Emotional Breakthrough At 31

There is no better way to say it so I’ll say it plain and simple. I HAD A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I am almost scared to shout this out to the universe thinking that it might steal this away from me. But no, I already have this blissful slice of time. I have immortalized this in the depths of my cortex.



For the record, I am not good at being happy. I lived my life thinking that I thrive on disappointment and misery. For people like us, happiness is a burden; it is fleeting and has the tendency to vaporize. And it comes with a heavy price. Whereas sadness is more tangible and permanent; it leaves a scar in your heart.

For my birthday, I planned something a little out of the ordinary and mid-key. Not something lavish, just something I know people will enjoy. Part of me wants to celebrate this great year. I didn’t know my family and friends caught the same virus of excitement. They have been gushing about my birthday for days and I can’t help but feel some pressure.

My birthday bash at the office went beyond expectations...I almost expected fireworks. Everything was pitch-perfect. Outside of the great food, I was really happy being around these people. Sometimes I don’t understand the logic to their kind of affection. How can they love a grouch and moron like me? Haha!

On the day after my birthday, I tried to capture the beauty of it with words. But they escaped me... I had this gaping blank page. I almost panicked at the thought that I need misery for my creative ink to flow. And it seems like misery upped and left me...for once. This is a little morbid but I told a dear friend that should the best moments of my life be replayed as I am breathing my last, this point of time will surely come up.

This mood is new to me: I am pensive but in a good way. The feeling that is engulfing me now is realization and GRATITUDE. Seeing the cake and candles, I’ve asked myself what I wish for for my birthday and surprisingly I came up with no answers. I am good.

It took me this long to find the key to being happy. No, I have not opened the floodgates of happiness. It’s just that I am ecstatic of the puddles of happiness that I unlocked. I am not HAPPY. I am just happy. And I like it that way.

I realized a lot of things this year (I had the opposite of a mid-life crisis...a mid-life renaissance?). Although my life is far from perfect, I realize I AM OK. Yes, there are still things I want (things could be better) but not having them at this point will not de-value my life. I find happiness in enjoying what I have instead of wasting time longing for what I don’t have. I even learned to find happiness in the small things. Forget renaissance, I will call this 31st year my EMOTIONAL BREAKTHROUGH.

I’m blessed to have a fulfilling job, with an added bonus of being able to work with great people. How many can lay claim to this? I have a supportive family and we are enjoying what we dreamed of and worked hard for. I live a largely comfortable life. I am able to do the things I want: blog, read, go places or just some time alone.

This year, I have this almost zen-like attitude in tackling things. I learned to handle people and manage expectations. After being given my second chance, I saw the good in most people and became more accepting. I now know who my real friends are. They are the people who understood me at my worst. The ones I wronged but never took it against me. The ones who stayed silent when they have the right to lash out and be one with the world in torturing me. The ones who offered help even before I could muster the courage to ask for it.

After life broke me countless of times, it seems like I just decided to ditch my walking-wounded drama. I learned to stop struggling and let myself go with the flow. And I wonder if age does this to a person. Have I accepted my fate and resigned myself to the ravages of the times? Whatever it is, this is better than where I was before. After running drenched for so long, I suddenly burst into my own place in the sun.

On my way home Friday night, I realize I did not look at my birthday horoscope (from The Philippine Star), which has become a birthday tradition. I thought of dropping by 7-Eleven to get a copy but then I changed my mind. What the heck. I will make my own fortune, my own future. I will not let some stupid stars foretell it for me.

Looking back at the things I went through just to be here, I will not say I deserve this. Rather, I’d say IT WAS WORTH IT.

Cheers!

***

I want to thank A LOT of people from the bottom of my newfound heart. But please allow me these special mentions:

MY FAMILY for single-handedly preparing everything. I knew the food tasted good because it was a labour of love.



MY (Extended) MARKETING FAMILY for pulling all the surprises. Makes me wanna scream and make some noise. Haha! I could not ask for anything more. How can you do such good things to a "boolei" like me?! Loved the video (Buti na lang safe...whew!)



K, B and J for helping me pull it off until the very end (which is clean-up time, hehe!). And the wonderful gift straight out of my wish list (how did you know?)!

For my “silent” friends for being as excited as I am and for making sure I enjoy every minute of it.

For The One Who Need Not Be Named, for doing everything above and beyond. Even if I’m not worthy, you still choose to overwhelm me.

FILM REVIEW: Summer Love?...NOT!

Here’s the thing. I came into this movie expecting a lot because my friends (M as the leader of the pack) have been gushing about it. For a movie that talks about something I can surely relate to, I surprised myself by being impassive about it. Maybe I’m a little too mature for this, or maybe my threshold for pain and misery was set too high and was not breached. So this a the case of IT’S ME, NOT THE MOVIE.



500 Days of Summer is a quirky and tragic romcom movie. In 500 days, it shows the whole spectrum and circus of modern day love: from “love at first sight” to “it’s over I’m moving on.” The story actually has heart as it explores that limbo that serves as the foundation of some relationships...the awkward “What are we?” stage (Oh, tell me about it!). But it deviates from the Mills & Boon template of love-found-and-love-lost stories by telling it the arthouse way.

While the plot delights and satisfies like summer breeze, this movie has a strange way of confusing itself as it bids for non-conformity. I loved the movie’s vintage color and throwback music but got confused on story’s timeframe (70’s? 80’s?). Realization only dawned when they were shown playing Wii Tennis. The morning-after dance sequence was cute and funny but it removes some tenderness to an otherwise heart-wrenching story. The non-linear way of storytelling, reminiscent of a romantic flipbook, worked well in showing us the fun times and fault lines in the Tom-Summer saga; but it ruins the way the characters are developed (more on this later). So comes its biggest letdown: for a story that is refusing to be non-traditional, it settles for a cutesy cliché ending.

The movie’s brilliant moments come when it walks the fine line between reel and real. It has the Hollywood fanfare of a romantic fantasy but remains grounded on the realities of non-destined love. The split-screen treatment of reality vis-à-vis expectations delivers the Ouch! factor. It is sick and relevant; the kind that will scrape the scars in your heart. This sequence alone saves the movie from the trash bin of forgettable romcoms.

The two lead stars are immensely likeable. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a revelation in this movie. I only knew him from Ten Things I Hate About You and a handful of TV appearances but I didn’t know he matured into a sensitive actor. It’s a good thing they did not cast an A-List cutie (Zac Efron?) to play Tom, because Gordon-Levitt makes the story believable with his firm grasp of subtlety and emotions. His face registers the stages of love, lust, hope, pain, frustration and perplexity beneath an armour of geek-like coolness. However, I can’t shake off the fact that he looks like a starved Ryan Atwood (from The O.C.) with the tics of Seth Cohen.

Zooey Deschanel is a dead ringer for Katy Perry, down to the costume. For some reason, I couldn’t get to her Summer character...she is too much a mystery and reads like a closed book. I’m torn between Deschanel not giving much dimension to her character or the scriptwriter failing to breathe life to Summer. Maybe she was really THAT complex and I am as baffled as Tom. But this may also be taken as part of the movie’s appeal.



Having said that, the movie failed to establish the characters outside of their exclusive and precarious relationship. Maybe that’s why I didn’t care that much about their dilemmas. Their misery is simply infantile. It didn’t bring me to fetal position, the way tragic male-centric indie flicks like Garden State (Zach Braff, Natalie Portman) or even Dedication (Billy Crudup, Mandy Moore) did.

Maybe because after 500 days, the movie gave hope to Tom...but unfortunately not in the form of self-realization and more mature insights on love and life. Just another shot at uncertain love. I think Tom’s view on love is as trivial and sketchy as the greeting cards he write (love is a rose and you are its petals). He even gets romantic wisdom from his sister whose two cents makes me want to throw up. Like TV's Felicity, Tom stages his own love suicide and I don’t have much sympathy for lovefools of his kind, even if I know they deserve better.

For what it’s worth, 500 Days Of Summer shows us that love is random and baffling. And it proves that all things come to an end, even heartache and misery. After summer comes...hmmm...I guess you can figure this one out.



***

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

***

Tom: You don't want to be named as someone's boyfriend, and now your someone's wife?

***

Tom: What happens when you fall in love?
Summer: You believe in that?
Tom: It's love, it's not Santa Claus.

The Heatseekers (November 4, 2009)

For music buffs, here are some songs that are worth downloading. Some of these songs are a couple of months old already but they are still on heavy circulation on my personal playlist and in the airwaves.


* Fireflies – Owl City (HOT PICK!)
* New Perspective – Panic At The Disco (PERSONAL PICK!)
* H.A.T.E.U – Mariah Carey (which stands for "Having A Typical Emotional Upset")
* Who Says – John Mayer
* Doesn’t Mean Anything – Alicia Keys
* Live Like We’re Dying – Kris Allen
* Halfway Gone - Lifehouse
* Meet Me On The Equinox – Death Cab For Cutie
* Life After You – Daughtry
* Issues – The Sundays
* Nothing – FMD
* Where Are You Now - Honor Society
* Celebration – Madonna
* Tell Me Your Name – Christian Bautista
* Man In The Mirror – James Morrison version

***

Here are two mini-reviews of albums you should check out.



WHITE LACE AND PROMISES (Agot Isidro)

I have been a silent fan of Agot since she released her first album back in my high school (casette tape) days. Ok, ok...I have a huge and long-standing crush on her. I have met her thrice in person and she is really nice. Hers is a beauty that is ageless and a relaxed and classy voice that is a welcome alternative to the ear-splitting wails of freakish local divas.

