Bleeding Darkness: THE BEST OF 2008

This is my token year-ender blog. I know some friends have been waiting for this.

But before that, here’s a recap of the Best of 2007.
Best Song: The Way I Are (Timbaland)
Best Album: Daughtry (self-titled)
Best Movie: Transformers
Best TV Show: Pinoy Big Brother Season 2 (Local), The Amazing Race Asia 2 (Foreign)

THE YEAR 2008 IN MUSIC, MOVIES AND SMALL TUBE

If I were to summarize the entertainment landscape for 2008 in one word, I’ll have to say GLOBALIZATION.

For music, the spotlight is back to mainstream (pop even). Very unlike the previous years (which were dominated by rap or alternative music), this year was a mish-mash of genres.

Producers even looked at the other side of the Atlantic shore and I’d say that British music achieved its overdue worldwide success this year. UK spawned the best new act for 2008 (Leona Lewis) and then capped the year with the legends...Coldplay and Radiohead.

On the US-front, the Top 40 became the permanent resident of the established rhythmic blues and rap acts; the likes of Li’l Wayne, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Rihanna, Chris Brown, Ne-yo and T.I.

T.I. had back to back #1 hits. Rihanna continues her chart success with the string of crossover #1s. Mariah nabbed her 18th #1, overtaking Elvis in the record for most #1s. Britney made a huge comeback as her song Womanizer made the almost- impossible record leap to #1 (from #96). Teen pop power is generated by the over-rated marketing gimmickry otherwise known as The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus. And some Taylor Swift and the Davids of American Idol.

On the local front, after two years of lording it over the charts, OPM music took the backseat. Maybe the fans grew tired of the endless remakes and lacklustre songs from the formerly formidable bands. But there were OPM artist who made news abroad. Arnel Pineda joined American band Journey but he has big shoes to fill. Charice Pempengco wowed the viewers of almost all the US talk shows and made it to the David Foster special alongside the likes of Josh Groban.

For movies, we still did not see the parade of blockbusters; unlike the time when we have Harry Potter and LOTR in the same year. In the wake of Heath Ledger’s death, The Dark Knight descended upon us and ran away as the year’s biggest hit and runner-up on the all-time box office chart (second only to the unsinkable Titanic). Before year-end, darkness again descended as vampire cult phenomenon Twilight sunk its teeth on millions of girls screaming for Edward, Jacob and Carlisle. Suddenly, vampire became the new magical wizard. Let’s not forget Mamma Mia! which sung its way from the curtains of Broadway to the silverscreen and generated the biggest soundtrack this year. I’ll never look at Meryll Streep and Colin Firth in the same way again.

Television gave another banner year for medical dramedies like House, Grey’s Anatomy and Dexter. Josh Swartz gave birth to Gossip Girl (the new O.C, bitch!). There was laughter through the depressing recession via 30 Rock, Californication, Entourage and Ugly Betty. On the local front, we saw local adaptations of foreign shows, including Koreanovelas and more reality shows (please spare us from a local Twilight).

So roll out the red carpet for the Best of 2008.

Of course, these are highly biased and subjective. Mock me if you want, but these are the songs and movies that defined my life in 2008.

BEST SONGS


There are a lot of great songs this year so I cannot narrow down the best to only 10. Hence, here are 20...and believe me I still had difficulty choosing them from my playlist.

1. Bleeding Love (Leona Lewis)
2. Forever (Chris Brown)
3. Bye Bye (Mariah Carey)
4. The Man Who Can’t Be Moved (The Script)
5. Apologize (Timbaland feat. OneRepublic)
6. That’s What You Get (Paramore)
7. Whatever It Takes (Lifehouse)
8. Take A Bow (Rihanna)
9. No Air (Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown)
10. Four Minutes (Madonna and Justin Timberlake)
11. Mad (Neyo)
12. Just Stand Up! (Artists Stand Up To Cancer)
13. Love Song (Sara Bareilles)
14. Viva La Vida (Coldplay)
15. With You (Chris Brown)
16. Decode (Paramore)
17. I Stay In Love (Mariah Carey)
18. Better In Time (Leona Lewis)
19. Energy (Keri Hilson)
20. Forget About Me (A Little Bit)

Most Played On iPod: Apologize (Timbaland/OneRepublic and OneRepublic/David Archuleta versions)
Personal Theme Song: That’s What You Get (Paramore)
Best Video: Four Minutes (Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake)
Best Dance Track: In The Ayer (Flo Rida) and Disturbia (Rihanna)
Best Wake-Up Song: Booty Music (Git Fresh)
Best Lyrics: The Man Who Can’t Be Moved (The Script)
Best Sampling: Bust It, Baby (Plies feat. Neyo) sampling Janet Jackson’s Come Back To Me
Most Irritating Song: Single Ladies (Beyonce)
Last Song Syndrome (LSS) Award: Womanizer (Britney Spears)
Best OPM Song (Original): Leap of Faith (Hale)
Best Remake: Another Goodbye Song (Van of PDA2)
Best OST: Twilight OST
Best New Acts: Leona Lewis, OneRepublic, The Script
Guilty Pleasure (Music): songs from The Ting Tings and Katy Perry

BEST ALBUMS


1. E=MC2 (Mariah Carey)
2. Who We Are (Lifehouse)
3. Spirit (Leona Lewis)
4. The Script (The Script)
5. OST - Twilight


BEST MOVIES

1. Twilight
2. The Dark Knight
3. Wall-E
4. Iron Man
5. A Very Special Love

Best Performance, Actress: Meryll Streep in Mamma Mia!
Best Performance, Actor: Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Best Performance, Supporting Role: Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight
Guilty Pleasure (Movie): High School Musical 3
Worst Movie: For The First Time


BEST TV SHOWS
1. ASAP ’08 (ABS-CBN)
2. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (AXN)
3. Anderson Cooper 360 and Christiane Amanpour Reports(CNN)
4. Executive Class (ANC)
5. Kalye (ABS-CBN)
6. Entourage (HBO)

Guilty Pleasure (TV): Banana Split and Eva Fonda (in short...Christine Reyes)

***

Here’s hoping that we will be more entertained in 2009.

Things To Look Out For in 2009

1. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (movie)
2. New Moon (movie)
3. New CD releases from Justin Timberlake, Mandy Moore, U2 and Mariah Carey
4. American Idol (beginning Jan 14)
5. Transformers 2
6. Cars 2
7. Tayong Dalawa (local soap)
8. more independent local films

Much Ado About Christmas

This supposedly long vacation, I was witness to the great circle of life. I attended a birth/baptism, a blessed union and a funeral.




THE BEGINNING


During my birthday, new mom Ving told me that I will be ninong to her firstborn David. She gave me the tentative date.

I almost forgot about it until on the early morning of December 21, Ving reminded me of the baptism. Good thing I didn’t plan anything for that day.

Ving requested that I bring my Mom, who she fondly referred to as Lola and David as her first apo. Which was A-ok for me so that she won’t pester me into giving her a grandchild soon.

After the church ceremony, we went to Ving’s house for the reception. I realize that I miss her house, which can easily double up as a resort (sans a pool). It was tucked in a sleepy town and the sprawling lot just bursts with foliage, like a hidden Eden. The air is always cool and crisps, even in summer and I remember that we used to have our lengthy talks under the canopy of those trees (see samples of my very amateur tree photography below).



I haven’t seen Ving since her wedding a year ago so we had a lot of catching up to do. Good thing we were able to sneak away from our Moms for the hush-hush talks. After I have updated her on my life status, Ving asked me to stay away from someone, and I don’t know if I have the strength to do that.

I also miss talking to Tita Tamar who is like my second Mom. She looks way better than the last time I saw her so I presumed she enjoyed being a doting Lola. Even Tito Al seems to have loosened up. Good work, David!

Ving's Lola barely recognized me; she said that I was all grown up. When I said my college name, she thought I was someone else. It was only when I used my name variation (that Ving calls me) did recognition dawn on her. What surprised me is that she remembered where I worked and asked if I brought a bag of Lay’s. I said, of course!

As always, we said a thousand goodbyes before we finally made it out of her house. And as before, my Mom has taken some plants and I am giving it about 4 months before it wilts from negligence (shhh...my Mom has far-from-green thumbs). I hope I will be wrong.





THE UNION

One of my best college buddies got married last December 27.

