All I Want For Christmas...is CHRISTMAS

Today is Christmas and only yesterday did I get to feel it. I’ve been sarcastically exclaiming “So this is Christmas” ever since the partridge came to the pear tree. As with everything this 2012, most of the supposed big moments turn out to be non-events or worst…eventful (in the wrong sense of the word). Suffice to say, I want to calendar to change already so I can have a fresh start.

Got this as my iPhone wallpaper. So I get to feel a little more Christmas. 

Shopping for gifts was a blur this Christmas. I have to make time for it in my ever-busy schedule. And by make time, I have to transverse my four gift shopping destination in 2 days. And mind you, they are in the opposite sides of the metro. I shopped til I dropped…very literally. Frankly, I’m not so happy with my gift choices for some people. I didn’t have the luxury of time to buy them the perfect Christmas gift. Oh well, there’s always next Christmas and rest assured they call came from the heart (naks).

And it doesn’t end there. There is gift wrapping. It takes talent to do this and sadly, it’s not in my book of tricks. This year, my personal Santa who takes it upon herself to wrap my presents, is not available. So I had to shift to Plan B and just buy colored boxes or paper bags and tie them up with ribbons to give it a festive feel. And I have to thank St. Nick and those stores kind enough to offer paper bags for each item you bought (look Ma, no gift-wrapping!). 

Christmas for me usually starts when I have time to clean my room. This is a tradition I got from my Mom. We would have a general cleaning of the entire house as soon as Christmas break starts. The house will be all neat and tidy, with halls decked with boughs and holly. After all Santa will not enter a messy abode (yeah, right).

Two days ago I cleaned my small condo room. I realized I amassed a lot of stuff which just cluttered my already tiny space. I purged my closet (“cold climate” clothes will go home for a more permanent storage; work polos I haven’t used in the last 6 months to be passed-on to brothers and friends) and the make-shift pantry (I don’t need 4 plates and 4 mugs!). I plan to take out more and vow to live a minimalist life for the new year. Now if only there is a way to store magazines (I only started e-mags this year and only for selected titles since they don’t sell the back-issues for only 50 pesos).

Then for our Bulacan house, I bought shelves to organize the stuff in our garage and living room. Then only yesterday did we put up most of the Christmas decors. Here’s our cute arrangements for this year (thanks to a dear friend for these Christmas trinkets).

This Christmas I had to work until there is work, as compared to just going to the office to deliver gifts and clean-up my desk (yes, Christmas = clean ups) after the Christmas party. I had to do a recon and a telecon on the 22^nd (cue in Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas) And I have to send an urgent email on Christmas eve! Oh well. Moving on.

I have three simple wishes this Christmas:

1)   To be able to sleep for 8 hours, minimum. (which I did yesterday but in increments of 5.5 hours and 2.5 hours. I can live with that).

2)   To finish a good book. I wanted something Christmas-y but picked “The Fault In Our Stars.” I know it’s a sob story but Christmas is also about feeling and being alive. I need this since I’ve been a mundane robot the entire year.

3)   To have a better year for my all my love-ones and dear friends.

Dropping this quick blog to spread some cheers and joy this season. May this atmosphere of peace and warmth stay with us the entire year.

T’is the season to remember…

***

Dear Santa,

You know how I have been good this year. So thank you for all the blessings not just this Christmas but for the entire year. It has been a year full of Grinch-y moments but I still feel blessed. See, I’ve been good.

Just so you know, some people have been naughty. Please check your list twice. Your friend Karma often forgets them. I was hoping you will, also.

Sincerely,

The Little Barnieboi (pa ram pa pam pam)

***

Kidding…Merry Christmas y’all! :)

Mortality And The Infinite Lifetime

“Every day is one more step towards your grave.”

 I can’t remember where I read that but somehow it stuck. At the back of my mind, each day can be the last. I acquired this morbid perspective early in life. Blame it on my short dalliance with Anne Rice in college (for the uninformed: Anne Rice predates all the bloody vampire series of today. Before Kirsten Stewart’s lamb fell in love with the lion, there was Kristen Dunst who wants some more).

