With the slightest of regret, I watched the final minutes of 2008 tick by. As the world is counting down the seconds that will herald the beginning of the new year, I was counting the end. Then with a final gasp, 2008 was gone and I bid riddance to this far-from-great year as it slithered away to that place filled with bittersweet memories and painstaking lessons.
I thought 2007 was the superlative when it comes to personal torment. But then, 2008 trumped it by miles. It was the year when I communicated through damage. By the middle of the year, I was yearning to leave it all behind and start afresh. In some ways, my new year began early.
But those are all behind me; I don’t have time for the nostalgic desolation. I’ve wallowed enough already. I’ve squeezed the pain for what it’s worth until I was numb. I already bled myself to death. And rediscovered myself in the process.
In 2008, I discovered the “P” word; but I am not allowed to talk about it. Consider it my hidden power, my own brand of magic potion...something I avoided but succumbed to in the end… to keep me alive. To render myself invincible.
I took all the tough cards I was dealt with and learned how to play it. I threw away some of the aces, thinking I was fortunate to have them; only to realize later that focusing on the aces prevented me from seeing the other lucky cards.
I swallowed my bitter pill and its vile taste still resides at the back of my mouth. I accepted my own foibles and I now live to regret it. I’ve paid the price and I’m still paying for it every day.
I had the taste of the mordant truths. That people don’t understand what they don’t know...That most people are generally self-serving (it is “good” if it works for them, otherwise it is “bad”)...That during the darkest hours, you will realize who shines their light for you.
Amidst all this, there are the poignant lessons. And I really have to learn them the hardest way possible. But at least I can say: I know better now. And for what it’s worth...I vow not to make the same mistakes again. This sick cycle carousel has got to stop.
I cannot contain my excitement for 2009. I am longing for that great, bright start. Armed with the lessons and the few people I trust, I am bound to fulfil the prophecy that this year will be great for us Horsies (born in the Year of The Horse). It’s about time...after our seemingly endless bout with misfortune in the past two years. We’ve paid our dues.
And as George Harrison said...all things must pass. And it does get better in time.
***
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath