Airborne/Earthbound

Leaves fall... do you blame the wind or the tree that let it go?

Just one of the questions burning in my head right now. I have not been the happiest camper lately. There is this deluge of disillusion and disinterest that just burst forth, like flood water breaking out of a dam. It’s unstoppable and in no time I was drenched and carried away.

A friend asked: What happened? I said: Nothing. Just a series of unfortunate events. Which is more cruel because you don’t know which episode to digest.

I have never been good at throwing caution to the winds. Calculated risks and over-analysis are my cups of tea. But when logic eludes me and emotions become my pilot, I roll the dice. Last week, in a light bulb moment, I decided that whatever will be the Billboard #1 song will make or break an upcoming decision. It’s my version of asking the universe for a sign.

I know most people will just do the head-or-tail toss. But I’d like to be more creative and a little more personal. Going back to the head-or-tail toss, I read somewhere that as soon as you flip the coin there is that moment while the coin is in mid-air that you wish that it will go a certain way. Then that is the decision that you want for yourself. No flip of the coin can dictate that.

Ok, so I was torn. But while waiting for the Billboard charts to refresh last Friday, I realized I was secretly wishing that it will be a new #1 song. Somehow deep inside, I know this is the decision that will make me happy.

To cut the story short, last Friday the #1 song was Fly Like A G6 (Far East Movement).

There is no clearer sign than this.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe most of them we will never know. Maybe we don’t have the power to choose the “given” but we can still chose where we go from there.

Yes, I miss the perks...



***

I'm looking to the sky to save me,
Looking for a sign of light,
Looking for something to help me burn out bright.

So Long, Tubthumper!

It is way too easy to write a blog with such a heavy heart.

The past few months has been an apocalypse of sorts. I said goodbye to a lot of people. Not eternal goodbyes, but the seen-you-around kind of goodbyes. Not as painful but still it makes you take stock of things. As usual, I forced myself to be nonchalant about it and tried to grin and bear it. But denial can only go so far. Because last Friday was the straw that broke the camel’s already weary back.

Last night, we celebrated (bemoaned would have been the better word) the estrangement of a dear friend and partner in crime. A moment of truth that feels like a weird sequence in a bad dream. Also a communion between good friends who knows that what they have is beyond the confines of their current snow globe.



A mentor once told me to be partial to those who have gone through a lot in life; they will be my best allies. He told me to look for “shells” – people who can turn inner suffering into pearls. It’s an advice I took to heart. Come to think of it, my inner circle of true friends share a common thread of tragedy and the scars of a troubled past. I’ve become increasingly fond of people who managed to rise above whatever curveball Life throws at them.

So no surprise that we got along rather easily. On our first encounter, he immediately played the going-is-tough card, thus earning my early admiration. We are both overprotective Kuyas to hard heads who think they know what’s best for them. We went through parallel domestic difficulties and carry crosses that are not ours to bear. Not that we are complaining. It’s something we have come to terms with; victims of chance and circumstance that we are.

A lot has happened in the almost four years that he was with us. And he was always the de rigueur constant (especially during birthdays...how can we do 10 shots without you?). But now things are never the same again. Goodness gracious. I realize that with him gone, I only have one remaining male buddy. And yes, we do have a situation here. It’s a sinking and disheartening feeling, to be a solitary struggling Y in an overbearing pool of Xs.

Much has been said and there are a thousand things we will miss about him. Personally, I’ll miss having a default roommate who has everything you need stowed in his luggage. I’ll miss having a fellow metro-S and OC to boot. Oh, did I mention the sarcasm that can rival mine? I’ll miss his brand of bickering and lashing back (especially at P); so unassumingly yet effectively sarcastic.

I’ll remember him every time I wear this one polo that he also has. Now I don’t have to mentally recall if I saw him wearing his lately, for fear of us looking like identical twins. I’ll think of him every time I discover a cool new song, as we have this friendly game on who knows the latest RX wannabe. I’ll miss comparing movie notes with him; I remember he forced me to watch 100 Days Of Summer and I like it so much that I have watched it countless times.

I’ll miss having someone who cracks-up at my highbrow jokes and wade through my cryptic verses to comprehend the hidden meaning behind the words (elephants in the room be damned). Only a person of a similar wavelength can do that. And he has his own way of being enigmatic as well (but he cannot fool me with his Bench-themed tweet). I’ll miss having someone who has enough good nature to respect personal space and personal decisions. Someone who can make fun of you without bruising your ego.