 Not that I am fascinated with death. I just see it as something tangible, inevitable and yes, accessible. Looking at the tombstone on my dad’s grave, I see that the name is just two letters different from my name. That’s how close I am to having my name on that tombstone.

Digging deeper, my morbid persona could be an aftershock of seeing my Mom fight for her life before I even turned 7. Or maybe it has to do with my high probability of dying from sudden unknown death syndrome (bangungot in vernacular, hemorrhagic pancreatitis in medical terms). They say only male Asians has this curse. I’m not kidding when I say I’ve experienced it countless times, to the point that I know what to do when it happens. So I’m familiar with the feeling of fighting for your life. How your mind screams for your body to not succumb. One time , I was too tired to fight it and conceded that that was it. So I just relaxed and just let it take me. Then it stopped and I woke up. And the rest is history in the making.

Growing up, I didn’t see myself as an adult in his twenties. I just don’t see the older version of me. Since I don’t have that vision, I honestly thought that I would die at a young age. Now, I’m in my early 30s and, as the Joni Mitchell song goes, I’ve seen life from both sides now. If I die tomorrow, it will be OK. I’ve seen beauty in as much as I’ve seen horrors in this world. I’ve seen some of my dreams come true and I’ve even been blessed with some not-in-my-wildest-dream moments that just blew me away. If my journey ends, then I’m happy with how far I’ve travelled. Maybe I took some wrong turns and some paths of thorns, but I always found my way back. And a better person at that.

 Our time in this world is finite. We are just a speck in this vast universe; we are just a blink in this great history of time. Some say procreation will guarantee survival. Hence, people think having a family and lineage is their only shot at immortality. I won’t argue with that, it makes sense.

But where does that leave me? I don’t plan on having a family of my own; I am happy with the family I have. Every time I would go thru that bangungot and still wake up, there’s no feeling of victory over the Grim Reaper. There’s only renewed hope and a small voice asking Why?. I know there has to be a reason. Maybe someone needs me, there’s still a purpose I have not served or there are still some dreams to be fulfilled.

So here I am at the prime of life. Or maybe just BEGINNING the prime of my life. I still don’t see myself as growing very old, like 50s old (but now I fear I have a Peter Pan complex). For now, I’m doing what I can to live that long. I take care of my body more than ever. Even if I have no bad vices that takes its toll on my body (except the occasional alcohol), I was not active before so my physical well-being was not ideal. The shift from sedentary to active lifestyle was quite hard (I had near-fainting spells when I was starting) but I now crave for that endorphin high. I go to the gym, I run, I eat right, I create my downtime. In terms of perspective, I’ve matured and have gone through endless paradigm shifts which led to an over-all optimistic view on life. I’ve somehow learned to ignore trivial things but I have yet to master dealing with Dementors. And if only I can manage my stress some more.

I realize as well that experience is not the best teacher. You’d think that you’d be wiser as you grow older. But the expectations are different. And the world is transforming right before our eyes so we have to catch up. Funny how I stared reading early but only recently did I discover the wonder of self-help and non-fiction books. I realize they are needed to feed the mind and expand the horizon. Currently I’m reading Delivering Happiness (by Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos) alongside No Time For Goodbye (whodunit thriller by Lincoln Barclay).

 Speaking of novels and dreams unrealized, I still want to pursue certain passions. Writing has always been my first love and I have this inkling for investigative writing. But after being relegated to the back burner, my prose and poetry has become rusty. I still would like to work on a book (fiction or a compilation of essays) or be part of an investigative team a la Rappler. This will be my shot at immortality and with this gift, my chance to make this world a better place. Likewise, I’ve had growing interest in photography and design so those are options as well.

Lots to do, and I want to believe I still have time. Life is indeed short. But never too short to not be able make the most of it. Life will kill you anyway, so just attack it.