MM was my schoolmate since elementary but it was also during college when we got real close, especially when we were part of UP Lakan. We worked on a lot of projects for Lakan and her passion is very contagious. Plus we are both Yakalites, although I have a different circle when we were at Yakal.

In terms of social life (read: love life) we were part of that outside-looking-in group. We got linked to a lot of people but we never felt any pressure from it or perused to have a so-called S.O. As we always say, if may dumating, edi thank you; if wala, edi wala.

So I am really happy that MM has found somebody to spend the rest of her life with. Though I never got to meet Jonjon (I missed the sort of send-off get-together that our group gave for MM), I have gut feel that he is a great choice. Trust MM to make a smart choice after waiting all these years.

We never got to see each other often after college but MM is the friend-in-need type. I remember she fully supported my decision to look for another work in the middle of this year. She even sent me some prospects. It helps that she also wanted out from her work at that time. But to cut a long story short, we both ended up sticking to our jobs.

Though I am not there during the many get-togethers, I always make it a point to be there for my long-time friends to share their big life-changing moments.

Her wedding was simple and elegant. Very MM. Days before the wedding, Oda contacted me and said that I will be her co-emcee for the reception. And I have to keep mum about this coz this will be one of the many surprises for MM. For this, I got a huge, long hug from MM.

The reception held at C3 was informal in an enjoyable way. MM did not want any of the wedding clichés like bouquet toss or cake cutting. Guests really enjoyed the photo booth a la Hollywood red carpet. The father of the groom gave a superb toast that got the audience laughing and cheering. And a few tears were shed (MM will kill me for this). The groom was teary-eyed when her sisters and dad gave some words. MM shed buckets (ok, I’m kidding... just glassfuls) when her brother gave a very touching thank-you speech. Tissue, please!

MM’s little brothers (oh, they are not little anymore) provided some musical intermission. Chino played a Tagalog wedding classic on flute (I obviously forgot which song). Not to be outdone, Kim worked the piano. The song he played was eerily familiar…and then it hit me...it was Bella’s Lullaby from Twilight.

MM, just so you know... Oda and I never got to finish our food coz of our emcee task. So you owe us lunch! Haha!

MM and JonJon, I wish you a happy married life. I want you to be one of those people who will disprove that marriage is an institution that fails more than it succeeds. And that’s sincere; coming from a cynic like me.


THE GOODBYE

Sorry but this one will have a separate blog. I don’t have the heart to write this for now. The pain is still raw and I am just covering it with what little holiday cheer I can muster.

But our Christmas turned tragic (again) with the loss of Ama. He is my lola’s brother. Life in that old house of my childhood will never be the same again with him gone.

Part of me still wish this was a bad dream.

Hark, It's Christmas!

I know, I know.

It’s been weeks since my last blog. I have two words for you….Christmas madness! And I mean the good kind of madness.

I have tons of words and thoughts that have been gathering cobwebs in my mind. Expect the deluge of blogs this loooong Christmas break.

Anyway, wishing everyone a remarkable Christmas!

The Tale Of Two Tragedies

I just finished the latest Anita Shreve novel I bought. Consistent with other Shreve novels, this one leads you into a sobering yet intense emotional journey, this time in what may be the darkest travail of love and negligence. What is compelling here is that she weaves a contemporary family tragedy with a true story of a celebrated 1873 murder, creating an almost intolerable parallel crisis.

This is the most hauntingly disturbing Shreve novel I have read to date. You will be at a lost at what to feel after reading the finale. And since I have been quite exposed to her craft, I was able to guess the whodunit end-shocker that defines each of Shreve’s work. Still, it did hit me blind sighted by its scrumptious horror and confusing intensity.

The booked is called The Weight Of Water, the title of which serves as the inspiration to a introspective blog I wrote weeks ago.

Recession / Resistance

“The world is grappling with an economic crunch of epic proportions,” screams the daily news. Say that again?! Like the elusive SARS virus, the financial turmoil that is wrecking havoc on the G8-ish economies seems to be avoiding the Philippines. Ah...the upside of being third world (ok...”emerging economies”, to be politically correct, lest I get a verbal beating from AA).

There are a lot of proofs to this claim:

1. We went to Trinoma last November 29 (a payday/bonus day weekend). We arrived around 8PM and the mall is teeming with people, like it was a freaking Edsa rally! It took us ages before we found a parking space. Also we had to transfer to another dining place coz the first one was SRO. Seems like everyone has money to burn (and it does burn fast).

2. Starbucks (that sprouted all over the Metro like it is vying to be the next 7-Eleven) is still full of people. And everyone is still clamouring for that Starbucks planner.

(I was disappointed with Starbucks planner 2007 so I didn’t get their 2008. The new one is still so-so so I am not going the extra mile for that. But at least they replaced that awful Peppermint Mocha with a better one...Cherry Mocha. Truth to tell, I like the Coffee Bean notebook more than the over-rated Starbucks planner)

3. My brother asked me to drop by a fastfood on my way home. It took me frigging 20 minutes to get his food. The queue was of holocaust proportions! I almost snapped at the server: do you really call yourself a fastfood?

4. The must-have items are still iPhones, iPods, Macs, Havaianas and Crocs. Survey says the #1 item bought are still cellphone loads. And the most profitable items are premium vanity creams (Olay, Loreal, etc).

5. We still change phones like we change partners. Enough said.

November Reigns

FACT: The most brilliant people on earth were born on November…hehe, talk about self-promotion! But really, I know a lot of great people who were born on this uber-special month. I’ve studied the statistics and came to this rationale: nine months prior to November is February! So we are basically “love month” babies.

Please allow me to express my birthday greeting to these femme fatales:

THE VOICE

She is the “other” loudest voice that ever graced our department (PY being the original “The Voice”). And like Colbie Coillat, she added bubbly to our marketing fusion. She is a bundle of joy and dynamite laughter but she does have her saccharine moments.

Thanks for all the laugh trips, the jologs and asar moments and of course, for all the work-related help. Sorry if sometimes you are at the receiving end of my “MMK, Lucifer” moments (sing it now...I’m just a little bossy!). It’s all in a day’s work. I really appreciate everything, it’s just that I am bruised and jaded (told you...mapapagod ka lang).

Happy 21st, AD…aka Bettyful.




THE FUNSHINE

Looking back, I don’t remember how we became connected. It feels like one time, we just hit it off. I am drawn to her easy smile and the child-like demeanour that conceals the strength within.

She has been with me through the best and worst of my Benby times (for worst, I mean the Dark SAP Ages). With her, I can be myself, sans the pretences that breath “life” to our inert workplace. She has seen me at my lowest (the passed-out-on-the-kitchen-floor moments) and my bleeding moments (something only we know) and she never saw me as a lesser being, unlike our so-called “real” friends.

She is one of the few people who kept their candles burning for me when I faced those mighty winds. During those times when I want to succumb to the Dementors, my patronus is that I just remember how she laughed and shook it off. And I can never thank her enough for that.

I can give you a list on how great a person you are, but it will be endless. Stay true and stay strong, my Funshine Bear (aka Hermione).


THE SNOB

I’ve known her since she was crowned the smartest girl in our elementary school. So from the snobby dictionary-thumping girl, I’ve watched her grow into one fine lass (albeit still a little snobby).

What more can I say...our friendship has weathered what odds were thrown at us. Despite leading separate lives, we are somehow anchored by a constructive past. Even if we don’t see each other in months, it seems only yesterday when we do meet. How’s that for friends forever.

Whenever I feel down, I just reminisce about our adventures during summer vacation. Those were the best childhood memories I have (before I was hesitantly ushered into adulthood). And I will not be this eloquent a writer if you guys have not shown me the magic of ink and paper.

I wish that one thing you wish...a Sun Cellular SIM...hahaha. Continue seeing life through Rose-colored lenses.

The Big Three-Zero (Part 2)

I am blogging my birthday celebration weeks late. The week following my birthday was unfortunately the (hopefully) last stressful day of the year...the final business review/annual planning. As I told CF and AT, this was Astoria multiplied a hundredfold! And as AD would say, ang stress ko lampas tao na!

But I digress; back to my birthday. Sorry if I let go of my trademark pensive mood for a second and revel in the blissful sentimentality of the moment.

