It’s easier to believe
In the glorious madness
That brings me to my knees
Let me be empty and weightless
And maybe I’ll find some peace
****
I had the chance to be with the old gang this week, after what seems like eternity. As with our past gathering, we realize that everyone has aged a bit, not in looks but in experience. Well, LIFE happened to each of us and each one has a story to tell. Dim the lights and let the pain unravel.
R, the strongest physically, is crumbling inside as he confronts his usual demons. SR wins the award for biggest turnaround, but she is still the same fondly immature baby we have loved since then. SC, my alter-ego, still spews caustic acid and his trademark cooler-than-thou lamentations.
Some things changed but somehow we remain the same. That’s the beauty of it. No matter what kind of hand we are dealt with, we know that what we have is WAY ABOVE it.
Being with these people puts my life in perspective. I’m still facing the mighty wind and since the die has been cast, I expect things will never be the same again. For some people, that is.
****
TO EACH, HIS OWN. That has always been my personal philosophy. I make it a point to respect other people’s opinions, decisions, choices, even their feelings. Especially if it does not affect my life whatsoever, or to put it ever so bluntly – especially if it is none of my business. How stupid I was to expect this from other people.
A friend (M) asked me where I find the strength to walk on. I said it is the will to tie some loose ends and consequently make it easier for a handful of people. That I would be good, even if I was overwhelmed.
Silence, indifference, nonchalance, distance. Hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds.
For the record, you did not knock the wind out of me. As difficult as it is, I can still breathe. Come on, can’t you feel it down your neck?! But the point is...WHAT’S THE POINT?
Go ahead, be my guest. Resent it just because it was the best you NEVER had.
Try as I might to fight it, it was the principle of last touch that lingered. Disenchantment has re-etched cynical clues in this weary heart. I tried holding on to the last vestige of emotions, be it smothering pain or a sliver of bliss, from some supposedly indelible memory. But even those have faded to mediocrity. There was NOTHING. I am devoid of feelings...I just feel EMPTY.
If only for the first and last time, I’ll think (mostly) of myself. The countdown begins...tick-tock…tick-tock.
*****
Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
As I tried to forget
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
A Mighty Wind
If you could only see
What life has made of me
Then I’ll no longer be in you mind
The different kind
There are many grey areas in life. Often, you do not choose your own hell. It is chosen for you. Where I am now could be some half-life; a mutation engineered by the need of others to preserve themselves and further complicated by rapacity. Damn human nature if it is that unscrupulous.
They say God is in the details and it was in the details that I found my reprieve. But then, details don’t matter at all when we are both paying the price. And so I was short-changed…what else is new? I know there is a world bigger than us, but you can never chastise me for living for the moment. My world does not revolve around “other” people, if you know what I mean. Anyway, that’s just me.
I can understand the lies that were borne out of hurt or the need to defend oneself. What I don’t understand are the distorted assumptions, the senseless meddling and the charades that were played just to forward one’s personal agenda. The people in glass houses who were audacious enough to cast stones.
For now I will stand still. Someday soon, when the dust has cleared and when eyes have been unclouded, maybe I will have my word. Or maybe not. Maybe I will just wait for reality to come crashing for some people.
For now this will be my official statement: If you have a certain belief about something, you can twist EVERYTHING to confirm, substantiate and re-affirm that belief of yours.
With all the muddled and deluded thoughts going around, only one thing is clear: the final nail has been placed on the coffin. Or to sound more positive...I recognize a sign when I see one.
I walk through life knowing I am man enough to face the consequences of my actions. I can and I will swallow my bitter pill. I can and I will face my necessary evils. I have played the role of the fall guy, the punching bag, the unsung hero, or what have you, many times before. With that comes a resultant resilience to self-destruction. Somebody told me before that I will never get over it, but I will get used to it. I'll let my soul be my pilot.
Forgive, maybe… but I can’t forget it. Everyday I live with it. I fake a smile and deal with the SIDE EFFECTS but I won’t let it get the best of me.
Now tell me…how do I redefine something that never had a name?
****
All around me are familiar places, worn-out faces
Bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere
The tears are filling up their glasses, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very, very mad world.
