It’s easier to believe
In the glorious madness
That brings me to my knees
Let me be empty and weightless
And maybe I’ll find some peace
****
I had the chance to be with the old gang this week, after what seems like eternity. As with our past gathering, we realize that everyone has aged a bit, not in looks but in experience. Well, LIFE happened to each of us and each one has a story to tell. Dim the lights and let the pain unravel.
R, the strongest physically, is crumbling inside as he confronts his usual demons. SR wins the award for biggest turnaround, but she is still the same fondly immature baby we have loved since then. SC, my alter-ego, still spews caustic acid and his trademark cooler-than-thou lamentations.
Some things changed but somehow we remain the same. That’s the beauty of it. No matter what kind of hand we are dealt with, we know that what we have is WAY ABOVE it.
Being with these people puts my life in perspective. I’m still facing the mighty wind and since the die has been cast, I expect things will never be the same again. For some people, that is.
****
TO EACH, HIS OWN. That has always been my personal philosophy. I make it a point to respect other people’s opinions, decisions, choices, even their feelings. Especially if it does not affect my life whatsoever, or to put it ever so bluntly – especially if it is none of my business. How stupid I was to expect this from other people.
A friend (M) asked me where I find the strength to walk on. I said it is the will to tie some loose ends and consequently make it easier for a handful of people. That I would be good, even if I was overwhelmed.
Silence, indifference, nonchalance, distance. Hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds.
For the record, you did not knock the wind out of me. As difficult as it is, I can still breathe. Come on, can’t you feel it down your neck?! But the point is...WHAT’S THE POINT?
Go ahead, be my guest. Resent it just because it was the best you NEVER had.
Try as I might to fight it, it was the principle of last touch that lingered. Disenchantment has re-etched cynical clues in this weary heart. I tried holding on to the last vestige of emotions, be it smothering pain or a sliver of bliss, from some supposedly indelible memory. But even those have faded to mediocrity. There was NOTHING. I am devoid of feelings...I just feel EMPTY.
If only for the first and last time, I’ll think (mostly) of myself. The countdown begins...tick-tock…tick-tock.
*****
Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
As I tried to forget