A day prior to the big day, I was out on an all-day meeting so my presence was not felt at the office. By nightfall I found myself in Trinoma and I met up with CD to get something. We went around for a little shopping and had a pre-birthday dinner. We even bumped into PY who was on leave that day.

I went home and though I was anticipating some 12:01 messages, my body succumbed to the bliss of sleep.

I woke up with a start at 6AM. True enough both of my cellphones were overloaded with messages. I hastily replied to them and dressed for work. The phones were beeping every other minute so it took me longer than usual to be on the road.

I finally arrived at the office.

The sign at the door was expected. The chorus of greetings when I entered was expected. What I didn’t expect was the wall plastered with HAPPY BIRTHDAY in huge letters. It looks like a nursery school wall and it felt like my 7th birthday, minus the hat, confetti and boisterous classmates.

By the end of the day, BA and I went out to buy some food. MM was supposed to go with me but he conveniently disappeared. Later, MM will reveal that he went out with PY (cue in some teasing sounds) to get the pre-ordered cake, which was part of their surprise. The cake was so good that it was the first item to disappear on the table.

The cake has the numbers 30, 25 and 23 (the other two for CD and J). After the customary song, I quickly blew candle #25, much to the exasperation of CD who ended up blowing #30.

Then came another surprise courtesy of AD (obviously hers). It was an audiovisual presentation, a montage of sorts which started with the snippets of a celebrity (haha) and then a spectacle of pictures capturing the best of the recent moments. Thanks, AD! I know you went to great pains to pull that off. I just hope you enjoyed our birthday surprise to you as much.

My marketing family gave me a really cool shirt from Z. I loved it so much that I wore it the next day, sans washing. Good thing they got the size right.

Sorry for the self-promotion (it’s my birthday naman) but here are the messages that are worth immortalizing:

"Happy happy birthday. All the best and find joy in everyday and everything" - Name Withheld (the meaning is not in the message but in the sender, per se)

"Luv yah, Beej! We both know it doesn’t show but we both know it’s true. You are a dear, dear friend; part of my core being. I’m teary-eyed right now. It’s my deep desire for you to be part of my family which will happen when you become ninong to my firstborn. Bonus for me na pareho kayong November ang birthday." – from VDL (who just became a mom)

"Happy Birthday! I've noticed (not only me pala pati ibang tao) that you're back in the saddle again!" – Name Withheld

"You are one of most selfless and clever person I know. Hope this day will turn out to be one of your best!" – from R

"Sana ngayong birthday mo, mabawasan na ang mga Maribeth moments" – from P

"Super happy ako that I’m part of your celebration. You’re such a great mentor and a friend...plus a brother, hehe. All the best." – from C

"I’m glad to see you happier these past few months. Dapat lang noh!" – from B. The “happier” part was encircled by M with a comment: “True, so true” and then seconded by J with “Tama!”

"Thanks for guiding me in whatever question I may ask about work and life. Hope you will be happy always, as if it was your birthday." – from J

"Pinag-pray kita kay Papa Jezaz for good health and happiness. Thanks for everything, lolo!" – from L

"Hope you find your special someone na kasi you’re not getting any younger (re-iterate pa daw!) and para mas happier ka na" – from R

"Before the day ends, I want to wish you true happiness. Remember that happiness should not be dependent on anyone else. Happy birthday" – Name Withheld

"Happy bday! Oops, sori na-text brigade ko ito sa lahat. CC: GMA" – from T

"30 ka na! Settle down!" – follow-up from T


***

Last November 10, I had an advance birthday celebration with my elementary barkada (advance because R had to leave for Macau for her birthday... lucky you!). Despite my incessant plea not to inform the staff that it was my birthday, the cake they bought was a dead giveaway. So I ended up with a silly hat on my head and the staff singing happy birthday, much to my chagrin. Good thing it was late Monday night so there were only a few people around. Thanks for the fun and laughter, guys!

The weekend of my birthday was reserved for my family. We (minus my workaholic sister) spent time somewhere south. It was pretty tiring coz I was at the wheel most of the time but it was all worth the while.

Some shoutouts also to F who went to great lengths to give me and C some birthday surprises. Also to RL who returned from her hiatus to celebrate my birthday. Sana birthday ko everyday if that will be the reason for you to come back, hehe.

Finally, my shoutouts to MB who has become a tad jealous of the personalities that thrive on my blogs (kidding!). Hey buddy, you have been with me through Scylla and through Charybdis. We have proven that trust and true friendship transcends distance. I know I don’t say it much but you are one of the few reasons I am still here. Though you are miles away, your warmth feels like you are just at arm’s length and your presence is never too far...especially when I needed it most. You are one of the most understanding people that I ever allowed to penetrate my crumbling walls.

So there. This is probably my best birthday ever. If this is a sign of things to come, then life does begin at 30.


***

I could not have chosen a better birthday song. We have this tradition of appointing the #1 song on Billboard Hot 100 on your birthdat week as your theme song for the year to come. Mine this time is Live Your Life (T.I. feat Rihanna).

And yes, I certainly will.

The Big Three-Zero (Part 1)

When asked what my birthday wish is, I immediately answer...”world peace.”

But I have thought about this and of course I won’t say it here. It’s between me and the auspicious birthday candle. I have one major, one minor wish. The major wish involves a life-changing decision. The minor wish is a smoothening out in one dimension.

***




Thanks to all the people who have been sending birthday wishes...since October! I don’t know who started the trend but greeting a person at 12:01AM of his birthday is really saccharine. So sorry I had dozed off by then.

Of the flood of pre-emptive messages, I remember those of MM and BM. MM’s is gently sarcastic (joke lang!) while BM’s teems with apologetic sincerity.

Anyway, I have a radar for sincerity. I would know if a simple “happy bday, bday boi” is earnest... or French for “I had to greet you just for the sake of.” (Sorry, but there is no respite from bitchiness even on my birthday).

The best birthday message I received came from another B (through YM):

B: you there?
Me: yes, bro
B: how does it feel 2 days from now?
Me: more pressure lang...to be more mature and take all the shit
B: some shits are good. read all ur blogs already. I'm happy somehow u got over some of the bad stuff. Anyway, just want to greet you in advance...Happy Birthday! to one of the best persons i've known. that’s sincere.
Me: thanks bro. i can forget all that's been said and done by others. as long as i am on the good side of the people who matters. people like you.
B: I appreciate ur friendship, bro.

The most creative one came for SA, also through YM and inspired by the Morning Rush Hot 10. I already got her copyright to publish this on my blog. So here goes:

10 REASONS TO CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY

10. Syempre, may magpapakain mamaya...
9. Another year to enjoy life...
8. Another chance to make up for previous (lousy?) year/s
7. Another year to be wiser, hopefully, nicer too…
6. It’s that once a year chance to sneak a hug and kiss from the untouchable bday boi...
5. You’re still alive… It’s enough reason for YOU to celebrate.. Right?!
4. No crap today... ALL people are supposed to be nice to you on your birthday. Next day they’ll be back to normal...
3. Another year to do the job you LOVE, and work with people you LIKE… day in, day out... (sarcastic ba?)
2. Another year to spend with your wonderfully great friends….. (that’s us!)
And the top on the list:
1. You’re another year older… That means you’re still older than me!

Bonus entry: More blogs, more books, more Flat Tops for us…. Hehe. It’s your bday, bawal magsungit!!!

***


My birthday wishes to CD who is celebrating her birthday a day after mine. Sorry for suffering the tailend of my festivities. Joke!

Kidding aside, I wish you all the best (especially where we Scorpios are cursed at…you know….the “L” word). We’ve had a lot of meaningful chinwags and you’ve been quite a revelation. Thanks for the warmth and for putting up with all the facets of my work and off-work personality. In the short span of time that I’ve known you, I am surprised by our level of connection and life parallelisms (damn Scorpio curse). I am looking forward to more days of stress (pauso ni Hagrid to!), bickering, ruckus and hilarity, sentimentality and cerebral moments.

Happy birthday, baby! (said in an OMC tone…hahaha!)

Fragments #1

Writer's Note: The Fragment series now replaces Hodgepodge. These are bits and pieces of musing, information and anything that comes to my polluted mind, that deserves to be immortalized in blogosphere.

