My heart is in my hand, my head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground, my life is churning around
Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad
Bows and arrows, stars and sunset
Every heartbeat, every whisper makes me wonder what all this is
Suits of armor, hearts and arrows
I am writing this memoir in the comfortable silence following the bedlam that greets the new year. The past year 2007 is still slithering somewhere in the vast corner of my mind. Though I want to say good riddance to that year, I have cleared most of the cobwebs during that quiet lull between Christmas and New Year. I now look back, not with regret, but with appreciation and comprehension.
That I had a difficult time in 2007 is an understatement. The trainwreck that was waiting to happen finally shattered into a million pieces. I have written one cryptic blog too many on my predicament. For someone who yearned for stability, I made a choice to rock my world. I wore my pain on my sleeve and walked wounded.
In 2007, some things ended where it should have begun. I found myself in an overwhelming crossroad where I was forced to change my trajectory. It was a point where it hurts to remain in place; the more I hang on, the more difficult it was to breathe. There was no right and wrong, only the consequences of my actions. I have gone from being at the corner of possibilities to nothing at all, a journey that is both liberating and humbling.
Like my previous dismal episodes, Year 2007 was a lesson I had to learn. A necessary evil I had to go through if only to move forward. It was a year of realization, awakening and self-renewal. My life restarted and the person I was disappeared, dissolved by the turn of the tide. It was the year when I got myself a new LIFE LENS…and the view of the world as I know it permanently shifted.
Gone Are The Days So Grey and So Certain
I have lamented that I always live in various shades of grey. Like I’m neither here nor there. Now I understand why. If there is anyone who can understand the various shades of grey, it is ME. Black and white means absolute extremes, grey means compromise.
In a way, I played safe. I played my cards only when the aces are with me. I always strived for stability and shied away from the uncertain. But now I have realized that the discomfort of uncertainty is the most precious part of the experience. Discomfort means you still have something to learn. That holding on to your comfort zone meant you stopped before you even begun.
Gone Are The Days So Serious and So Guarded
I think I took one of the basic marketing concepts too literally: image is everything. I know people think I’m too serious and too stiff. The Scorpio personality also manifested itself in me by the way I presented a cool and stoic façade to the world in order to mask the relentless emotions that are churning within.
This year, I let my guard down and showed the other version of me to a chosen few. The version that knows how to let loose and have fun. The side that was not afraid to make mistakes or be judged. The side that will do things for the sake of doing it; without being too calculating or overly analytical. The version of me that is brave enough to assert himself at the risk of displeasing some people, and let them deal with it.
I reconnected with old friends, forged new friendships, revived old hobbies, worked on a new sport. Win some, lose some. In fact, I rediscovered the value of so many things, even the marginal ones. I also shattered my solitary driving force, the fragments of which I reinvested in a wider array of possibility.
I’ve decided that I don’t have to act too mature for my age. Now I am not afraid of acting stupid while asking the questions about life. After all, being smart is not about knowing the answers to everything, it’s about how you arrive at your answers.
Gone Are The Days of Science
In elementary, my school paper profile read: He wants to be a scientist someday (a juvenile dream that was chased away by more adolescent realities). Little did I know that I unconsciously took a basic science concept and applied it to life: that for every action there should be an equal reaction. I searched for the tit for every tat, the yin for every yang. Anything that didn’t match is deemed incomplete or unfair. And this lead to a lot of dissonance and unnecessary disappointment.
I also reached a point when all I was feeling was GRAVITY and I don’t know why. It was only later that I realized that I have to align myself to a greater sphere of influence so I can stay on the affirmative path.
I’ve said that life is a game and maybe I was playing too hard that I forgot to enjoy the experience. Or I was so focused on something that I forgot to stop and smell the proverbial flowers. That’s why it is only now that I was doing little things to fill a fundamental void. I leapt when I should have taken baby steps.
The Thank Yous
There are a lot of significant moments this year, mostly bittersweet. Having said that, there are two groups of people I want to thank for the so-called 2007 experience.
On one side are the people who shared my moments of laughter and tears, the moments I will cherish forever and the moments I am not proud of. These are the people who cared enough to know when I needed space and when I needed company. People who had me at my worst. Friends who will tell me not just the things I WANT to hear but also the things I NEED to hear. That to me is the truest form of sincerity. I am lucky to have people who are not afraid to twist the knife a bit deeper, if only to make me realize the painful truth.
This year, I met strangers who pointed me in the right direction, who forced me to read the writings on the wall. Strangers whose infectious idealism fed me with energy to reconnect with the better side of me. Strangers who listened as I bled my stories and never flinched as I unraveled the tainted layers of my being. Strangers who later became indispensable allies.
On the other side are my self-appointed nemeses and the sources of my trials and challenges. Sarcasm aside, they called me on things that need fixing in my life. It is said that only misery can build character. The pain they inflicted was part of the metamorphosis, part of the ruse to make a better version of me. While some stings have not dissipated and some scars have not healed, I know everything fades in time.
I welcome the new year with more fervor, more aplomb than ever before. I know I am back in the saddle, I am more sure-footed and I am in a much better path. I have survived another phase of self deprecation and like before, gotten the best out of it.
Maybe this will be another difficult year. Maybe this will be a year of beautiful changes. Uncertainty is the spice of life. But if there’s one thing I know for sure… it’s that I am poised to take flight.
A part of me died in 2007. But a new ME has risen from the ashes of my existence to embrace the promise of 2008 with arms wide open.