***

"Dark angels follow me
Over a godless sea
Mountains of endless falling
For all my days remaining"
- Why Should I Cry For You? / Sting

***

 The title of this blog is actually a twist on The Smashing Pumpkins album Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness which spawned a personal favorite hit called 1979. I was born before that. :)

The Evolution Of My Shopping Cart

You know you have reached middle age when the contents of your shopping basket (or cart, for the online-savvy) has changed and you now find it filled with more practical and more “investment” items as compared to flights of fancy and hobby-driven items of yore. My current shopping cart has items that will help me either with work or the house (home, to be emotionally correct).

I remember for the most part of my early pubescent years, my extra allowance was spent on books. If there was 4Square back then, you will see how I frequent a lot of Booksale branches. I amassed enough books to build a small library and a lot of these books I didn’t even read. I read first those I borrowed. Then soon life got in the way. College life.

The discovery of teenage angst and the psychological shock that is UP Diliman set the symphony for my small-scale love for music that eventually came to a raging crescendo. My bookshelf was replaced by a CD rack. I’d be honest to admit I bought mostly pirated CDs back then. Those were the days of Referendum when pirated CDs weren’t cheap and they came with proper CD sleeves (with lyrics and all). I amassed a lot of CDs (oh and DVDs as well), enough to put up my own radio station. Unlike the aforementioned books, at least I enjoyed most of these CDs until they skipped from constant play. But again life got in the way. Work life. The CDs became background music and I was obsessed with numbers, powerpoints and people.

Fast forward to ten years later. Downloaded MP3 killed the CD buyer. Looking at my personal expense summary, the money remaining after utilities, rent, financial obligations now goes to clothes and home improvement stuff. People close to me know that when I’m stressed out, I usually resort retail therapy and clothes and home stuff are my weakness and strength. Clothes are more of tools of the trade, e.g. you have to look sharp at work. I’m partial to Euro-Brit style which is casual but rightly put up (layered without being overdressed). Laid back but classic. As offshoot of this layering, jacket and outers became my collection of sorts. But I make sure I only have one per type (hoodie, sporty-vintage, casual-leathery…you get it). I even stick to classic and neutral colors so I don’t have to buy a lot. Same goes for shoes. One per type (formal, loafer, sneakers) and stick with neutrals. Red boat shoes look nice but too risqué for me. And difficult to match without looking like you got lost on your way to a magazine photoshoot. For a guy, I have amassed quite a number of jackets, shoes and uhmmm...bags.

Being a proud bachelor, I managed to be very territorial and obsessive about my space. Lately, my new “hobby” has been home improvement stuff. At this age, I like going home to a comfy, organized and stress-free abode. I’m a fan of minimalist look and I want to make my room worthy of an Ikea catalogue feature. I don’t know where I got my penchant for Ikea. I just like their simple and uncluttered look and multi-purpose and space-saving ideas. Over the past year, I have collected a lot of Ikea items; mostly bought and some given by dear friends as gifts or hand-me-downs. During my last trip to Malaysia, my luggage back was half-filled with Ikea items. It was a feat to squeeze them into 2 luggage.

From browsing at home improvement magazines, I have learned that you have to unify the look of your room by limiting the colors. The theme of my small room is black-white-soft brown. Makes it bigger and less cluttered. I am now in search of a dual-purpose bedside drawer. With a lot of retailers opening in Manila, I do hope Ikea will be here soon. The Ikea stuff I buy here are from handlers and price are quite absurd. But again, they are my guilty pleasures. Yes, I know these are but perks of being single. Call me names and push your pro-family agenda on me and I’ll just smile. I like it this way and I see these as more reasons to stay unattached. Oh well, that would be another blog entry. For now, I need my bedside drawer. And a tapered casual pants in light khaki. *** Found this related photo that just made me smile:

New North

Watches and compasses. Two things that have fascinated me as a kid. It amazes me how something I can place in the palm of my hand can measure a concept as intangible and infinite as time and direction. I feel conflicting emotions in watching the arrow or the dial move. Like watching the seconds of my life pass me by. In slow motion.