***

A week after I blogged about the unreleased tracks that I have discovered, my dear cousin told me that she heard I Stay In Love on the radio. True enough, I checked MC’s official website and there it was “Mariah Announces I Stay In Love As Her Third Single.”

The video was directed by hubby Nick Cannon. I’ve seen it on youTube and though it was classy and sexy, it borrows heavily from the video of Breakdown (one of Carey’s most memorable songs) and Don’t Forget About Us. Still, I can’t erase the beautiful sight of MC driving in a lonely highway in all her black-and-white glory.




***

I have this personal curse that my bet in a competition always ends up as just the runner up. And this happens every time I campaign heavily about my bet, be it vocally or blogwise.

Classic examples will be the Frat Boys in Amazing Race 8, Mark and Rovilson in TARA2, Elliot Yamin and Chris Daughtry in American Idol, Bye Bye as a sure 19th Number One for MC and Al Gore in the last ill-fated US elections.

So I pretended I didn’t care about the recent US elections even if the downfall of the US economy spells worldwide doom (one of the saddest realities of life, right?). But at the back of my mind I was rooting for Obama and dismissing McCain as another Bush clone.

And holy five cows… Obama won in a historic landslide victory! Finally, we see the dove in the Pandora’s box full of Bush’s faux pas.




***

Last week I heard that Michael Crichton passed away. I checked yahoo but news on his demise was immediately overshadowed by all the US election hullabaloos.

You may not know who Crichton is but you surely know his works and contributions to pop culture. He is the creator of Jurassic Park (altogether now…Ah sya ba yun?!). Congo. Disclosure. E.R. (the groundbreaking TV show that predates the Grey’s Anatomy of this generation).

I remember back in the early 90’s, we have this circle of friends/reading group composed of five people. Usually three of us would gravitate towards one author and the other two would totally snub that author. I was part of the Michael Crichton trio.

I initially didn’t pick Jurassic Park (the novel) as it was too textbook-ish for my reading pleasure. All because it has data printouts and computer screen captures! But once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. I was surprised at how it was so comprehensible and so accessible. It was one of the best literary escapes I had experienced. For a while there, my sad world disappeared and I was in Crichton’s world.

And who can forget the heavy emotional turmoil and stifling tension of Disclosure. Sadly, pop history credits Demi Moore and Michael Douglas for Disclosure, because of their strong performances in the movie. As always, the writer takes the backstage.

Like the dinosaurs he immortalized in Jurassic Park, Crichton’s legacy will surely fascinate this and many generations to come.




***

Everyone knows that Men’s Health has become my bible of sorts. Men’s Health is far from joking when they claim that it has HUNDREDS of useful tips per issue.

Just sharing some useful nuggets of wisdom from the recent issue.

* If something’s beyond your control, why worry about it?
* If beer tastes bitter, it means you’re happy and problem-free. Otherwise, it tastes sweet. Drinking ‘til the beer tastes bitter won’t help.
* If you think you need help, you sure do.
* If you fall hard, bounce back harder, and swing back at the one that put you down hardest.
* If a deal sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
* Great things are accomplished by cooler heads in the midst of a battle.
* If you can dish it, make sure you can take it. Sometimes, with interest.
* If you fear dying, then you are already dead.
* Contrary to popular belief, you need sleep if you want to lose weight. Lack of shut-eye may disrupt the hormones that control you ability to burn fat.





***

Just a tip for those who have iPods or iPhones: as much as possible, try charging through a wall electrical outlet and not through your laptops. My first iPod’s battery got busted because (as Apple said) I was always charging through the laptop…which is true. This charging is already “secondary” (the charge from the laptop is transferred to the iPod) and it ultimately shortened the battery life of my iPod.


***
Here are some pop factoids that I recently discovered or are back in season:

- The vocalist of band-of-the-moment The Script is the vocalist of that second-rate boyband called Mytown. I only know one MyTown hit...Now That I Found You. But the icky part is we have a Mytown CD at home (remnants of the pop explosion in the early 90’s that spawned the boybands and the blond divettes).

BEFORE:



AFTER:





- Where Are You Christmas?, the theme from The Grinch, is composed by Mariah Carey but interpreted by Faith Hill. Rumor has it that erstwhile husband Tommy Motolla did not allow MC to record her song. How Grinch-y!

- Have you seen the live video for Just Stand Up? It’s the charity song in support of cancer which brings together the top female acts from this generation (unfortunately, it included Miley Cyrus who single-handedly ruins the song). Now, who is in the video but is not on the recorded track (studio version)? Answer: Sheryl Crow sings in the track but is replaced by Nicole Scherzinger in the video. Don’t ask me why. [My funny imagination thinks that Nicole went to the producer and says…My name is (slight pause)...Nicole”]

***
Last Thursday’s Hot 10 in Chico and Delamar’s Morning Rush features the Hot 10 Invented Jokes. I was laughing through the skin of my teeth at the corniness and hilarity of some of the jokes. It’s not yet posted on Chico’s blog but here’s what I remember:

- Q: What is the first name of Janno? A: Edumann
- Q: What is the surname of Dulce? A: Enggabanna
- Q: How do you win a nurse’s heart? A: Just be patient (said in a tagalog twang…pey-shent)
- Q: What did the fart say to the sanitary napkin? A: I am the wind beneath your wings.
- Q: Bakit hindi pwede magsuot ng maroon ang maiitim? A: Kasi baka pag nagpunta ka sa Quaipo, buhatin ka ng mga tao at iprusisyon.- Q: Ano ang sabi ng sad na medyas? A: Life socks.
- An apple inside a ref said: Nyiiii…ang lamig naman dito. The orange said: Nyiiii…yung apple nagsa-salita! (Shame on the sender…this is an old American joke and was even featured in a survey of the most hilarious US jokes)

Talking about jokes, here are the jokes that never fails to cheer me up when I remember them:

This is one of the best jokes I’ve heard:

A cono girl was asked: what is the difference between a penis and a camote.
The cono girl answered: Yuck, I don’t eat camote!


And I don’t know why but I find the caterpillar/centipede jokes highly amusing.

Joke 1: Galit na galit ang tatay na centipede dahil hindi pa umaalis ang anak nya na pinapabili nya sa tindahan. The anak na centipede said: “Haller, nagchi-chinelas pa ako!”

Joke 2: Bakit nagalit ang tatay na centipede sa anak na centipede? Sagot: Kasi nagpapabili sya ng sapatos sa tatay nya.
E bakit natakot ang anak na centipede sa tatay na centipede? Sagot: Kasi sabi ng tatay na centipede: “Gusto mong tadyakan kita?”

Joke 3: Bakit ginabi ng uwi ang anak na centipede galing sa nursery school, na ikinagalit ng tatay nito? Sagot: Pinakanta daw sya ng “I have two hands, the left and the right…the left and the right…the left and the right…”

"Thirty"

I ran to the cemetery
I saw the crumbling tombstones, the forgotten names
I tasted the rain, I tasted the tears
I cursed the angels, I tasted my fears
And the ground gave way beneath my feet
And the earth took me in her arms
Leaves covered my face, ants march across my back
The black sky opened up, blinding me
I ran and I ran
I was looking for me

- Lifted from Ray of Light

***

In journalism, we usually write “30” or the number sign (#) at the end of an article to indicate the end… that nothing follows.

In a week’s time, I will turn 30. It is an age that I thought would be elusive to me. If you asked me a decade ago where I see myself when I turn 30, I will tell you point blank that I would die before I reach 30. That’s how morbid I was back then (and I only have Anne Rice to blame). I really can’t see myself this, well...old.

In a week’s time, I will be 30. And in writing this, I am saying that a part of me is OFFICIALLY DEAD.

Since the latter part of last year, I felt that I was a ticking time bomb. And though a small voice was already telling me to shift gears, I threw my caution to the winds and seized the moments as they came. So in no time at all, I was shattering.

Anyway, that was so yesterday. Here I am, entering a new chapter of my existence. A part of me has died, if only to give way to something better, more resilient and sprucely taciturn. The blueprint is clearer than ever and the stains of the past have become mere watermarks. I face this new epoch with a newfound wisdom and a thirst to live the life.

I realized this while staring at the tombstone on my father’s grave. The engraved name almost reads like my name, if not for two different letters. Maybe sooner, maybe later those two letters will change to reveal my name. And before that happens, I should have found the meaning to my existence. While I still have the time, I have to make the mark that will render me “immortal” . I can still right my wrongs and, with the lessons tucked under my belt, LIVE in cautious optimism. Why stress about my past when the future hold so much promise?