****
With this, I would like to immortalize my immense appreciation for FIVE PEOPLE (you know who you are) who kept their candles burning as I face this mighty wind. As you made me promise, I will never stop believing... so long as there are people like you who give me enough reasons to still believe. Sometimes, I don't understand the logic of your kind of trust. But all the strength that I need is your FAITH.
What life has made of me
Then I’ll no longer be in you mind
The different kind
There are many grey areas in life. Often, you do not choose your own hell. It is chosen for you. Where I am now could be some half-life; a mutation engineered by the need of others to preserve themselves and further complicated by rapacity. Damn human nature if it is that unscrupulous.
They say God is in the details and it was in the details that I found my reprieve. But then, details don’t matter at all when we are both paying the price. And so I was short-changed…what else is new? I know there is a world bigger than us, but you can never chastise me for living for the moment. My world does not revolve around “other” people, if you know what I mean. Anyway, that’s just me.
I can understand the lies that were borne out of hurt or the need to defend oneself. What I don’t understand are the distorted assumptions, the senseless meddling and the charades that were played just to forward one’s personal agenda. The people in glass houses who were audacious enough to cast stones.
For now I will stand still. Someday soon, when the dust has cleared and when eyes have been unclouded, maybe I will have my word. Or maybe not. Maybe I will just wait for reality to come crashing for some people.
For now this will be my official statement: If you have a certain belief about something, you can twist EVERYTHING to confirm, substantiate and re-affirm that belief of yours.
With all the muddled and deluded thoughts going around, only one thing is clear: the final nail has been placed on the coffin. Or to sound more positive...I recognize a sign when I see one.
I walk through life knowing I am man enough to face the consequences of my actions. I can and I will swallow my bitter pill. I can and I will face my necessary evils. I have played the role of the fall guy, the punching bag, the unsung hero, or what have you, many times before. With that comes a resultant resilience to self-destruction. Somebody told me before that I will never get over it, but I will get used to it. I'll let my soul be my pilot.
Forgive, maybe… but I can’t forget it. Everyday I live with it. I fake a smile and deal with the SIDE EFFECTS but I won’t let it get the best of me.
Now tell me…how do I redefine something that never had a name?
****
All around me are familiar places, worn-out faces
Bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere
The tears are filling up their glasses, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very, very mad world.
****
With this, I would like to immortalize my immense appreciation for FIVE PEOPLE (you know who you are) who kept their candles burning as I face this mighty wind. As you made me promise, I will never stop believing... so long as there are people like you who give me enough reasons to still believe. Sometimes, I don't understand the logic of your kind of trust. But all the strength that I need is your FAITH.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Celebrating 33 Years..."J"-Style
He wanted to make it something special and rightfully so. It has been 33 years since one of the finest people to ever walk this planet (naks) was born. Then, after everything is said and done, he has sped past his one year mark at our beloved company. Double the reason, double the fun.
May 26 Going 27
Sidebar: Until now, I cannot fathom that it was only a year ago since he became part of the “family.” With the many things that have happened, it does feel like centuries already.
It has been the tradition in our inner circle to come up with a birthday surprise. J’s actual birthday fell on a Tuesday and since we are usually together Monday nights, it was quite easy gathering the flock. The challenge is how to keep the surprise a secret.
Knowing J’s gift for prognostication, he knew what was coming and at the back of my mind, I knew he knows… and he was making it easy for us. First is the extension of our game so that we will finish near midnight already. Then he wanted me to drive (so I have control of our destination after the game and he never questioned where we were going). Then he would try to distance himself when I would try to talk to TA for the next steps of our plan. (Later, he would show me a text he composed as proof that he knew “my plan”).
Since I was with him most of Monday night, the birthday “paraphernalia” are with the others. My task was to bring him to MK where his birthday surprise awaits. To cut a long story short, we were enjoying Persian food when he turned a year older. Then we dished out the requisite card, the cake and the dessert. We only held off the gift giving since his official celebration is not until the weekend
Footnote: TA made a funny dedication on J’s card: You are 33 now…remember what happened to Jesus Christ and Alexander the Great when they turned 33. Bwahaha!
