Still

Sometimes, I catch myself letting you back in.

I don’t know if that is good or bad. Part of me knows I want it and I need it, more so now that I’m going through tough and crazy times. But part of me still hesitates, knowing that doing so would repeat the cycle of love-loss-hope. With you, I am always at war with myself.

Seeing you that Saturday afternoon made me realize what we had and what we lost. I knew I should have taken the chance and bridged the gap between yesterday and today. But truth to tell I was simply mesmerized. At the sight of you, all my logical thoughts just fly and I am reduced to a senseless fool.

I tried to find other ways to express it or explain it but I always come back to one simple truth: I miss being overwhelmed by you.

I miss sharing my life-changing moments with you. I remember how you helped me ace one of my coming-of-age moments. How you came running after such a short notice and how you waited patiently until I finally made my home run. Then you faded into the background so I can enjoy my limelight.

I miss how you make each red-letter day special. Especially Christmas. I never had a Christmas as merry and bright and as warm as when we had our own wonderland. I have to admit the memories of you torment me most when the cold wind starts to blow.

I miss having intellectual conversations with you and how we can talk about anything and everything. It helps that you like what I like and vice versa. And whatever it is that you or I do not like but the other does, we influenced each other until we are both so into it.

I miss how you understand my rants and just laugh off my sarcasm until my anger and angst dissipate. You calm the storm in my heart. I miss our banter and how you do not always agree with me and call out my mistakes. I realize also that I miss our fights, even the cold spells that lasted months. Yes they are awkward and agonizing but there is some comfort and beauty in the making up. It’s like falling again and doing everything for the first time.

I miss the version of me that can do anything when I’m with you. Until now, I cannot fathom how I was able to do the things I’m scared of, I’m ashamed of or would simply never do under normal circumstances. I never knew I was capable of those things until you happened. Because somehow you make it easy. And rewarding. I’d give or do anything for that smile of appreciation and that uninhibited hearty laugh of yours that not many people know you are capable of.

I remember the good... and the bad. I have never forgiven myself for that ill-fated episode some years back. By now, I hope you realize that the knife cuts both ways. And for what it’s worth, I got my karma and the shorter end of the stick: it took me forever to move on.

You are still my Patronus. When darkness and dementors are upon me, even a sliver of memory from our best times together is enough to cast a blinding light and suddenly I’m invincible.

The irony is that we have to quit something we never tried.

Eras have passed but one sad fact remains the same: there cannot be just the two of us. No matter how good we are for each other, there is a bigger world out there. As with anything in my life, reality always gets in the way. I was forced to see things the way they are and not the way I wish they would be. In as much as I want to fight for what we have, it will just be one battle after the other. Sure I can take that but I don’t want to subject you to that. You deserve much much more.

So this is me adoring you from a distance. This is safer for both of us, even if I will forever be haunted by the could-have-beens. Please don’t make it any more difficult for me. Don’t remind me of the things I am trying to forget.

There was a time when you were my power, my pleasure and my pain. And fact is, you still are.



***

You don’t have to say a word coz deep inside I already know
That you can’t keep holding on just because I can’t let go
I’ll be alright, try not to cry when you again walk out my life
Just leave me with a beautiful goodbye