At 30, I am dusting it off and waiting for my real life to begin.


***

Last Friday was the start of my birthday celebration and I hooked up with one of the few “real” friends I have. We’ve had this strange connection since we crossed paths about four years ago. Our stories are so remarkably parallel that we usually end up bonking each other in the head just to knock some sense into our troubled minds.

In A, I saw my story from another perspective. She articulated the bitter truths and the personal lapses that I have come to realize lately. Underneath her expletives (at how I turned myself into a dimwit), her words of enlightenment and advice filled out the final pieces of my unsettling puzzle. And though the individual pieces of my puzzle are horrible, I was now able to stand back and realize the CLARITY in the total picture.

Thanks to A, my self-appointed talent manager and confidant extraordinaire.

***

If you don't know me at this point, then I really doubt you ever will.

Another Place, Another Time

Footprints in the sand
Colors are fading fast
Will the memories last
From far away?


***

It’s funny how a single object or a single incident can trigger distant memories to come flooding back. Of a time and place that is so far away. Tragic reminders of what used to be and what was swept under rugs.

Of how I gave myself away to a world that didn’t want it anyway.

The buildings know your names and they confront me with a tinge of mockery. But now I have the strength to scoff at their facades. They are mere steel-and-stone reminders that I don’t know anyone anymore.

Strange faces ask where you are but they fall on my deaf ears. Maybe that’s what you get when you hear too often the sound of reality crashing and bridges burning.

I accidentally see the pictures and they have lost their soul. They are just frozen slices of time that burns in triviality and severance.

Though the déjà vu can be irresistible, what’s more exhilarating is that I can go back and not feel anything. No remorse. No regret. No laughter. No anything. It’s like a visiting a lucid past from the third perspective... outside looking in.

So this is how moving on feels. Cathartic in a cold, self-seeking way.

I have come full circle. I sought redemption where I fell and found it. Now I just smile slyly at how my emancipation spells discomfiture for the so-called dementors. Hail to the incorrigible laws of nature.

The end is where I begin. Now I am alive and the ghosts are gone. Stand back… phoenix has risen (again) from the ashes.

***

So what will you say to me
If you can talk to me
You can ask anything, I will oblige
But you’re okay with this damaging awkwardness
So I’ll just play it safe
Keep it inside

Me, Myself and Serenity

After the hurly-burly of our Business Review week comes the delicious meltdown...joke, I mean SLOW DOWN (to the unfamiliar, our world revolves around acing the BR presentation during this week). The calmness after the storm.

I’ve been waiting for this moment. I’ve made plans...or to be more precise, I didn’t make plans. I unconsciously freed myself from any weekend getaways, family obligations or the shadows of my work. I haven’t been this “vacant” in a long time.

My weekend bag is packed. The Do-Not-Disturb mask is in mint condition.

I have downloaded the latest Keane CD so I can just soak in their tuneful lamentations and sarcastic world-weariness. I have also retrieved the OST of Garden State. Music in between dreams.

I have queued two DVDs that I have longed to watch in long time. One is a light romantic drama similar to How I Met Your Mother, which was highly recommended by a colleague. Maybe, I will definitely watch it (there goes your clue). The other is an Academy Award-winning sardonic drama revolving around a teenage pregnancy... and witty verbal intercourse.

If time will be so kind, then I will also breeze through the pages of the latest Anita Shreve novel I bought. Shreve’s sombre prose is sure to quiet what rage is inside of me.

The old me is back, the one that is wary of social encounters. It’s just me and my escapist multi-media allies, languishing in my safe, make-believe bubble.

So excuse me while I go vegetate.


***

To the “unfeeling”, don’t push me to spell it out for you. I will go where I want to and I will volunteer myself if I want to. And there are many things I don’t want anymore. Once bitten, twice shy. So I really hope you will get it.

Go practice your wretched enchantments on someone else. I have paid the price and I’m still paying for it every day.

I stand still because I have work to do. Operative word: WORK. I’m not here for anything ELSE.

I choose my own battles. Same as I choose my own perimeter. You already gave me a convincing portrayal of your beloved insignificance. Clap, clap.


***

I’ve been gifted with the gut feel to judge characters accurately. Within seconds of the initial meeting, I will know if a person is worth the trouble and the investment. Maybe I am psychic and I can read one’s character aura, if ever there is one. Believe me, there are people whose aura screams “caution,” like that ominous warnings on poison bottles.

I’ve made the mistake of stepping within striking distance of these ominous auras. I silenced that trusty voice inside and listened to the betraying voice of compassion. Yeah, shame on me.

I can look you straight in the eye (because I did you no wrong) and I just laugh inwardly at how you retreat like a shrinking violet. I have never seen GUILT so tangible and so obvious.

Cheers...to the NOTHING that you are.


***

Photo courtesy of Carminico on Flickr.

The Weight Of Water

I am one of those people who feel happy when it rains. Part of me thinks the rains will wash down the putrid taste of my blunders and make the world new again. Unconsciously, I will dangle my arms out and feel the cleansing droplets.

Water off the duck’s back. I’ve loved that expression since I was a child. A lesson in being invincible and impervious.

Sometimes I think if I play the sad song often enough, then I will be wary of the melodic sting it brings. If I tell the story often enough, then it will ease the hurt and make the words slide down my arms and away from me like rainwater.

As the heavens open, I let go of my pain and let it fall like rain from my eyes.

Bridge Over Poignant Waters

I’ve read countless books. I started reading early, during fourth grade. It was the awkward “limbo” grade, where nothing really happened. It was probably my most boring school year so I found myself one day in the dark corridors of our library.

I remember our library then was at the back of the huge stage (the Broadway-type one with heavy curtains) fronting our quadrangle. My elementary school is home to a lot of other-worldly ghost stories (kaya nga may SPIRIT sa name...joke) and being in that dark, musty library gives you the literal and figurative chills. It was like entering a huge cellar or dungeon and half the time I have to check to see if there are still people around...real people.

Being a reading neophyte, I pulled out a fairy tale compilation book (go easy on the chuckles…I was in fourth grade!). It was as huge as a one-half-size illustration board. I remember lugging it from the library to my school service. I cringe now remembering how silly I might have looked back then.

The rest as they say… is “pages and pages” of history. My love for print soon escalated to almost-addiction. By sixth grade I have ravished all the hardbound Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books in our new library (our school moved to a new location when I was in fifth grade). My name became famous for being the most-seen name on the borrower’s card pasted at the back of the books. And it became no surprise that after school, I became a regular at our now well-lit-by-sunshine library as a student-librarian (a.k.a Book Lovers Club member).

From fairy tales, I’ve moved to more mature books...the thick bestsellers. Sidney Sheldon. Stephen King. John Grisham. Nicholas Sparks. Patricia Cornwell. Anita Shreve. Yes, even Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts. You name it, chances are I’ve read it. My extra allowance was spent on books and soon I had my own private mini library. But the weird part is that I seldom read the books I buy. I read the ones I borrow.

Like people, there are books that forever change the way you see things. And there are books that pull you in its own vortex of swirling emotions. Until your heart bleeds. I am man enough to admit that there are two books that have made me cry.

This Saturday, I was wandering into a bargain bookstore. Then I saw "it". I reached for it and gingerly touched its hardbound cover. Without looking, I can still remember what the cover looks like. But seeing it again I was transported back in time, and the emotions I felt while reading it came rushing back. I stand there, sober and melancholic for some time.

The book is only 171-pages long but the poignant story transcends a lifetime. What took me aback was that the story was rather simple; it’s something you can read from a standard Mills & Boon novel. But there is a surreal power in the story that really tugs at your heartstrings. The characters were so real and their dilemma was so excruciatingly simple and deliciously tragic that you end up wishing things have been different for them. Their loss became your loss.

Call me sappy. But the love atheist in me somehow succumbed to the sentimental beauty of this novel.

The book is called The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller. And yes, I did buy it... again.




***

He stood there and stared. Neither of them moved, they already had said goodbye. For thirty seconds he stood there, his photographer’s eyes missing nothing, making their own image that he would never lose.

