bad year.

Yet, it is said that learning comes only with pain so with the trauma of last year comes a lot of learning and enlightenment.

And so I greet with the New Year with a renewed vigor and outlook in life. I am leaving a lot of negative things behind…and this time I look forward to the changes.

I have paid my dues in 2006, I want 2007 to be one of the best years ever.



***

COFFEE AND GREY TV
(The Music and TV That Defined 2006)

There is nothing like music or boob tube and silver screen moments to bring us back to a certain time. Our childhood years were littered by fantasies about Shaider’s Annie and Pink 5 and the humor of once-cute-girl Aiza Seguerra. Hearing Electric Youth and Hold On will remind my batchmates of sixth grade; while Tropang Trumpo, What’s Up and Fixing A Broken Heart were so high school. College was ushered in the music of E-Heads, Alanis Morissette and sad to say…Titanic.

And so I present the music, TV and movie moments that kept us sane throughout 2006.

Riding In CARS to the Movies

The entertainment freak in me is sorry to admit that I was totally out of touch with the movies this year. If memory serves me right, I was able to watch only a handful of movies at the moviehouse. Some of them I just caught on DVD but still I totally missed out a huge chunk of the better ones. Blockbusters like The Departed, Babel, Happy Feet, and Dreamgirls are expected to be major draws come award’s season.

Of the movies I have seen, I will say that Cars was the best. Very seldom can you find a movie that is both visually-entertaining and thought-provoking. Beneath Car’s glossy finish is a story that will be interpreted in a different way by kids and adults. Kudos to Disney and Pixar for coming up with animated flicks which will not insult the intelligence of kids from 1 to 92.


GREY Is the Color of Television

Over the past two years, TV has gained more prominence so much so that we find silverscreen bigshots appearing on the small tube. Entourage alone had Hollywood A-listers as main cast (Jeremy Priven) or recurring guest (James Cameron, Mandy Moore), not to mention that it was produced by Mark Wahlberg. Even the careers of former big screen biggies were revived via hit TV series. Yes, I am talking about Terry Hatcher (Desperate Housewives) and Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy).

For this year, Lost lived up to its name and lost most of its appeal. Desperate Housewives became more desperate (Sex and the City, it is not). Meanwhile, more people became part of Entourage and medicine never looked better in Grey’s Anatomy.We also witnessed the demise of the celebrated Six Feet Under (sniff, sniff) and the emergence of a new batch of Heroes.

On the local front, the fanatical following of “beJEWELed” Korea-novelas continued. Local adventure/fanta-seryes are still tops in the ratings but slowly the straight drama soaps came back to life. Game shows got a new “deal” (or was it no deal) alongside reality shows which catapulted relative unknowns to superstar heights.

Pop Goes The Bossa

In this generation of iPods and piracy, music is made more indispensable and more accessible than ever. The year 2006 marked another golden age of OPM, a decade after its renaissance in the mid-nineties, thanks to River Maya, Yano, Eraserheads, Introvoyz, Side A and After Image.

Having first struck gold (and platinum) in 2005, local bands and artist once again lorded over the charts (Odyssey even claimed that 80% of its sales last year are for OPM). Revivals (which were over-used by MYMP, Nina and a so-called Brown Monkey) were given a fresh treatment with alternative bands re-interpreting the music of the Eraserheards and APO. Meanwhile bossa nova music poured from the coffeehouses into mainstream pop, courtesy of such exotic names as Sitti, Sofia and Agot. Party Music also reverberated from the DJ’s turntable onto video channel playlist, prompting one to create their own Club Myx.

With this, R&B and Rap music took the backseat (so long…Eminem). The only foreign release to make its mark this year is the music from High School Musical…the Grease of this generation.