He has a goldmine of patience and understanding. During the time when I was dealing with a mighty wind that almost burned my candle down, his silence and indifference became a much-needed comfort. In people like him I found the strength to shake it off.

In these times when sincerity is a foreign word, I’ll pine for the one who never added agenda to his dictionary. In this day and age where douche bags are placed on pedestals and where good guys become punchlines, I’ll miss the rebel with uncompromising values. I’ll miss having a fellow Ted Mosby in a mosh pit full of Barney Stinsons.

In a world where being yourself is simply not good enough, I’ll miss having someone who sees me as I am; someone who appreciates my strongest suit and understands the chinks in my armor.

So long, my friend. This chapter in your life is ending and I know your story doesn’t end here (sorry, but we are such indispensable characters). Though it brings us utter sadness, we know it’s time for your star to shine somewhere else. Much as it will make our world a tad gloomier, we will just bask at the trails of light that you have left behind.

Thank you and see you on the greener side. Wink, wink.

P.S. He is far from a tubthumper, as he is a person without agenda. It's just that the song will always remind us of him.

***

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Be strong
Walk on

Question of Fate

Starry-eyed and nostalgic on a Saturday morning and I have Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack to blame. And some David Gray.

A few moments ago, I woke up with a slight headache; probably from staying up late and my stupid body clock waking me up and preventing me from sleeping in. While waiting for the caffeine to kick in, I opened the TV but nothing interesting to watch. Just one top model show after the other (seriously how many top models does the world need?). Then I chanced upon this Chinese channel showing English movies (with Chinese subtitles of course). At the risk of sounding cheesy and redundant, fate and destiny led me to one of my all-time favourite movies.



Ok, I never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. I'm more of the hapless romantic (cue in chuckles). Yes, I read Nicholas Sparks and Paulo Coehlo, but I approach their stories with my signature blend of sarcasm and disbelief; writing off their stories as modern day fairy tales where happy ever afters are so once upon a time.

But once in a long while, something permeates the thick wall of disinterest and indifference that I built. A resounding echo bouncing off the walls of my empty heart. And suddenly I get hit with a mind-blinding force straight out of Cupid’s bow.

It was love at first viewing. Kate Beckinsale is a jaw-dropping heartbreaker in this movie. I think the accent makes British girls seem smarter. Then, it happened during Christmas, where the blanket of good tidings makes everything and everyone seem a whole lot nicer. And the story...THE STORY!!! I know it's a bit Mills & Boon-y but for me, it was heart-breakingly simple but at the same time earnest and tender. In layman's term (haha), may kurot sa puso (tugs at the heart). Cue in the romantic sigh.

Maybe part of me is fascinated by how a smart beauty can fall for a sloppy wuss. Story of my life. Or should I say, FANTASY OF MY LIFE. Please don’t quote me on this.

I have the Serendipity DVD and I watch it ceremoniously every Christmas. I even have the OST and the opening notes alone of David Gray’s January Rain has the power to dissolve me in mush. By the time Evan and Jaron’s The Distance spins, I have morphed into a more mawkish version of Jonathan Trager.

I know my sister hates this movie because she thinks the plot is improbable (well with that kind of logic, she probably hates 9 out of 10 movies). But I beg to disagree.

I’ve had my Serendipity slash Bridges of Madison Country moment many years back. I don’t talk about it much because the magic of that day was simply beyond words. I bumped into her when I was babysitting my younger brother on his first educational trip. She was babysitting the brother of her husband (yes, you read it right...her husband). I don’t even remember her face now. All I remember is the pain in her eyes the one and only time I saw her after that. She was with her husband and when she saw me, her expression just fell. Her eyes were asking the question that I was afraid to answer: why only now?

Oh well. I am such a magnet for anything complicated.

So here I am on a muggy Saturday morning, wishing for a skating rink and snow. So I can just lay down and look at the stars and dream. Waiting for a mitten to come flying and for Fate/Destiny to hand me my own Sara Thomas.

But then again, Destiny cannot swoop down on me only because Reality is standing guard and slapping me in the face every so often.

So who am I kidding?



P.S. If by chance you see an old paperback copy of The Secret Garden with a number scrawled on the 13th page, call that number. Who knows...

P.S.2 Don't get me wrong. I'm happy with my self-imposed solitude. It's just that this movie puts me in an illogical trance. Emphasis on illogical.

***

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough

It's hard to remember
As long as you're away
When I find solace
There's only one way

- The Distance