He closed the door, ground the gears, and was crying again as he turned left on the country road toward Winterset. He looked back just before a grove of trees would block his view and saw her sitting cross-legged in the dust where the lane began, her head in her hands.


***

P.S. Because of my inner connection with this book, I refused to watch the movie version even if starred the great Meryll Streep and Clint Eastwood. I believe no one can do justice to a book this powerful.

And I tried reading other Robert James Waller novels but nothing came close. Everything paled compared to this.

In my bucket list, I want to write a book this earnest. In a world full of digital dreams and where relationships are downloaded and deleted by a mere touch of a fingertip, it’s nice to go back to a more basic tragedy: the meeting of destined souls no matter what the odds are and the search for that ever-elusive belongingness.

Superhuman

A few months back, I was “human”, in almost every sense of the word. I succumbed to unapologetic flaws… to frailty… to faultless compassion… and to nondescript sociability. I had that impeccable understanding of human nature. I became fluid where I was once impenetrable. I tried living for the moment. All in the spirit of keeping it REAL.

But I learned a little too late that REALITY is an unforgiving, backstabbing and cold-hearted bitch.

So now I am back to my semi-former self (I want to put “former self” here but TP would disagree with me). I am again a… Wall-E. The comforting barrier is again up and the person I was recently has retreated to that bittersweet place only I know and understand.

I have rediscovered my Scorpio personality, most notably that eye-for-an-eye mentality (and yes, this serves as a threat…beware the wrath of angels). I have engaged in one too many stoic, one-sided conversations. I have attended one too many Tupperware parties, if you know what I mean. THEY WANT GAME, THEN I’VE GOT GAME. Garbage in, garbage out.

Call me ruthless, call me insensitive. But I won’t be the suffering stupid anymore. With me, you get what you deserve. As simple as that. I am not playing god, I am just reflecting pieces of you.

Maybe it’s better this way.

Am I happy? Well, I have always believed that happiness is a choice. You can be happy in any circumstance. I can find happiness in being this “invincible.” From human, I am now superhuman (insert cruel laughter here).

***

I’ve given up hope
Losing the faith that life
Could be mine to treasure
And now nothing’s the same
I found myself reborn
Coz the truths I used to hold
Have changed

Hodgepodge (Early October)

THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR (LATELY)

1. Wifi – one of God’s gift to tech-whore and workaholics like me
2. the Notes option on my phone – the next best thing to Post-its (for OCs like me).
3. Weekends with nothing urgent to do...just chillax (as A would call it). I usually start weekends like this by cleaning the room that I have neglected for the week (read: empty bottles here and there) and cap it off by blogging.
4. Flavored Water (Propel and Vitwater) – I know it’s weird but I just can’t drink flat out water (especially straight from the fridge). With flavored water, I can finally meet my liquid requirement for the day.
5. Spontaneous getaway for the weekend – better than those planned ones that don’t push through because of conflicting schedules.

***

RELEASE ME

Being a self-confessed music enthusiast, I have developed the uncanny ability to decipher a potential hit from a newly released album (of course, other than the carrier single). Friends, who have asked for burned copies of the songs I am playing, are surprised that some of those songs have not even been released in commercial radio/video channels.

Here are my recent discoveries. Download them before it gets released and jolog-ized by pop radio.

1. I Stay In Love (Mariah Carey, E=MC2 album) – should have been MC’s third single instead of I’ll Be Loving U Long Time. Here’s hoping she is saving this mid-tempo jewel to create buzz in time for Grammy nominations in November.
2. Latest Mistake (Mandy Moore, Wild Hope album) – the sweetest self-deprecating heartbreak song
3. The Best You Never Had (Leona Lewis, Spirit Album) – a killer it’s-your-loss-not-mine heartbreak song
4. Lesson Learned (Alicia Keys feat. John Mayer, As I Am album) – as earnest as Goodbye, another unreleased winning track from her debut album
5. What About Now (Daughtry) – I already handpicked this track since I first listened to their debut album. Now, they have officially made this their fourth single
6. Stupid For You (Marie Digby, Unfold album)

***

REVIEW CAPSULE

Winner:

The modern dance interpretation of Bleeding Love in ASAP ’08 about two weekends ago. It was refreshing in a jaw-dropping way. It was only ruined by the occasional misstep of Toni Gonzaga.

As of presstime, this has been imitated by that trying-hard-copy-cat rival show from the other network. As per C, the results were “super pangit.” Well, what can you expect from THAT show (SOP Sucks...hahaha)

Loser:

For The First Time. I have always applauded Star Cinema for walking the fine line between substance and commercial viability. For the first time... Star Cinema made a movie that is cringing in its blandness. I almost walked out of the cinema. When the movie lost its footing (around the time when the coosome twosome failed to settle their differences in Greece), it never recovered. The disasters just kept on coming: the family dilemma was so forced (unlike in A Very Special Love), Philip Salvador’s acting is so bad and only Candy Pangilinan and her unknown partner had some acting mettle. Given that the two leads only have beautiful faces to redeem their lacklustre acting, the movie should have been saved by a good script/plot. Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of Maalaala Mo Kaya (or even Your Song) episodes that are way better than this horrendous movie.

***

Office buddy C sent me this quote some months ago, during a time when it meant the most:

“We can be fine even when others do not have a good opinion of us. After all, what matters is not what others think of us, but what we think of ourselves. And a truly intelligent person is one who can pretend to be a fool in front of a fool who pretends to be intelligent...”

Again... stone, stone in the sky.

***

Enemies make the most interesting friends

Adios, Mi Amigo Asero-je

In a weird tale of tables being turned, we bade adieu to one of the newest additional to the Marketing family. In the exact time that I should be planning my own despidida, I ended up planning for HIS.

Truth to tell, Mark became one of my silver linings. Together with his cohorts (you know who you are) they helped me forget what I’ve been through or what I’m going through. They helped restore my faith in a lot of things. Like the classic quote from one of my fave movies (sshhh...it’s OMC)...maybe the reason we lose some things...is because we can find something better.

Alas...some good things are not meant to last. Although it seemed like he just passed us by, he did leave us with the proverbial smile on our faces.

Ten Things We Will Miss About Mark

1. The booming laugh. Not to mention that he can’t stop himself from laughing at even the most trivial of things. Be warned: this is proven to be contagious.

2. The Bottomless Reservoir of Jokes and Wisecracks. Everything from the politically incorrect to the Benby-colored (read: green jokes) and the pa-simple personal attacks (mukha syang nasobrahan ng Pantene!). Whenever I feel down, I just think about his jokes (most especially the cono girl with a camote) and soon I will be laughing by myself.

3. His Colloquial Terms. He brought a lot of words to our ever-growing Marketing lexicon/jargon. Most notably: Juicekoh! (exclaimed in his own plaintive tone)... Sorry naman... Korny-kornykouva (for the low jokes)... na-Ethel (for the not-so-intelligent moments)...and who can forget... te quiero (used as thank you or for lack of something to say).

4. The High-School-Musical Moments. How he will just break into a song while we are all seriously doing our BR/presentations. And he has a great voice, mind you. The problem is that he is always at a loss for lyrics. He will then sing in his own brand of multilingual lyrics that never fails to catapult me in a laughing frenzy.

5. The Never-Ending Pop References. I seldom encounter a person who can match my brand of jologs pop references (from songs, movies, TV shows). Who can ever understand the Inay Magda look... the shower scene moments... the “lahaaaat...lahat” exasperated expression...or “Abakada...Ina” moments. As Mark would say, it’s not being jologs, it’s being in touch with popular culture (whatever, Mark, you're such a loser).

6. His bloopers. Who can forget the “5-star” moment during a very tension-filled business review and his “shitzhu massage” comment in our meeting with Fitness First. Or that one time when he memorized all the crucial data before our BR presentation...only to be thrown a question that he has not prepared for. The look on his face...priceless. And what about that fateful day when he fell from his office chair.

7. The names we call him. Hagrid...because of his huge frame. While I am “Kuya”, he is “Big Big Brother.” Siopao because of his surname. Kuya Kim or Atienza because of his get-up. And of course, Asero-je (foh-hooor the first time!)

8. The fiesta meals he will always order...especially during lunchtime.

9. The funny faces he will make during group photos. And the priceless poses (the elevator FHM shot and the STI look, to name a few). And who can forget the Mark Opao smile.