I started writing my best and worst of 2006 but then I decided to do the unconventional. So here’s my take on the music and shows that defined 2006


TV

Guilty Pleasures: Rachel Ray, Crazy For You, anything showing the late Steve Irwin
Feeling-Original Show: S.O.C.O and Philippine Idol
Feeling-Intelligent Host: Joey de Leon (Mel and Joey), Joey Marquez (S Files)
Best Ensemble Cast: Grey's Anatomy and Komiks Presents Pedro Penduko (Fil-Am Matt Evans pulled off portraying a very Filipino character)
Best Local Reality Show: PBB Teen Edition
Worst Local Reality Show: PBB Celebrity Edition
Best Rumor Monger: Mo Twister
Discovery of the Year: Pokwang


MUSIC

Guilty Pleasures: OST – High School Musical, anything Paris Hilton, Bossa Nova
Most Mind-Boggling Remake: Nakapagtataka (Sponge Cola)
Best Guess-My-Title Song: Cable Car (Over My Head) by The Fray
Most Irritating Song: Ring The Alarm (Beyonce), London Bridge (Fergie)
Best Nursery Rhyme: L.O.V.E (Ashlee Simpon),
L.S.S. Award: still…L.O.V.E.
Most Kawawa-Naman-Me Song: What’s Left Of Me (Nick Lachey)
Most Personal Song: Stars Are Blind (Paris Hilton)
Best Sourgrape Song: Someday (Nina)
Best Haba-Ng-Hair-Mo Song: You’re Beautiful (James Blunt)
Best Sampling: Wind It Up (Gwen Stefani) which has a sample of The Lonely Goatherd
Best Song for Elections ‘07: Don’t Forget To Remember Me (Carrie Underwood)
Worst Environmental Song: Ulan (Cueshe), also wins Worst Song…Period and Worst Local Band
Best One-Word Song Title: Stickwitu (Pussycat Dolls) and SexyBack (Justin Timberlake)
Hot Song Topic of the Year: DRIVING…courtesy of Jesus, Take The Wheel (Carrie Underwood), Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol) and Beep (Pussycat Dolls)
Shortest Song Title: Unwritten (Natashe Bedingfield)... gets?
Song of the Year (Personal Pick): First of Summer (Urbandub)
Most Played Song on iPod: Cool (Gwen Stefani)
Discovery of the Year: The Fray
Worst Album Title: B-Day (Beyonce Knowles)…should be been called B-duy


MUSIC VIDEO

Best Exercise Music Video: Here It Goes Again (OK Go) which also wins Best Choreography in a Treadmill
Best Choreography, Solo: Me and You (Cassie)
Best Choreography, Group: My Love (Justin Timberlake feat T.I.)
Best Epileptic Attack in a Video: Déjà Vu (Beyonce Knowles)
Start-the-F**cking Video Award (aka Longest Intro): Unfaithful (Rihanna)
Most Drool-Worthy Video: Buttons (Pussycat Dolls), Promiscuous Girl (Nelly Furtado)
Best Ensemble Cast in a Music Video: Public Affair (Jessica Simpson)
Best Actress in a Music Video: Pink for Stupid Girls
Best Actor in a Music Video: James Blunt for Your'e Beautiful
Most-Featured Award: Snoop Dogg for Say Something (Mariah Carey) and Buttons (Pussycat Dolls)
Veejay I Want To Send To The Moon: Karel Marquez


THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO IN 2007

1. Rounin – a ground-breaking anime-serye from Eric Matti
2. Wild Hope – the much-awaited indie-inspired album of Mandy Moore, produced by John Ataglia (John Mayer’s producer) and with writing collaborations between Mandy and Michelle Branch, Adam Duritz (Counting Crows), Chantal Kreviazuk and Rachel Yamagata.
3. Yet-untitled releases from Maroon 5, U2, Mariah Carey and Kelly Clarkson
4. Dedication – the indie film starring Mandy Moore and Billy Crudup, now premiering at Sundance Film Festival
5. Other publicity antics of them party-girls Paris, Nicole, Lindsay and now Britney. Intoxicating cocktail drinks should be made in their honor.
6. American Idol
7. Amazing Race All Stars

Where Are You Christmas?

December 8
11:15 PM

It’s almost mid-December but why does it feel like freaking August?

Where did November go? Work has become such a rat race that I think I re-lost my concept of time (if that was possible).