Celebrating One’s Birthday…J-Style
It was months in the making and it was a feat in itself that we did not have (the usual) photo finish for this. After meticulous online research and one rewarding ocular inspection, the venue was secured a month before. (J, from the start, wanted an overnight stay at a private resort. That way, people will have fun just drinking the night away and not worry on driving home later.)
The invitation and guest list was finalized 2 weeks prior. The Committee on Food (also know as his former sales group) was set-up a week before. It was only the booze that we have to procure during the 11th hour. The carpool assignment was nailed down earlier as well.
The invitation drew “wows” from the recipients. It was proof that J meant business when it comes to having fun.
The timing was near-perfect: it was the end of the month. But we still have some last-minute work to do so it was quite late when we started our journey to Pansol. J and I have to make three stops before we were truly south-bound. The other carpools have to wait and have dinner at Petron SlEx so we were able to catch-up and were actually the second to arrive at the venue. But we were so famished that we bought some roasted chicken along the way and immediately pounced on it, san utensils, upon arriving at the venue.
The venue is a private resort at Miramonte Village. It boasts of a swimming pool, three air-conditioned bedrooms with two queen size beds, a big kitchen with gas stove and ref, a barbeque grill and a 3-car garage. And of course, the staple in every gig we plan: a videoke machine. The venue can accommodate 30 people but we only expected around 18. But then some people have to bail out on the last minute because of personal alibis (hehe) so the final count was 13.
The others soon arrived and we immediately unloaded the food and started making late dinner-cum-booze matches (ano ba ang English ng pulutan?). The rollicking celebration for J’s birthday was swinging in no time. Here are the highlights of the event:
1.The videoke-fest. It started with the so-called personal anthems (ok, mine was Pain In My Heart). Then the signature hits (TP with Barry Manilow, birthday boy with Kalapana). We even competed on whose rendition of Half Crazy will score the highest (the winner was C and surprisingly, I was second). We were so addicted with videoke singing that we had to bring the mike and song booklist near the edge of the pool so we can sing while swimming. The song of the day was Broken Vow (I think we sang it 246 times). But the best performance of the night was MM who brought the house down with his wacky (to say the least) rendition of Superman and Tubthumping. It has been immortalized on video for blackmail purposes. It will soon appear on YouTube with the caption: MM After Just One Shot of Tequila.
2.The Survivor Pansol Moments. Though we planned everything meticulously, sometimes you tend to forget some things…important things at that. I packed a knife and can opener just to be sure. We also reminded the grocery people to buy plastic utensils. But what we forgot were the tongs for grilling and pots and pans for cooking. So we were grilling food using just barbeque sticks to turn the meat and the coals around. Then we had to fry hotdogs using the casserole from the rice cooker. When B (the expert in grilling) left early, T, J and I struggled at first with making a decent coal fire but soon lunch was happily grilling.
3.The booze session. MM and I went out to get some ice and mineral water. The group was already gearing up for the tequila shots when we left and when we came back, we have to catch up on four rounds. MC was quite efficient in serving the tequila that we finished one bottle in less than an hour. Beers and vodka were also served so we were wasting away in no time. However, we consumed only half of the all the booze J prepared.
4.The swimming. To clear our heads of the booze, we decided to make good use of the pool. The water was so deliciously warm that we didn’t mind if we were already turning into prunes. Our pool games include getting the thrown coin from the bottom of the pool. This will lead to teaching B (the weakest link…hmmm…sino kaya to?) some lessons in diving. It was frustrating at first since his body refuse to sink but after birthday boy taught the proper technique (he is a Lozada, after all, haha), he was retrieving the coin like a pro...professional golden retriever, haha. We also made good use of C’s underwater camera gear and tried to take underwater photos of each other. It was difficult to multitask underwater: you have to sink, breathe, swim, project and smile for the camera and take the photo.
5.The UFO (Unidentified Floating Object). One of the girls (name withheld to protect her identity….bwahaha) had a Cosmo Confession moment. The three of us were in one corner of the pool when J noticed a floating object and jokingly shouted “Jellyfish!” I countered the joke and said it was a condom. Then to push the joke further, I said that it was one of those silicon implants girls place on their bras. Turned out it was indeed THAT and the horrified expression of “her” face was priceless (pasalamat ka kami lang ang nakakita, haha).