10. The car/road trip moments. There is never a dull time when you are with Mark. Either we are playing our pop trivia games or we are engaged in a cerebral conversation. While he may seem child-like in a lot of things, he can be quite mature when the situation calls for it. He has this air of empathy that never fails to connect to you.

On a serious note, I wish you all the best, my friend (said in an "SS" tone). As I said during my despidida dedication...I now know why you are named such...you always leave a MARK. I will forever cherish the five months of stress (LOL) and unending laughter. I don’t need to tell you that someone of your calibre will go places...I just hope that you find your rightful place in the sun....sometime soon.

Many happy trails until we meet again. Ahi te quiero ver, Aseroje!

Tantrums To A Secret God

I want to tell you that your words still cut deep into the recesses of my cold, black heart. But like an empty echo, it just fades into nothingness. The champagne taste of your mediocrity and hypocrisy.

I want to resuscitate you as you bleed from the truth. But every time I summon that modicum of benevolence, I remember the multiple crosses that you bestowed upon these weathered shoulders.

I want to tell you I wince as you feel each painful breath. But short of being the insensitive waif that you are, I am too numbed by my sub-zero disposition. The absence of the sun and the ever so bleak panorama.

If being mature means I have to be moulded by the sad cookie cutter that spawned you, then I’d rather stagnate in my self-imposed regression.

Forgiveness is something I don’t pluck from the thin air that slowly dried me after I was stupefied by your betraying rains.

I am too blessed to be the eggshells that you walk upon. I am not buying your innocence...your know-it-all grin... your nonchalance.... more so your self-serving machinations. The irony is that I am too mature to be a victim of all that. I have mastered your game. I have learned to rise above the hand I was dealt with.

My faith in you has died a thousand deaths. I refuse to dance the same tantrum to your secret god.

In this rebel darkness, I discovered who you are. AND WHAT I CAN BE.

****

I can think of a million ways
You’ve proved you are not the one
To live inside your shades of grey
And never mind the sunshine that I find

A Short Fable

An EAGLE made her nest at the top of a lofty oak. A CAT, having found a convenient hole, moved into the middle of the trunk that tree. Then, a SOW, with her young, took shelter in a hollow at its foot.

The Cat cunningly resolved to destroy this chance-made colony. To carry out her design, she climbed to the nest of the Eagle and said, "Destruction is preparing for you, and for me too, unfortunately. The Wild Sow, whom you see daily digging up the earth, wishes to uproot the oak, so she may on its fall seize our families as food for her young."

Having thus frightened the Eagle out of her senses, she crept down to the cave of the Sow, and said, "Your children are in great danger; for as soon as you go out with your litter to find food, the Eagle is prepared to pounce upon one of your little pigs."

Having instilled these fears into the Sow, she went and pretended to hide herself in the hollow of the tree. When night came she went forth on silent foot and obtained food for herself and her kittens, but pretended to be afraid; she kept a lookout all through the day.

Meanwhile, the Eagle, full of fear of the Sow, sat still on the branches and the Sow, terrified by the Eagle, did not dare to go out from her cave. And thus they both, along with their families, perished from hunger, and afforded ample provision for the Cat and her kittens.


***

Moral of the story...do not seek shelter on the oak tree where there is a cat. Ok, I am being sarcastic. As they always say...”stone, stone in the sky”...

Windburn (A Mighty Wind, Part 2)

The time between arriving
And finally leaving
Is sometimes called
LEARNING A LESSON.

***

Some say we have to let go of the past. Others say that we must hold on to it and let its lessons direct our future. I say the past made me who I am today. I am not a slave of the past...I am more of the product of the past. I live in the NOW, but the magic and the tragedy of the yesteryear remains my blueprint in life.

***

The dawning of a new light splashes the kaleidoscope with immaculate colors. Somehow, it adds sparkle to the already bruised and livid panorama. Somewhere, a promising sunshine is beginning to emerge from the dissipating clouds. And with it comes the unfolding of the proverbial silver lining.

As I float in my ethereal sea of cynicism and anarchy, I realize that though the mighty wind banished so many things, it did usher some new revelations. To push the envelope further, it was what’s FRAGILE that was swept by this mighty wind. The staggering and the deep-seated remains the same. A test of strength if you can call it.

As the tide ebbs and flows, it is nostalgic to see the remnants of the shattered past drifting in shambles. The slice of paradise that was scrutinized under an unforgiving microscope and given a different color. The bonds that brought us together and eventually teared us apart. The dual faces who made mountains out of molehills and who will soon fall from their make-shift pedestals.

There is nothing like regret, to remind you you’re alive.

Anyway, soon I will leave most of it behind. My sights are set on the promise of the horizon. And the fulfilment of a long-standing oracle.

***

The world became familiar
Like the mystery shape of your heart
But the burns on my fingers
Were all that was left of the spark

Sight. Sound. Stillness.

I see
The horrors you refuse to acknowledge
The faces that all look hauntingly the same
The price that was too high to pay
The history that was swept under the rugs
The distance that has taken me from you
The weakness that did you in and dealt me out
Your self-congratulatory pretensions
The pictures you paint in careless black
The light you held for other people
The resultant darkness that led to my temporary blindness

I hear
The sickening thud of reality crashing to the floor
The silence that resonates and speaks volumes
The disarming sound of promises that were meant to be broken
The echo of joy disappearing in the chasm of despair
The joke that was on me and your distinctive laughter
My effervescent laughter as I cherish what remains
The beckoning of a greener pasture
The silent tears from friendly eyes that recognize my surrender
The clash of your forlorn internal battle
The ticking of the clock that signals the beginning to an end

I feel
Nothing
Still

No Pressure Over Cappucino

I don’t know if it is coincidence or just plain art imitating life. Somehow I always find the right book to read at a particular point in my life. Now that I am in an unforgiving crossroad, I perused to read a book that an officemate pressured me to read (howdy, P!). How she knew that book would strike a chord in me remains fathomable. Of late, I have been drifting in my pristine sea of cynicism, and this book surprisingly made sense.

The book is called How Starbucks Saved My Life, an autobiographical novel by Michael Gates Gill. Mike talks about how he had it all: an enviable career, a passport to the higher echelons of society, a 7th Heaven-ish family life...practically the world at the palm of his hand. And then his human foibles got the better of him and he lost it all. He was fired, he got broke, his marriage dissolved and he needed a brain operation.

Forced to pick up the pieces of his shattered life, he was given an opportunity to work as a barista in Starbucks. Working on other side of the corporate fence gave him a new lease on life; a newfound respect for himself and the people around him. Consciously, he embraced the happiness that he never found in his previous life, despite having it all.

Gates’ story is an ordinary story of redemption but somehow it reads like a slap in the face for those people who are slaves of their job and their lifestyles. I am one of them.

Do not get me wrong. This book is not your Sunday service sermon but more of an eye opener and a reality check. Mike dishes the painful truth that we become ruled by our past and the what-might-have-beens, that we miss out on the beauty of the NOW. Then he gives us the way out: that this is something we CHOOSE to be. We always have the power to let go, learn, move on and actually... LIVE.

Mike also shows us how to look at the issues and non-issues. And life’s incorrigible irony that we often lose the things we take for granted, or realize their worth much too late. Maybe some of us will not have the chance, like Mike, to rediscover it all again.

Here are my choice lines from this book.
- Let go of the sadness, give up the fight. Follow your madness and take flight.
- More of the future, less of the past
- Will yourself to have a child’s positive attitude: HI and BYE are equally exciting.
- You only need a few friends who understand you and remain your friend.
- It is a gift to be able to take all that happened to you in such a lighthearted spirit, a genuine sense of humor about a mixed-up world.
- They told you that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. What they failed to tell you is what you look like isn’t important. What is important is who you are inside and the choices you are making in your life.

In this world that is defined by inclusive hatred and competitive anger; and where we communicate through damage, Mike’s story offers a method to the madness and a proof that we can rise above any adversary. His turnaround is nothing legendary or beyond the scope of the everyday man. It was as simple as getting over your spilt Venti Caramel Macchiato and discovering happiness in a Short Skim Latte.