Signs that I am the poster boy for work-stress:

1. My cellphone inbox contains 1,800++ messages… about 1,682 of which should have been deleted aeons ago (I’m no sentimental fool). Then all of a sudden, precious phone conked out an hour ago (Memory full…delete some messages…Not enough memory to perform operation). This is history repeating itself. This has happened before because my phone was super-congested. I know what will happen next…I have to bring it to Nokia Care Center who will reformat my phone and delete all the junk messages (including the 118 messages that I was planning to immortalize).

2. I have to consume 1000-calorie worth of chocolates per day. Be it Van Houten, Maltesers, Curly Tops or Flat Tops. Chocolate creates a false sense of gooey happiness, especially when you deal with Dementor-like creatures in your everyday life. The same effect can be achieved in gulping a Starbucks Hot Mocha.

3. I last finished a book in March. And it was the bathroom-book-thin The Magician’s Nephew (a.k.a. the REAL Book Two of The Chronicles of Narnia). After that I started an Ann Tyler novel which I didn’t finish. Then a month ago I picked up The God of Small Things and only read until page eight. Being a Harry Potter fan, it is pathetic to realize that the movie version has caught-up with my perusal of the book version. Yes, I started Order of the Phoenix but only got to about 6 chapters only.

4. The last movie I saw in the movie houses was Superman Returns. Thank God for them pirates that I am a little updated on the boob-tube favorites. Entourage and Grey’s Anatomy rocks!

5. I didn’t enjoy my birthday. True, I took a day off. But it was just like an ordinary Sunday spent at home catching up on the zzzzzzzss.

6. I am not feeling any vibe on Christmas. Three years ago I was the Grinch…to me Christmas was another Hallmark marketing ploy. But I had enlightenment after watching The Polar Express. But at these high-strung times, even getting my 13th month bonus is a non-event. And so I’m singing the theme from The Grinch…Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you… why did you go away?

7. I do not know how I will find time to buy gifts for friends. Maybe the Metropolis is filled with losers like me which will prompt the malls to open 24/7 to cater to our hectic schedules. If worst comes to worst I will give my friends a Starbucks GC. This coming from a champion when it comes to “personal” gifts.

8. I am dreading the new year. New Year = new principal = new challenges = new peaks of stress.

But I refuse to succumb to the lackluster Christmas spirit. One way or another, I have always looked forward to Christmas. Yes, I hate the long queues at the malls and supermarket and a little bit of the sentimentality. But I do love the nippy air and the blanket of contentment and happiness that seem to envelop the place. Not to mention that people become nice or extra nice during Christmas (haha…me included). It seems like for that brief window of time... we have a small glimpse of heaven.

Here’s my TO DO LIST to be in the mood for Christmas:

1. Finish buying 60% of the gifts for friends and officemates. That is coming from zero, mind you.
2. Buy a new pair of casual shoes.
3. Contact at least 5 friends I haven’t seen in 6 months and plan a get-together.
4. Buy a Motorola Razor OR upgrade my iPod Mini to a 60G Video iPod (help me decide).
5. Buy a ridiculously-priced nice pair of jeans and shirt.
6. Buy one book and one CD I have been itching to buy.
7. Buy something new for my house in Manila and in Bulacan.
8. Get wasted at least 2 times before Christmas.
9. Finish wrapping #1 in a week’s time.
10. Listen to Christmas CDs when in the car.


Bonus: Friends say they find it difficult to look for gift for me… although I’m far from being the boy who has everything. So since it’s Christmas and to make their life easier, here is a list of things I HOPE NOT TO RECEIVE:

1. CD case – I have gazillions already from past Christmases and this is the iPod generation, mind you.
2. Anything religious – I am a devout agnostic
3. Mug – enough said
4. Key chains – except if they are from Paris
5. Fake Louis Vuitton or Girbaud wallets – trust me when I say I know the real from what isn’t
6. Picture frame – for the nth time…I am no sentimental fool
7. Planner – I have what I want...a Starbucks planner

Best Gifts I have received from Christmas past (in no particular order):

1. A closet organizer
2. A CD case masked as a turtle stuff toy
3. a card from Unicef in lieu of a gift (I have always been an advocate of charity work).
4. Bedroom slippers (how did they get my size right, I wonder)
5. any shirt that fits me
6. bedroom linens
7. pillows (one saying Mr. Incredible)


Don't get pressured. As I said, I am extra nice during Christmas.