I’ve always had this morbid view of life. I never thought I’d grow up to be in my late twenties. Let alone early thirties. So early on, I developed this habit of making the most out of everything. Taking each moment like it’s the last. But soon real life got in the way and I got overruled by deadlines and schedules. It became most of me.

Until I found a renewed drive.

Drive. Passion. Motivation. The things that keep you going despite the odds that are stacked against you. Those memories or small voices that push you to go the extra mile even if your physical self has abandoned you some miles back.

Some would call it good vibes or positive energy. Well, they all result to one thing: the achievement of set goals.

Yesterday I met someone who is at the prime of his life. Fame, fortune, to-die-for girlfriend…you name it, he has it. But the thing that made my jaw drop is how he was able to do all of it: a Mon-Sat day job and being able to pursue his passions (food blogging and triathlon, to name a few). Plus a social life that is the toast of tinsel town. Part of me is convinced he is a vampire and I even dared ask if he sleeps. He claims to be an OC in anything he does and just balances and find time to do everything. That simple? There must be an algorithm to that which is only apparent to the chosen few. And he is the leader of the pack. He should place multimasker in his multi-hypenate curriculum vitae.

If he can do it, maybe I can too. Let me rephrase that. If he can do it, so can I. How’s that for starters.

No more excuses. No more downtime mulling over what could have been and what’s not there. It’s time to make it happen. It’s never too late to abandon the sick cycle carousel and be somewhere off the beaten track. The path where dreams come true. It may be more difficult but if I’m passing by greener pastures, no doubt it will be worth it.

I have found my new North and I am re-aligning my compass.

100 Days Of Summer

Actually it’s only 90+ days but that is still way too long for me. There was a time when I loved summer. Back in HS, it meant days of not doing anything but summer reading and hanging out with friends. But come college, summer meant attending subjects you flunked or had to catch up on since you transferred courses (I had a taste of both). Some years back, summer meant a hot blabbermouth who’s being chased by a cool geek.

Now I hate it even more because of the heat! It just antagonizes my cold, cold heart (#emo).

At least there’s the Holy Week. Not that I’m deeply spiritual (far from it, actually). For me summer officially starts with this week when the entire country pauses and repents (why we are still Third World despite the abundance of resources). It’s the only season when you are allowed to not do anything (vs Christmas and the holi-daze it brings).

So today is Maundy Thursday (declared a holiday because of the confusion whether it’s Monday or a Thursday…so corny I know but I am a sucker for puns). I chose to be on house arrest/staycation and it has been quite satisfying and productive.

I’ve finished the Hunger Games book (tick one off the Summer Break checklist). It now holds the record for the book I finished fastest: only 2 weekends. It’s PBB meets Survivor so I devoured it like a famished tribute from District 12. Haha. I’ll admit I can relate to Peeta and though expected, it saddened me when Rue had to go.

Cleaned my room. Not yet the general cleaning that I want but it’s refreshing to see that I have a floor and no used mugs or clothes in sight. I believe that you don’t know what you got until... you clean your room.

Downloaded and read the latest issue of Esquire. Kudos to the local team for another great issue (Bianca is hot and that she is smart is like icing on a body part). I am getting a hang at reading e-mags. I can take it anywhere (long as I have Bokbok) and less clutter. I realized lately that I have tons of magazines that have taken over my room.

Slept. Though I woke up at an ungodly hour, the afternoon nap is a luxury in itself.

Did some work. I can never relax when a deadline or unanswered email is ticking somewhere.

Perhaps this is the only lazy day I can afford from this long vacation. I have lot of tasks at hand. My only consolation is that I can tackle them at my own sweet time.

Or can I?


*Originally posted at www.barnieboi.tumblr.com