In This Skin

And when the world is on its knees with me
It's fine
And when I come to the rescue
I get nothing but left behind


***
Some people find it hard to believe that I am a reluctant achiever. I never thought of myself as extraordinary, or special even. I know I have my share of positive attributes, but who doesn’t have one. Early in life I’ve been taught not to malign others just because you are better in one aspect. I bet you they are better than you in another aspect. Everything can sum up to equilibrium.

Somehow, the diamond-in-the-rough in me is polished by pressure and circumstances until I shone. Which is not a bad thing. But it has become a blessing and a curse. There are times when I wanted to be ordinary, a John Doe, and not be singled out. Sometimes I check if I have an ominous mark on my forehead. Yes, like Harry Potter.

Back in high school, I belonged to a “special” Saturday class composed of the “best” students from different schools. For the first few weeks, I hated it there. I felt I was outside looking in. I asked myself many times what I was doing there. It was my first taste of a dog-eat-dog world where people were trying to outdo themselves. I have enough on my plate already and I don’t need that. I came so close to quitting but my adviser told me that quitting meant giving up on our school. Pressure, pressure...and so I persevered.

One humid Saturday afternoon, during a lunch break in that special class, I found myself sharing a table with our Math mentor. He asked about my life and other personal stuff. Then in a surreal moment, like something from a movie where an oracle is about to be unveiled (complete with leaves being slowly buffeted by the tepid wind and weak sunshine), he changed his tone. He said: “I see something in you. You are destined for greatness. No matter what you do or where you go, you are sure to reap achievements.”

I thought he was just fulfilling his mentor duty and maybe he said that to each of us, considering that we are anyway, “chosen people” already.

At the end of that special class, I was given two medals: one from our Math mentor and the other for being the “over-all stand-out”. I was stupefied because I never expected to get anything out of that class (heck, I didn’t even know they gave out awards). I just wanted to get it over and done with.

Then, on a Tuesday night many years later, those words came back to haunt me again.

***

In one of those out-of-the-blue moments, a friend (A) came up with this weird theory. She said: You know what your problem is? You write such beautiful tragic masterpieces. I remember in college, during your worst heartbreak, I was crying over the heart-rending letters you wrote but never gave to the intended recipient. But on the outside, you remained unaffected and carried that devil-may-care attitude.

And then she continued: You divert anguish into something worthwhile. I don't know how you do it but you manage to find the beauty in the breakdown. Hence, you are giving the world a reason not to make you happy. Sira ulo ka talaga!

Ironically, we ended up laughing hysterically.

***

The best thing about us humans is that we are all tragically flawed. But we have the power to make our own choices and decisions based on the hand we are dealt with. We can spell our successes and our downfalls. All our choices boil down to half chances.

Spiderman said that we are the choices we make. And I say: IT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO, BUT WHO YOU ARE. Oh, tragic human nature!

***

While doing a school project for my little brother, I came upon these quotables, all mined from Aesop’s fables:

- It is easy to despise something you cannot get.
- He who has many friends, have no friends.
- Do not attempt too much at once.
- Not everything you see is what it appears to be.
- It is not only fine feathers that make a fine bird.

Oh well. If only everything was this crystal and this simple.

***

I blog for its therapeutic effects and for the fear that if I don’t use what writing prowess I posses, it would fade into nonexistence. I immortalize my thoughts and my words in cyberspace with the wild wish that someone out there can get something from it. Consider it my own personal good deed.

I read before that being a writer is like going around with your pants down. I know doing so makes me an easy target for mockery and judgment. But who cares?

Sometimes I feel sheepish when I receive a text from someone claiming that they read my blog; to be followed by some “fishing” on something cryptic I wrote.

For the record, I write stuff online but I don’t write everything. There are thoughts that are still residing in some corner of my cortex and are better left unwritten. Or unsaid for that matter.

So the next time you say “nice blog,” realize that you don’t know me completely. What you read is an abridged, watered-down version of my life. But feel free to judge me, however. After all, I used to make a living out of proving people wrong and correcting their mistakes.

***

There’s a light, a revelation
It shines with the thought of you
We made things so complicated
Now I see the simple truth

Empty

It’s easier to believe
In the glorious madness
That brings me to my knees
Let me be empty and weightless
And maybe I’ll find some peace


****

I had the chance to be with the old gang this week, after what seems like eternity. As with our past gathering, we realize that everyone has aged a bit, not in looks but in experience. Well, LIFE happened to each of us and each one has a story to tell. Dim the lights and let the pain unravel.

R, the strongest physically, is crumbling inside as he confronts his usual demons. SR wins the award for biggest turnaround, but she is still the same fondly immature baby we have loved since then. SC, my alter-ego, still spews caustic acid and his trademark cooler-than-thou lamentations.

Some things changed but somehow we remain the same. That’s the beauty of it. No matter what kind of hand we are dealt with, we know that what we have is WAY ABOVE it.

Being with these people puts my life in perspective. I’m still facing the mighty wind and since the die has been cast, I expect things will never be the same again. For some people, that is.


****


TO EACH, HIS OWN. That has always been my personal philosophy. I make it a point to respect other people’s opinions, decisions, choices, even their feelings. Especially if it does not affect my life whatsoever, or to put it ever so bluntly – especially if it is none of my business. How stupid I was to expect this from other people.

A friend (M) asked me where I find the strength to walk on. I said it is the will to tie some loose ends and consequently make it easier for a handful of people. That I would be good, even if I was overwhelmed.

Silence, indifference, nonchalance, distance. Hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds.

For the record, you did not knock the wind out of me. As difficult as it is, I can still breathe. Come on, can’t you feel it down your neck?! But the point is...WHAT’S THE POINT?

Go ahead, be my guest. Resent it just because it was the best you NEVER had.

Try as I might to fight it, it was the principle of last touch that lingered. Disenchantment has re-etched cynical clues in this weary heart. I tried holding on to the last vestige of emotions, be it smothering pain or a sliver of bliss, from some supposedly indelible memory. But even those have faded to mediocrity. There was NOTHING. I am devoid of feelings...I just feel EMPTY.

If only for the first and last time, I’ll think (mostly) of myself. The countdown begins...tick-tock…tick-tock.


*****

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
As I tried to forget

A Mighty Wind

If you could only see
What life has made of me
Then I’ll no longer be in you mind
The different kind


There are many grey areas in life. Often, you do not choose your own hell. It is chosen for you. Where I am now could be some half-life; a mutation engineered by the need of others to preserve themselves and further complicated by rapacity. Damn human nature if it is that unscrupulous.

They say God is in the details and it was in the details that I found my reprieve. But then, details don’t matter at all when we are both paying the price. And so I was short-changed…what else is new? I know there is a world bigger than us, but you can never chastise me for living for the moment. My world does not revolve around “other” people, if you know what I mean. Anyway, that’s just me.

I can understand the lies that were borne out of hurt or the need to defend oneself. What I don’t understand are the distorted assumptions, the senseless meddling and the charades that were played just to forward one’s personal agenda. The people in glass houses who were audacious enough to cast stones.

For now I will stand still. Someday soon, when the dust has cleared and when eyes have been unclouded, maybe I will have my word. Or maybe not. Maybe I will just wait for reality to come crashing for some people.

For now this will be my official statement: If you have a certain belief about something, you can twist EVERYTHING to confirm, substantiate and re-affirm that belief of yours.

With all the muddled and deluded thoughts going around, only one thing is clear: the final nail has been placed on the coffin. Or to sound more positive...I recognize a sign when I see one.

I walk through life knowing I am man enough to face the consequences of my actions. I can and I will swallow my bitter pill. I can and I will face my necessary evils. I have played the role of the fall guy, the punching bag, the unsung hero, or what have you, many times before. With that comes a resultant resilience to self-destruction. Somebody told me before that I will never get over it, but I will get used to it. I'll let my soul be my pilot.

Forgive, maybe… but I can’t forget it. Everyday I live with it. I fake a smile and deal with the SIDE EFFECTS but I won’t let it get the best of me.

Now tell me…how do I redefine something that never had a name?


****


All around me are familiar places, worn-out faces
Bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere
The tears are filling up their glasses, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very, very mad world.


****


With this, I would like to immortalize my immense appreciation for FIVE PEOPLE (you know who you are) who kept their candles burning as I face this mighty wind. As you made me promise, I will never stop believing... so long as there are people like you who give me enough reasons to still believe. Sometimes, I don't understand the logic of your kind of trust. But all the strength that I need is your FAITH.