6. The Kuya Germs Moments. With all the fun we were having, it was inevitable that we might not catch some sleep at all. But I think it was MM and TP who first crawled into the beds. Then the girls who did not swim. Birthday boy took a shower near dawn and I said I’ll be next. When I realized it was taking him forever, I went upstairs only to find out that he has dozed off. I decided to catch my forty winks as well and we were only awakened when some people have to leave by early morning. I think we only slept for less than 2 hours. The Kuya Germs Award goes to C. She barely slept and still managed to a have a videoke concert by mid-day. She tried to sleep at the boy’s room but there would be three little tykes (J, B and TP...in that order) who will disturb her sleep (minutes apart) because they have to get something from the room.
7. The Pool Side Gossip. I will keep mum about this. After all, what’s an overnight bonding session without the token gossip and drama? Good thing the drama did not get in the way of the fun.
We had a total three sets of swimming sessions and innumerable turns at the videoke. Too bad some people had to leave early because of work or personal matters they have to attend to. The rest of us wrapped up before 5pm.
With the lack of sleep, the impact of the booze and with bodies battered from swimming, it was a huge effort just to drive home. J and I failed to keep each other awake while driving that we decided to stop at gas station, meet TP and have some sort of night cap and chase the clouds of sleep away.
Hands down, J raised the bar for birthday celebrations (pressure on C...who’s next on the list). And he has added another feather to his cap: event planner and consultant. Trust J to know how to have a good time. This is another one for the books.
May 26 Going 27
Sidebar: Until now, I cannot fathom that it was only a year ago since he became part of the “family.” With the many things that have happened, it does feel like centuries already.
It has been the tradition in our inner circle to come up with a birthday surprise. J’s actual birthday fell on a Tuesday and since we are usually together Monday nights, it was quite easy gathering the flock. The challenge is how to keep the surprise a secret.
Knowing J’s gift for prognostication, he knew what was coming and at the back of my mind, I knew he knows… and he was making it easy for us. First is the extension of our game so that we will finish near midnight already. Then he wanted me to drive (so I have control of our destination after the game and he never questioned where we were going). Then he would try to distance himself when I would try to talk to TA for the next steps of our plan. (Later, he would show me a text he composed as proof that he knew “my plan”).
Since I was with him most of Monday night, the birthday “paraphernalia” are with the others. My task was to bring him to MK where his birthday surprise awaits. To cut a long story short, we were enjoying Persian food when he turned a year older. Then we dished out the requisite card, the cake and the dessert. We only held off the gift giving since his official celebration is not until the weekend
Footnote: TA made a funny dedication on J’s card: You are 33 now…remember what happened to Jesus Christ and Alexander the Great when they turned 33. Bwahaha!
Celebrating One’s Birthday…J-Style
It was months in the making and it was a feat in itself that we did not have (the usual) photo finish for this. After meticulous online research and one rewarding ocular inspection, the venue was secured a month before. (J, from the start, wanted an overnight stay at a private resort. That way, people will have fun just drinking the night away and not worry on driving home later.)
The invitation and guest list was finalized 2 weeks prior. The Committee on Food (also know as his former sales group) was set-up a week before. It was only the booze that we have to procure during the 11th hour. The carpool assignment was nailed down earlier as well.
The invitation drew “wows” from the recipients. It was proof that J meant business when it comes to having fun.
The timing was near-perfect: it was the end of the month. But we still have some last-minute work to do so it was quite late when we started our journey to Pansol. J and I have to make three stops before we were truly south-bound. The other carpools have to wait and have dinner at Petron SlEx so we were able to catch-up and were actually the second to arrive at the venue. But we were so famished that we bought some roasted chicken along the way and immediately pounced on it, san utensils, upon arriving at the venue.
The venue is a private resort at Miramonte Village. It boasts of a swimming pool, three air-conditioned bedrooms with two queen size beds, a big kitchen with gas stove and ref, a barbeque grill and a 3-car garage. And of course, the staple in every gig we plan: a videoke machine. The venue can accommodate 30 people but we only expected around 18. But then some people have to bail out on the last minute because of personal alibis (hehe) so the final count was 13.
