And when the world is on its knees with me
It's fine
And when I come to the rescue
I get nothing but left behind
***
Some people find it hard to believe that I am a reluctant achiever. I never thought of myself as extraordinary, or special even. I know I have my share of positive attributes, but who doesn’t have one. Early in life I’ve been taught not to malign others just because you are better in one aspect. I bet you they are better than you in another aspect. Everything can sum up to equilibrium.
Somehow, the diamond-in-the-rough in me is polished by pressure and circumstances until I shone. Which is not a bad thing. But it has become a blessing and a curse. There are times when I wanted to be ordinary, a John Doe, and not be singled out. Sometimes I check if I have an ominous mark on my forehead. Yes, like Harry Potter.
Back in high school, I belonged to a “special” Saturday class composed of the “best” students from different schools. For the first few weeks, I hated it there. I felt I was outside looking in. I asked myself many times what I was doing there. It was my first taste of a dog-eat-dog world where people were trying to outdo themselves. I have enough on my plate already and I don’t need that. I came so close to quitting but my adviser told me that quitting meant giving up on our school. Pressure, pressure...and so I persevered.
One humid Saturday afternoon, during a lunch break in that special class, I found myself sharing a table with our Math mentor. He asked about my life and other personal stuff. Then in a surreal moment, like something from a movie where an oracle is about to be unveiled (complete with leaves being slowly buffeted by the tepid wind and weak sunshine), he changed his tone. He said: “I see something in you. You are destined for greatness. No matter what you do or where you go, you are sure to reap achievements.”
I thought he was just fulfilling his mentor duty and maybe he said that to each of us, considering that we are anyway, “chosen people” already.
At the end of that special class, I was given two medals: one from our Math mentor and the other for being the “over-all stand-out”. I was stupefied because I never expected to get anything out of that class (heck, I didn’t even know they gave out awards). I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Then, on a Tuesday night many years later, those words came back to haunt me again.
***
In one of those out-of-the-blue moments, a friend (A) came up with this weird theory. She said: You know what your problem is? You write such beautiful tragic masterpieces. I remember in college, during your worst heartbreak, I was crying over the heart-rending letters you wrote but never gave to the intended recipient. But on the outside, you remained unaffected and carried that devil-may-care attitude.
And then she continued: You divert anguish into something worthwhile. I don't know how you do it but you manage to find the beauty in the breakdown. Hence, you are giving the world a reason not to make you happy. Sira ulo ka talaga!
Ironically, we ended up laughing hysterically.
***
The best thing about us humans is that we are all tragically flawed. But we have the power to make our own choices and decisions based on the hand we are dealt with. We can spell our successes and our downfalls. All our choices boil down to half chances.
Spiderman said that we are the choices we make. And I say: IT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO, BUT WHO YOU ARE. Oh, tragic human nature!
***
While doing a school project for my little brother, I came upon these quotables, all mined from Aesop’s fables:
- It is easy to despise something you cannot get.
- He who has many friends, have no friends.
- Do not attempt too much at once.
- Not everything you see is what it appears to be.
- It is not only fine feathers that make a fine bird.
Oh well. If only everything was this crystal and this simple.
***
I blog for its therapeutic effects and for the fear that if I don’t use what writing prowess I posses, it would fade into nonexistence. I immortalize my thoughts and my words in cyberspace with the wild wish that someone out there can get something from it. Consider it my own personal good deed.
I read before that being a writer is like going around with your pants down. I know doing so makes me an easy target for mockery and judgment. But who cares?
Sometimes I feel sheepish when I receive a text from someone claiming that they read my blog; to be followed by some “fishing” on something cryptic I wrote.
For the record, I write stuff online but I don’t write everything. There are thoughts that are still residing in some corner of my cortex and are better left unwritten. Or unsaid for that matter.
So the next time you say “nice blog,” realize that you don’t know me completely. What you read is an abridged, watered-down version of my life. But feel free to judge me, however. After all, I used to make a living out of proving people wrong and correcting their mistakes.
***
There’s a light, a revelation
It shines with the thought of you
We made things so complicated
Now I see the simple truth