I have long wanted Ms. A to release a revival album since she really did a good job with OPM standards Sa Kanya and Iisa Pa Lamang in her previous works. For this album, she gathered a collection of her favorite wedding songs and gave it her own elegant spin. She has the modern wedding anthems: From This Momentand Runaway (given second life after being used in the Judy Ann-Ryan wedding). She even threw in some forgotten hits: Fallen (from Pretty Woman) and Together Forever (Rico Puno’s and not Rick Astley’s). Her rendition of Fallen is smooth and refreshing and her tender rendition of Looking Through The Eyes Of Love brings back the soulful meaning to the song that is often vandalized by screaming divas.

This CD also comes in a neat packaging, the best I have seen for a local release. It is made to look like a wedding invitation.

Best Track: Fallen
Skip This: When You Say Nothing At All (the song is just too overplayed)



MEMOIRS OF AN IMPERFECT ANGEL (Mariah Carey)

For the record, MC’s past two CDs (Emancipation of Mimi and E=MC2) really glittered...uhmm pun intended. In her new studio album, MC upped her vibe by fusing old school R&B and her trademark slinky urban rhythms. Think My All plus Breakdown. Here, MC tones down her high-octave vocals in exchange for breathy whispers which clearly suits the new song formats.

Memoirs is a pretty consistent album and each track flows effortlessly to the next via well-placed interludes. This makes the whole of the album pretty enjoyable. The imperfection of Memoirs lies in its lack of a smash #1 chartbuster (the likes of We Belong Together and Bye Bye). However, songs here grow on you with each listen; the third single H.A.T.E.U., for instance. Also missing are the slick/flirty pop ditties like Touch My Body. Instead, we have venomous back-at-you songs Obsessed (her latest 1M-selling single) and Betcha Gon Know, with the later adding shock value as MC says the F word. A different side to MC but still worth listening.

Best Track: Angels Cry
Skip This: Up Out My Face (even the paired interlude is kinda weird)

In The Shadow Of The New Moon

Even if Halloween just whizzed us by, the New Moon fever is very much aglow. I have barely two weeks to finish this book before the movie rolls out.

To be honest, I got into the Twilight bandwagon just to be "in" on the new pop phenomenon (part of our Marketing lifestyle). And because F pressured us. I found the book a bit juvenile...like Anne Rice rewriting Sweet Valley High with bloody ink. But this does not make the book any less enjoyable. It combines two compelling fantasies...the existence of vampires and the discovery of true love despite the odds.

The movie is different though and far from juvenile. I think it did justice to the book, which seldom happens when you bring a novel to silverscreen life. Everything seemed to be well thought of...from the casting to the cinematography. Even the OST and musical score is superb. The OST immortally resided on my player (I still can't get over that Iron & Wine track).



I’m a fifth into the book and newsflash: the new moon has casted a shadow over me. I blame it for feeling morose and aloof today. Agony is universal, no matter what the phase of the moon will be.

Excuse me while I sulk... I mean excuse me while I resume my reading.

Un-dying

Memories will never die. I realize this after my first taste of the death of a loved one. You live in suspended disbelief during the three days of the wake. You shed an ocean of tears during the internment. Then you move on with your life, however incomplete it has become. But in one unguarded moment, something stirs your memories and you remember them. It can be a song, a thing she loved...in my instance even a rock. The remembrance steals your breath; the pain sears and clutches the heart.

This year, I will be celebrating more deaths than ever. I can still remember how I learned of each death. Nothing can prepare you for it. It’s difficult to forget the point where your life took an abrupt turn. The memories are sharp, like broken shards of glass. Yes, the pain of loss does fade in time, but it is the kind that will never truly go away.



I have always been sensitive about the death of a loved one, even before I had my firsthand experience. I remember when A’s dad died in sixth grade. I thought it was cruel; how can a good-hearted girl be given such unkind fate. When she returned to school, I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to ask if she was OK. That is probably one of the most inconsiderate questions ever invented. How can you ask someone who just lost her dad if she was okay? Of course she is not! So I think I just smiled, hoping that will convey my sympathy. But I decided it was too uncaring so I asked her what happened. In the process, I ended up making her cry as she recollected her dad’s last hours.

Three years later, I was at the other end of that table.

There have been good days, in as much as there have been darker days. Now that I am in a much better place in life, I wish my departed loved ones could see what I have become. A lesser disappointment. I longed for their pat on my shoulders after surviving each fall. Especially my Lola. She always championed what I am and what I want; accepting my flaws and applauding my smallest feats. At the lowest point in my life, she was one of the handful who did not look at me with disillusionment and odium. When she passed on, I felt so alone for the first time in my life. From then on I started living in shadows. I learned to be autonomous...to deaden and detach myself. Depend on myself.

When my dad died, my life rebooted. It forced me to let go and come to terms with a lot of things.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the person I was supposed to be. If this is the life I was meant to live. Or is this some kind of half-life, a metamorphosis engineered by loss and expectations and reinforced by the will to survive.

I realize what I missed most about family who have passed on is their rock presence. Their being there, regardless if you need them or not. At 30, I still feel like a child sometimes. A child trying to grab hold of a hand; only to realize it is not there anymore.



***

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around... now
-James Taylor