The others soon arrived and we immediately unloaded the food and started making late dinner-cum-booze matches (ano ba ang English ng pulutan?). The rollicking celebration for J’s birthday was swinging in no time. Here are the highlights of the event:
1.The videoke-fest. It started with the so-called personal anthems (ok, mine was Pain In My Heart). Then the signature hits (TP with Barry Manilow, birthday boy with Kalapana). We even competed on whose rendition of Half Crazy will score the highest (the winner was C and surprisingly, I was second). We were so addicted with videoke singing that we had to bring the mike and song booklist near the edge of the pool so we can sing while swimming. The song of the day was Broken Vow (I think we sang it 246 times). But the best performance of the night was MM who brought the house down with his wacky (to say the least) rendition of Superman and Tubthumping. It has been immortalized on video for blackmail purposes. It will soon appear on YouTube with the caption: MM After Just One Shot of Tequila.
2.The Survivor Pansol Moments. Though we planned everything meticulously, sometimes you tend to forget some things…important things at that. I packed a knife and can opener just to be sure. We also reminded the grocery people to buy plastic utensils. But what we forgot were the tongs for grilling and pots and pans for cooking. So we were grilling food using just barbeque sticks to turn the meat and the coals around. Then we had to fry hotdogs using the casserole from the rice cooker. When B (the expert in grilling) left early, T, J and I struggled at first with making a decent coal fire but soon lunch was happily grilling.
3.The booze session. MM and I went out to get some ice and mineral water. The group was already gearing up for the tequila shots when we left and when we came back, we have to catch up on four rounds. MC was quite efficient in serving the tequila that we finished one bottle in less than an hour. Beers and vodka were also served so we were wasting away in no time. However, we consumed only half of the all the booze J prepared.
4.The swimming. To clear our heads of the booze, we decided to make good use of the pool. The water was so deliciously warm that we didn’t mind if we were already turning into prunes. Our pool games include getting the thrown coin from the bottom of the pool. This will lead to teaching B (the weakest link…hmmm…sino kaya to?) some lessons in diving. It was frustrating at first since his body refuse to sink but after birthday boy taught the proper technique (he is a Lozada, after all, haha), he was retrieving the coin like a pro...professional golden retriever, haha. We also made good use of C’s underwater camera gear and tried to take underwater photos of each other. It was difficult to multitask underwater: you have to sink, breathe, swim, project and smile for the camera and take the photo.
5.The UFO (Unidentified Floating Object). One of the girls (name withheld to protect her identity….bwahaha) had a Cosmo Confession moment. The three of us were in one corner of the pool when J noticed a floating object and jokingly shouted “Jellyfish!” I countered the joke and said it was a condom. Then to push the joke further, I said that it was one of those silicon implants girls place on their bras. Turned out it was indeed THAT and the horrified expression of “her” face was priceless (pasalamat ka kami lang ang nakakita, haha).
6. The Kuya Germs Moments. With all the fun we were having, it was inevitable that we might not catch some sleep at all. But I think it was MM and TP who first crawled into the beds. Then the girls who did not swim. Birthday boy took a shower near dawn and I said I’ll be next. When I realized it was taking him forever, I went upstairs only to find out that he has dozed off. I decided to catch my forty winks as well and we were only awakened when some people have to leave by early morning. I think we only slept for less than 2 hours. The Kuya Germs Award goes to C. She barely slept and still managed to a have a videoke concert by mid-day. She tried to sleep at the boy’s room but there would be three little tykes (J, B and TP...in that order) who will disturb her sleep (minutes apart) because they have to get something from the room.
7. The Pool Side Gossip. I will keep mum about this. After all, what’s an overnight bonding session without the token gossip and drama? Good thing the drama did not get in the way of the fun.
We had a total three sets of swimming sessions and innumerable turns at the videoke. Too bad some people had to leave early because of work or personal matters they have to attend to. The rest of us wrapped up before 5pm.
With the lack of sleep, the impact of the booze and with bodies battered from swimming, it was a huge effort just to drive home. J and I failed to keep each other awake while driving that we decided to stop at gas station, meet TP and have some sort of night cap and chase the clouds of sleep away.
Hands down, J raised the bar for birthday celebrations (pressure on C...who’s next on the list). And he has added another feather to his cap: event planner and consultant. Trust J to know how to have a good time. This is another one for the books.
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